I feel incapable of living alone any longer

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Frankly, I have lived alone for the last seven years. I have always paid my rent on time, I have always paid my bills on time - then again, I have a protected payee handling all of that, so it would be a disgrace if those things did not get paid on time.

I find myself staring at the same four walls for hours on end most days. Yeah, they are covered with nicely framed movie posters, and yes, I have the Internet and my 360 keeping me company. I go to 12-step recovery meetings about four times a week, and I go to therapy once a week, but that is the full extent of what my life has become.

A few days ago, I broke my sobriety big time in both of my 12-step programs. Now, I am in a crisis center, wondering what I am going to do when I get discharged. Options look incredibly slim at the moment. Turning to my family is not an option. I have my SSDI check and I have Medicare, and I have nothing else, and that makes my options even slimmer.

In any case, I am desperate. Frankly, I would much rather put a bullet in my head than spend another night alone in that apartment. I seriously need to explore my options before I get discharged. My sponsor is looking into having me move into in an adult care facility, but with my financial situation, I wonder if that is even an option.

I have found myself at the end of my rope. I hate this lifetime of isolation that I have been in. I have sunk a lot further than I thought I ever would. I do not think that spending any more time with that much isolation would be safe for me.

So, this is where I am now.

Anybody have any ideas?

Thanks in advance.

Kinda weird, but it seems like you need supervision. Sucks, right? I get that way sometimes. A group home might benefit you. You move into a house with about 5 or 6 other men. You have your own room so there is privacy, but if you feel the need to off yourself, you can probably get one of your housemates to keep you company.

I might do the whole group home thing myself. The advantages are: built-in company, low rent, less responsibility. The minuses are: mandatory house chores, housemates that could be crazy, the rooms are kinda small.

Hi, I think you've got a pretty good read on your situation, that the isolation's just not good for you.

Now, you do human good by telling your story with measured disclosure and authenticity, the parts that you feel comfortable sharing.

There's volunteer work, but often that's as involved as getting a job. There are potentally various seasonal employment prospects. But that doesn't really help you right now either.

Okay, how about getting your feet wet this political season? Maybe the approach, 'I'm a moderate and independent. I'm here to participate and learn.' Myself, I don't really enjoy the phone banking, but I do kind of like block walking with a partner, which I think is the right way to do it. In fact, I'm often kind of a steady eddie kind of character and I think I help my partner.

Outside chance, if you get online, might be able to find something for tomorrow morning Saturday. There's a fair amount of waiting around, I guess it's as disorganized as anything else, but I like getting out there meeting people, seeing their reaction. And the fact that I have someone with me, a little bit we can talk about people's reaction.

Just an idea. Other people here might have much better ideas.

I'm just thinking if you could add two or three more positive things to your life right now, that might make a big difference.

Welcome to Wrong Planet even with the difficult circumstances.

Please use us as a resource. We don't always come through, but sometimes we do.

Edit: The above assumes you have day privileges in you crisis center, which may or may not be the case.

I'm not saying that a group home isn't a good idea, but from experiences it totally sucked. I was put in one when my mother couldn't handle me anymore and I was screwing up big time. I couldn't afford my own room, so I had to share with 4 other people.

I hated how I had to go outside just to smoke, and needed permission just to visit the damn store. To me, being in that group home made me feel less than an adult and more like I'm being babysit ted. I've heard stories from two guys who, out of the whole place, where the closes to my age that they were put into worst ones than I'm at now.

Don't get me wrong, I had a few good times at that place and going to the place people there dubbed "the club house" was a blessed thing as I could escape the group home for part of the day. This clubhouse was some place where they taught you how to survive on your own.

Anyways my point is if you do end up wanted to go to group home, just expect to be treated like a child at some of them. Not saying all of them are like that, but the one I went to was like that.

And as another example of a potential positive, how about a sports league, maybe a softball league?

And if you're middle-of-the-road in ability, you can be an unofficial, low key leader: 'Hey, none of us are professional athletes. We're all out here trying, and that's the important thing.'. Maybe something like that.

Yeah, I really don't want to be treated like a little child, so maybe an adult care facility is not the best answer for me.

I have thought about renting out the bedroom in my one-bedroom apartment, and just sleeping on my couch until my lease expires. I told that idea to my mother and stepfather, and they responded by ganging up on me, telling me that idea was illegal, that the landlord would not allow it to happen, and generally telling me that I am full of stupid ideas.

I still am in the crisis center now, with no plan of action as far as what to do when I get released. Every avenue I have looked at has led to one dead end after another, and that is very discouraging.

Sweet Pea hugs

I lived alone in the past, and it drove me literally insane. It was awful coming home to an empty apartment; isolation on top of an existing isolation. Some can tolerate that kind of existence, but for me it was intolerable. From what it sounds, it looks like you don't have a big support system so your sponsor may be your best advocate. The adult care facility may be hard to handle financially, but if you run out of assets, could Medicaid possibly take care of it?

Getting a roommate/apartment-mate in a one bedroom apartment might be against the existing lease and the landlord could use it as grounds to begin eviction procedures. Plus, landlords don't like people doing things without asking them, but then they usually say no when people do ask.

I'm sorry your mother and stepfather ganged up on you. I think you're in there pitching and trying on ideas.

It's possible the landlord might agree if asked briefly or directly. Or alternatively, if caught, you could claim the person is a short-term guest, although that's risky. And there might be future roommate situations if you rent or upgrade to a two-bedroom?

Yeah, I know landlords don't like people moving into apartments without being on the lease, which is why I would have added any roommate to my lease, but, ah, well.

