Open Marriage

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I’m a 41 year old father of two and I suspect I have Aspergers but I have not been diagnosed. Recently my wife proposed that we have an open marriage. She’s an NT and very flirty and she says she feels guilty about her sexual attraction to other men. She thinks that if we have an open marriage that she’ll no longer have this guilt and we will become closer. She says she doesn’t have anyone in mind but if an opportunity came up she would like to be able to take it without feeling guilty. I’m not morally opposed to an open marriage but parts of me feel jealous and betrayed. I think it’s an easy proposition for her to make as she knows my ability to flirt and pick up women are nil. Sexually she likes men who are very assertive and although I’m not a submissive, I’m definitely not assertive. I’m often just lost in my own world. I know her being married to an Aspie is difficult. I want her to be happy and I don’t want to lose her and maybe the open marriage will bring us closer together but I’m worried that this is the beginning of the end. I’m also worried that if she starts a relationship with another man that I’ll just lose it. Can open marriage work? Do other Aspies have experience with open marriages? Should I leave her?

Ask to move to Utah and get a few extra wives in the house.

I couldn't deal with it. Unless maybe it was how the relationship worked from the beginning. Or as part of a somewhat devious exit strategy (ie it might make for a cleaner exit if she has some other interest, not as much resistance to separation, maybe a bit less drama).

Open marriages only work when both partners are swingers. When this is not the case the marriage is doomed, as open marriage undermines the trust, and destroys the framework of the monogamous relationship. Point that out to your wife. Then do as 1000Knives said. Suggest if she still wants to go through with it, the two of you should move to Utah, and get a bigger house with more bedrooms, so you can bring in more wives. See how she reacts to that idea. Although she sees nothing wrong with stepping out on you, I don't think she will like the idea of competition for herself. This next part is tough. After that suggestion, give her a pad and pen, and have her write down what about your marriage is leaving her so unsatisfied, that she is willing to risk it by looking elsewhere for a lover. If she gives you the song and dance that you should already know, and that if you don't that's part of the problem, just point out to her that you are not a mind reader.

All too many women have this bizarre idea that other people can read minds, especially their partners. I am a woman myself, and have seen that time and again. I don't do that myself, but my mother sometimes did. If it drives me a little crazy, I can certainly relate to how it makes men feel.

So present your wife with the info about trust, suggest polygamy, and then have her write down what's bugging her. This will give you input that may help you fix what is wrong with the marriage. If she still gives you a hard time after this, though, then tell her you will be seeing a lawyer to file for divorce, and filing for full custody of kids/pets due to her interest in immoral behavior.

Now go to it, and good luck.

Can I ask a personal question? Do you make good money ?

TheSunAlsoRises

She shouldn't feel guilty for feeling sexual attraction to other men, but she should definitely feel guilty if she considers to act on it. That's probably comparable to the difference between you admitting to being aroused by porn and you having sex with porn actresses on a regular basis. The idea of an open relationship is completely lost on me. What is there about any kind of open relationship other than giving your partner a license to cheat on you with almost anyone?

I'm generally a fan of Dan Savage's take on the topic.
link to a relevant article

She's been honest about her emotional and physical needs with you. That's huge and speaks a lot to your level of commitment. (if she didn't care she would've just cheated). She took the most respectful, adult approach to this situation.
Fact is, this relationship isn't working for her, and something needs to happen.
Guilting her for being honest with you is going to be the opposite of healthy or helpful.
If you can be that open and honest with her you can start a dialog that can only make things better (improve a limping relationship/end an unsalvageable one)

I find the suggestion of trying to use this healthy frank honesty as a weapon in custody court is kinda gross.
All kinds of people have all kinds of relationships. It's incredibly conservative/oppressive to deem anything that outside of the 'norm' as immoral.
Open relationships work for some people. Relationships involve more than sex. Some people decide to meet their sexual needs outside of their emotionally fulfilling, healthy, etc. relationship.
If relationships don't mean anything more to someone than regular sex, of course it's going to be hard to understand the appeal of an open relationship.
It's not my thing, but I'm not into judging other people for their totally legitimate relationship decisions.

I know nothing

If you don't think you'll like it then you probably won't. I know personally the thought of my man with another woman makes me sick and breaks my heart. Okay so since some folks think that its admirable that she discussed it with you, what happens if you say no? What if you say let's try to work on "us"? I agree that thinking of someone in a sexual way is not necessarily wrong its clear that her intentions are to follow through with her thoughts. What makes her think this going to work anyways? Have you asked her if she's already cheated?

Sorry for bombarding you with all questions
You said you felt jealous and betrayed, if you already feel this way, an open marriage is not going to make you feel any better or any different.

On and btw some species of penguins mare for life in addition to several other animals. Just sayin'!

My fiance have had discussions about this. We've been together 5 years. At the start it was him asking if I would be OK with him having sex with someone else if the situation arose. I have a low sex drive but I know that not everyone is like that, and my only stipulation was that he wear a condom and not get any STDs and not make it about much more than a one-night stand.

As time progressed I went off of birth control and onto Welbutrin, which increased my own sex drive (not anything crazy). I started noticing a few men and I brought the subject up again, this time asking him about his feelings regarding me having a sexual encounter with someone else.

Actually, we even went through a sex book, called... (looking it up) "Sex is Fun" by Kidder Kaper. It's a little silly, but there's some good information and methods for increasing sexual pleasure with a partner. There are some parts that are questionnaires regarding various topics such as what kind of tactile sensations turn you on, how you feel about multiple partners, and what you would consider as betrayal or as unimportant (on scales of 1-10). That was the majority of the part of the book that we went over together, and we had some very interesting dialogue and both learned a lot about each other.

He was surprised at some of my responses (I consider myself a pretty open-minded person). We still don't necessarily agree on everything but we respect each other enough that if a sexual situation were to arise we wouldn't get involved if it was something that the other would be hurt by. I'm OK with that for now. Having only one sexual partner for the rest of my life was a big reason why I was unsure about getting engaged, but I've decided that it's not that big of a deal to me, and if it becomes a big deal we'll talk about it.

I'm thinking that some kind of book or material like the one I used would be useful to you. I hope you both have an honest, open relationship (it sounds like if if she's mature enough to bring up the multiple partners thing instead of cheating behind your back). Find out what she's looking for. If she's really just looking for a different experience in bed, then maybe you can plan something like that every once in a while, even if it's not your thing.

If she's like me and is just curious and wants the experience, try not to take it as a sign that your marriage is failing. People change over time, and have different wants and needs. You're a father of two, so you two have probably been together for a while. It's a cliche thing maybe, but "it's not you, it's her". I have no way to tell how important this is to you that she doesn't experiment with someone, but if you're at least receptive to her wants and try to accommodate as much as you feel comfortable, it will be validating for her.

I recommend reading up online about open relationships and things that have worked for couples. I don't think that anything more than a one-night-stand type of sex is advisable, because the goal here is experiencing new sexual endeavors, not developing new intimate relationships.

And make sure that she knows it will be going both ways. My fiance was all about the open relationship idea until I talked about me doing it myself , and then he suddenly became a lot more conservative.