NT language

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Ok. Today my dad was watching my 2 little sisters and nephew. He asked if I wanted to go I said no I'll stay home and play my videogame. Later when he got home he was talking to me and bickering and going on and on about "I needed you there today!" OMG! Why didn't you go! Is your game that important?! Oh! You stay up until 2AM!! !! Why do NT's do this? They ask if you want to go X place you say no (Y reason) then they EXPECTED you to go but IMO hey you asked! Why not say "Hey I really need your help today." Yes I KNEW he needed my help but didn't think about it that much. Why do NT's do this???

That's a good question... maybe they feel like they are encroaching on our free will by asking directly? Maybe they feel more like giving us an illusion of free will (the illusion being is that later we will face consequences for the wrong answer/action.) Although I doubt they are doing that on purpose with any sense of metacognition involving the reasoning. Maybe it's just one of those social norms that are completely illogical to us. :\

I hate it when things like this happen; when people need you to do something or really want you to do something, and instead of saying so they ask you "hey do you want to do [x]?" Even with things like "Do you want to take the trash out?" I find it annoying - I don't want to take the trash out, that would be ridiculous, nobody likes doing that - so I always say no but I do it anyway because I know they want me to do it.

At my old job I remember my boss asking me if I could work a few extra hours - but he's known about my autism since long before I worked for him (he was one of my teachers in high school) - so he added "please say yes" at the end.

It confuses me to no end why people keep leaving room for you to say no when they REALLY need you to say yes - if it were so important to them, would they not say "Hey, can you come with us? I really would like your help." instead of "Do you want to come along?"

Hmm, I don't get this problem, only if I complain afterwards. For example, if somebody asked me if I wanted to come out with them and I said no, then later on complained that I was bored being stuck indoors and wish I was out socialising, people are like, ''well you had the chance when so-and-so asked you to come out with them and you said no, nobody was stopping you'', and I hate that because it makes me feel like everyone has good intentions and are all doing the right thing except me, and it makes me feel even more bad about myself. Sometimes I get anxiety attacks at the thought of going out and so have to say no to socialising opportunities, especially if it is planned at the last minute, but that doesn't mean I don't want to go out. But people only look at that one way or the other: they just think if I said yes it means I really want to go, if I say no it means I don't want to go at all. But it's funny because they always say Aspies are black and white thinkers and won't read between the lines or think of how somebody could be feeling in a situation, but in this case NTs are just as bad. Instead of just thinking, ''she's prone to panic attacks, so it must be really tough on her to decide whether to go out to a social event or not.'' Instead people just think, ''oh she said no, she can't of wanted to go at all.''

It's a game some people like to play. They ask you a question and you are supposed to say yes or answer it a certain way. Just like for example "Does this dress make me look big?" The woman is not asking her man for his opinion, she wants him to compliment her and her dress. Or how someone will put themselves down and they actually want you to disagree with them and tell them "No you're not" and compliment them contradicting what they are saying. It's all a game they play.


Anyone that dares to do this to me, I get really mad and not trust them and I see them as manipulative and game players. Thank god my family doesn't do this to me nor my husband. But my aspie ex played this game and I never cared if i hurt his feelings. Sadly some aspies play this too because I have seen it twice on here I remember. I have never forgiven those aspies and I have no respected them since. being around aspies or talking to them does not gaurentee they will not play head games with you.

I know! Why do they ask if I have no say in it

If he wanted you to help, he should have used the phrase "will you please" instead of "do you want".

most likely, he did not realize how bad the babysitting would be when he asked.

My mother does this all the time. When she asks me something that seems suspicious I ask "What is the correct answer? Tell me and I'll pick that one." But, that doesn't really work. She likes the illusion of choice and becomes upset when I ask for the correct answer.

Yeah that does seem a bit weird. Just tell your dad that if he really needed your help then he should have explained that instead of just asking you if you wanted to go. I messages are always good.

My fiance does this too! I will ask what he's really trying to get me to say, and he'll continue being vague so I continue asking and then he gets upset that he has to be so direct.

I hate when people do this. Please, let's all just grow up and be direct here, shall we?

Some people just can't get it through their heads that others are not mind readers. This leads to hurt and angry feelings all around. People should be more direct.

Other people do play manipulative games, as another poster mentioned. One has to be careful how one answers the questions asked by such people.

My mother used to ask my opinion on everything and then do/pick the exact opposite choice. I would get upset and ask her why she did that, and then we would have arguments. I finally got fed up, and started giving the wrong answer. She took to getting mad about my wrong answers, and starting arguments over that. Then I stopped giving answers at all, saying instead, "It's your choice, make up your own mind." She got mad about that, too and yes, started arguments over that. She was always spoiling for a fight with everyone, and got worse as she got older. She was a very difficult person to be with.

As for your situation, just ask your dad and anyone else who is so indirect, to ask questions in a more direct fashion, as you are not a mind reader.

Okay as an NT I'll try to help out. I think this post sums of things also with bits and pieces of the other posts.

My recommendation would be to say "next time if you need me to go just say you need me to go". Then after that if it happens again I wouldn't care. This applies to any situation resembling this one. No matter who is involved.

Some NT's can be manipulative but not all of them. When I ask If the dress makes me look fat, I really want to know! I'll take it off immediately and put something else on if it makes me look fat.

I admire your honesty and directness.

Ooooh I know this one!

NT's are asking rather than TELLING you in an attempt "to be nice" but the underlying goal is to see if you really love them that much. It's basically a passive-aggressive attempt to get attention,, and most NT's don't even realize that's what it is, because it's a societal norm that they undoubtedly grew up with and learned about at a very young age.

Him: "Can you help me watch the kids?"

You: "No."

His brain: 'Hmmm... well, if she really loves me, she'll do it anyway. And this is also a great opportunity to teach her to care about my needs. And even though I don't know it right now, I'm looking forward to teaching her a lesson later when I come home angry. ...because I didn't have the guts to just say how I felt in the first place, but nevermind my own shortcomings.'


My mother is a masterful manipulator, so I essentially took the crash course. Fun fact. I think she's why I can read people as well as I can - because I firmly believe that there is ALWAYS an underlying motive behind every question.

Apparently, they expect us to be able to read their minds. My family does this kind of thing to me all the time.