Looks like I am most likely going to have to break my lease. My mother is not too pleased with that, considering that she is the co-signer, but that is partially her fault. Everytime over the last four years, when I was looking at roommate situations to move into when the lease was set to expire in a couple of months, she would bully me into staying in the same apartment. My grandmother moved into that apartment complex just because I lived there. A creepy stalker money-grubbing so-called "friend" moved in there just because I lived there. She kept on hammering into me these things - "If you move somewhere else, you will be selfishly abandoning these people. You don't want to be selfish, do you?". And also, she claims that I am a horrible person to live with. Well, she's a horrible person to live with, as well. She is basing this judgement off the last time I lived with her, when I was having a serious mental health breakdown, and she did not want to help me seek out medical attention - instead, she dragged me to job interviews when I was in a complete catatonic state, and then she would blame me when things did not go well.

She is a horrible woman. She does not allow me to have a single shred of privacy. She thinks nothing of digging through my dressers and my closets, and she is unafraid to confront me when she finds my stash of yaoi manga, or other embarrassing items. When I first started having boyfriends, she would ask me invasive questions, such as, "Can you describe to me how it feels to be anally penentrated?", and then she would cry and make me out to be the bad guy when I tell her I don't want to answer those questions. Eventually, she does get the answers out of me, though. She always asks me questions like that, and I feel like it is a form of verbal incest that she is forcing upon me.

When I was being beaten and bullied at school, and when I was being molested by my aunt and a doctor she took me to, I told her what went on, and she responded by telling me that I was "incapable of seeing the whole picture" and that I was selfish for not having pity on the people who were doing these things to me. She actually told me today that she was proud that she always played the "Devil's Advocate" role whenever I was being hurt by somebody, because she believed that I was "incapable of seeing the whole picture" just because of my autism.

Yeah, I changed the topic in this thread. I see nothing wrong with that - I started this, I can take it where I want to. And I am tired of always crumbling under her fist. I really am tired of living like that. She knows exactly how to hurt me, she knows exactly what she is doing, and I am tired of it.

KagamineLen, thank you for your courage in sharing your life experiences. You help to create space for other people to also share their life experiences.

And I'm very sorry all this bad stuff happened to you.

Your mother sounds like a real piece of work. Wow. She obviously has all kinds of issues herself, including boundary issues. She's not a protector at all. In fact, she is the opposite.

Family members, or someone known to the family, are usually the people who commit sexual abuse. This is the usual conclusion from statistics, and sadly, this is something you know from your own experience. And doctors can be just as mean, petty, exploitive, abusive, deceptive as anyone else, and it probably doesn't help that we as a society put them up on a pedestial.

What would you think about the possibility of finding a live advocate in your area? Some locales have groups who have worked the issue of sexual abuse, with some perhaps seasoned activists and advocates. It's not a hundred percent deal, for some activists become burned out and/or some groups become primarily bureaucratic. But there might be reasonably good odds in your favor. You might be able to find an advocate who could take some of the burden onto his or her shoulders. And this someone could also be a voice of sanity, which can help a lot especially when dealing with a family situation which is not sane (we can parse the details, but someone who kneejerks 'Devil's Advocate,' regardless of the facts, is not helping).

You certainly have a right to boundaries of privacy from your mother. It sounds like she keeps pounding the questions like it's a police interrogation with the assumption that a nonanswer means you're guilty. No, sometimes a nonanswer just means it's something you'd rather keep it yourself, as you have every right to do.

People here might be able to come up with good ways to help you deflect hostile questions.

You are a worthwhile person. I am glad you are here at Wrong Planet and I'm sure other people are as well.

Thanks a lot for all of the support.

I am being discharged in just a couple of hours from now. I will be going back to my apartment from here. I worked out a plan with my therapist, and every waking hour I have will be occupied until I see him next (which will be tomorrow afternoon). I feel optimistic that I can make things work for me from here. I don't know how long this optimism will last, but I just can't be sitting in front of my (admittedly, very beautiful) LCD TV all day long, that much is for damn sure.

I do not have a working computer at my place, so I can't check this forum from there. I do have a library card, however. I can visit here from their computers, as well as look at places to volunteer at, or maybe even try to land a PT job that won't screw with my SSDI benefits.

But I am going to start putting some real structure to my time from this point forward. If I structure my time with the help of my program sponsors and my therapist, chances are I might not find myself in the same situation that I was in just a few days ago. That's the idea, anyway. Not having a computer at home will also help - it will mean I'm not wasting my time looking at spirit and mind-numbing pervy material for hours on end.

Eventually, I will find a place to live where I am no longer alone, but a quick fix in that respect is an impossibility at this point in my life.

So, this is it. I'm going to start rebuilding my life from scratch, right here, right now. Wishing me luck will not help - luck has nothing to do with this. I actually have to follow through with this plan, and I have to be honest with the people in my support system if I want this to work. This is where my new life will begin.

That sounds like a plan. And yes, I can see how it's very important to be honest with your sponsors, but me, probably still in medium doses. I sometimes have kind of an emotional hangover if I reveal too much information all at once.

And I can certainly see, in being more honest, you also want to be honest with the landlord. But maybe just asking him or her, 'I'd like to get a roommate and I'd like to do it the right way where you check out references,' maybe something like that.

The PT job and/or volunteer work sounds positive, too. A couple of tax seasons I worked at H & R Block. It's generally five weeks in January and early February. Now, here's the interesting part. It's generally an unethical company because there are substantive negatives about the bank and loan products they don't reveal to their clients, not really, only in the technical overly long material. Well, I did try and inform my clients and in a real way. One office manager came to respect me as someone who was an advocate for the underdog. Plus, I was reasonably proficient with the computer system and had the right kind of patience. One year out of four (Block and this other place), I was fired by this awful regional person. But that means 3 years out of 4, I wasn't fired, and I'll take those odds! I'll tell you more about it if you're interested.