Looking For Feedback On a Potential Aspie/Aspie Relationship

Post Reply New Topic

This is my first post but I've been lurking here for a while and I've found the candid discussion on this board very helpful. I would like to ask for some feedback on a rather complicated relationship.

I am female and I believe I am an aspie. I definitely have many aspie traits. There is a man whom I have been in contact with for many years who I am almost certain is an aspie as well, although we have not discussed this. There have been some ups and downs in our relationship but we do share many interests and I think we are friends.

At the very least, I am interested in becoming closer friends. However, I do also admit I would like us to be more than that as well. I care about this man very deeply and some days I think he may be my soul mate. Other days, when he distances himself I wonder.

He is extremely intelligent and is passionately interested in several things that I am interested in as well. He has said that he is not interested in dating or that type of relationship with me but sometimes his comments and his actions totally contradict this. I also think he might not want to "admit" he is an aspie, although for me that is part of the attraction. tIn fact, I have recently realized that I've been drawn to aspies all my life. For him though I think he puts effort into others seeing him as "normal."

I have been trying to decide whether or not to approach him with the discussion about aspergers. I've thought about telling him I think I'm an aspie and I've also thought about asking him if he's ever heard of it or thinks he might have these traits too? I'm also trying to figure out how to get closer to him in a way that he would be comfortable. And, I am trying to figure out if he really is interested in me romantically but doesn't know how to express that.

Any insights would be greatly appreciated.

I can relate to your situation a little bit. I have asperger's, and my boyfriend also has asperger's. He chooses to not inform himself about it, which I think is a mistake. I can't however make him do something he is not ready for. Our relationship is very difficult and not very healthy. He can be very manipulative, without of course realizing what he is doing. I've read up on relationships in which the male was an aspie, and from my understanding it is almost the norm for them to be manipulative or aggressive. He was very charming at first, very caring.

I of course don't want to say that this is what your potential relationship would look like. It is important to know that it will be very difficult for him to change any behaviour that upsets you.

Personally, I would go with what you think you should do. If you think talking to him about it is a good idea, shoot. Don't force anything, but don't hold back on what you want to do.

I think it's interesting how identifying as Aspergers changes the way you view people.

A few years ago before i even knew about asperger syndrome i turned down a couple of guys who in retrospect had obvious aspergers, on the grounds that I found them to be emotionally immature and frankly rather bland and boring. However, now that I know about aspergers and have realised that I am on the spectrum, I see those guys in a totally different light. I may even have come to regard either one of them as being my soulmate, and would definatlely have given them a chance in a relationship. hindsight huh.

So I think your idea of introducing this guy to aspergers might just work. It might make him see you as a kindred spirit, instead of just another confusing person in his confusing and difficult life.

On the other hand, it may not work. In which case I will say to you don't give up hope. Some aspies simply cannot connect to other people on any kind of emotional level. But there are plenty who can. So you have a good chance of finding your soulmate one day

He already knows he has asperger's, he just has no idea what that means. It's interesting that you use the word "soul-mate". I've used the same word with him. I care about him very much, but he resents me for trying to "fix" problems that he doesn't think he has. In the meantime I'm left wondering how to make him understand that he's hurting me, without hurting him in the process.

I think that with your friend, it can't hurt to talk to him about it, if that's what you want. What's important is how you say it, so that he understands. That, in my opinion, is the difficult part.

I think that aspie/aspie relationships are very special, because no one else will understand him the way you do. There's comfort and safety being with someone so much like yourself.

Thank you for the replies so far. The insight is helpful. I look forward to more.

In the meantime, I plan to take my time deciding how to broach this subject. I'm concerned it could "offend" him if not done in the right way and that of course is the last thing I want to do. I want to tell him somehow how I think the aspergers makes him so special and why that appeals to me and is part of the attraction but I can't seem to find the right words and approach yet.

You are right about the "filter" that we sometimes use once we have a "revelation" as to what is going on.

Thanks again.

I think you're definitely right about being careful what to say and how to say it. Depending on his personality, he may very much be trying to be normal, and he may see this as a negative thing. That's how it is with my boyfriend. He is dead set on fitting in. He thinks that having asperger's makes him different, which is bad. Also, he believes that since the rate of diagnosis is so high, having asperger's is almost overrated and looses it's importance. I have yet to find a way to make him see that it's important to understand what it may mean for him and for the people in his life.

I almost wish I could go back to when we were friends, because I feel like I'm losing someone important to me.

I would never second guess what a person said straightforwardly about this. I don't think it's wise to do so.

Ask again later, perhaps, but I'd never make the assumption that I know better than the other person, what they want. He could have feelings but just not want to be in a relationship, or you could be misinterpreting, or any one of numerous other explanations. I think these sorts of statements have to be taken at face value.

It could be wishful thinking on my part but there are contradictory statements also.

What I would do is just flat out say to him, I like you, I wish we were dating. At the same time I understand that you do not. If ever you change how you feel, please let me know. In the meantime I still want us to be friends, because you're just awesome.

I think the likelihood of him lying about wanting a relationship is low. If he is however, there's probably a good reason.