I don't think I've given up...

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...but I don't know what to do anymore. This will be VERY long, so please bear with me. My husband and I have been married for three years. We married young... he was 21 and I was about to turn 23. It only took us less than four months. We met in the middle of February, he asked me to be his girlfriend two days later after telling me that he loved me, he proposed to me less than two months after that (in the jewelry store as we were picking up our already-fitted wedding rings), and we were married less than two months later at the beginning of June. We always told people that "when you know, you know".

He had been diagnosed with ADHD as a child and had been put on Ritalin. In high school, he felt like the meds weren't doing anything anymore so he took himself off of them, but he says that he's missing large chunks (at least a couple years worth) of memories from when he was taking them. He never had many friends and was teased and bullied a lot growing up. But instead of encouraging him to overcome social obstacles, his family encouraged him to hide from others. I guess I can somewhat understand where they were coming from, but I wasn't raised that way myself. My parents always encouraged me to find a way around or over every obstacle that I was faced with, be it social, emotional, intellectual, or physical. He ended up having lunch most days in a classroom with special needs kids, even though he wasn't in the special needs class. His best friend in middle school was a boy with Down's, and in high school he finally found a group of "friends" that were very clear on not liking him, but let him hang around as one of them was actually quite keen on him and enjoyed playing video games together.

When K and I first met, he made it clear that his entire life he had not been "well-liked". He was not often respected by employers, acquaintances, even family. His family described him as "difficult". They said that there were good qualities to him (which there obviously are) such as his good heart and innate desire to do what's right. However, they said that prior to him meeting me, those things were clouded by a short temper and lack of enthusiasm or drive when it came to, well, anything. I accepted this early on and, according to his family, our relationship has done wonders for his personality and maturity. I'm glad that they think so.

Now, a little more about me. I've never been diagnosed as anything, but I am what I suppose is called "intellectually gifted", which of course is both a blessing and a curse. I will never admit that I need to be diagnosed for or as anything. In fact, I avoid doctors altogether, as I'm convinced they can't tell me anything I can't figure out for myself. If I ever go, it's because I don't have the equipment necessary for diagnosis (ex. x-ray or ultrasound - though I did study Radiology for a bit in order to gain a better understanding) or require some sort of treatment (I also trained as a medical assistant and worked in both a doctor's office and an urgent care in order to ensure that I wouldn't have to return to a doctor's office for little things). I also think that at times I'm simply afraid of being told that I'm insane. Anyway, thanks to my supposed giftedness (yes, there are tests, numbers, and facts to prove my "giftedness" but even in an anonymous forum I find it difficult to out and call myself that), I developed a wide range of skills and interests at a young age, and have excelled in just about everything that I've found interesting. However, I'm also notorious for many of the social and emotional issues involved with being advanced, or whatever you want to call it. I'm an intentional underachiever. I will get to the brink of excellence and refuse to step over. My parents were called in multiple times in high school due to my refusal to write correct answers on a test (even though all my work was correct) in order to earn a B or C instead of an A. And that was when I'd decide to show up for class at all. This has carried over into adulthood in that I am advanced in a very wide range of interests, but do not specialize or excel in anything. I pick something up, I learn it, I gain a mild mastery of it, I move on. I'm also an unhealthy perfectionist and it brings me severe anxiety. I will procrastinate to the point of being late for everything. I rarely start anything until 5mins after its deadline, and yet I expect perfection from myself. Therefore, I've become accustomed to stalling and presenting momentarily acceptable excuses. Yes, it's gotten me into trouble in the past. But I have been able to progress career-wise in spite of my bad habits.

Socially, I tend to approach every situation as an objective case study. My closest friends know that I predict outcomes of social situations long before the fact, and it's still up for debate as to whether I simply predict correctly through perception or I manipulate the outcome to fit what I desire it to be.

All that being said, if you're not disgusted with me yet, let me tell you something: I am. I have a long fuse but a short and volatile temper, I dislike myself very much, I don't trust people (even those close to me), I have a tendency to blame others for anything that doesn't go according to whatever "my plan" is, I have a subconscious tendency to manipulate situations, and I greatly lack genuine empathy, though I have a fantastic way of faking it after years of fascination with social norms. I will always choose logic over emotion, except when it comes to anger and frustration. And... sex. I am a very sexual person and I crave sexual interaction (which admittedly I am not provided) on a regular basis. However, I am also a believer in the sanctity of marriage (judge me how you will) and am a firm believer in a husband and wife spending the rest of their lives together come what may.

I still, however, will never claim to be a good person, but my husband... I know that HE is. However, he is not without blame in our current situation.

He is a video game addict. It affects every aspect of his life. The first thing he does when he gets up in the morning is check to see if anyone in our guild is online (yes, OUR guild... I play, as well). He will then proceed to play until it is time for him to go to work at his near-minimum-wage retail job. He will go to work for 4 hours and then come home and resume playing. The only time that he will break this routine is when he is reminded (by me) that he has other things that need to be done. These "things" include looking for another job so that I'm not paying all of his bills (his lifestyle is far beyond his means and I have had to adjust mine in order to compensate for his lack of support), assisting with chores around the house, and - my favorite - paying attention to his wife.

No, he does not pay attention to me, though he claims that he tries. There have been far more than a handful of occasions where I have practically had to throw myself at him sexually (and he's a 24-year-old man... how much should I have to throw myself at him, realistically?) and instead of paying immediate attention to me he finds the need to inform our guild that he will "be right back in just a minute because his wife needs him to take care of something". In fact, last night, after doing this exact thing, he proceeded to go and take a crap before finally coming back out to an angry and entirely turned-off wife. We have our version of "arguments" about situations like these often. They involve the same conversation over and over again. He apologizes, says that he's trying, says he's going to do something about it, tells me I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and he will do anything to keep me... all without the non-verbal and emotional cues that I'm so used to working off of in normal conversations with other people. Quite frankly, it becomes more and more difficult to believe him every time. How many times can someone promise to look for a job, take care of their responsibilities as an adult, pay more attention to you, and then not follow through with any of it, before you stop believing it?

In case it wasn't clear, almost exactly one year ago, my husband was diagnosed with Aspergers... by the same doctor (pediatrician) who diagnosed him as ADHD so many years ago. He claimed that K was "textbook" - whatever that means - and that he had been sensitive to diagnose K with Aspergers as a child due to the fact that his daughter had Aspergers and he "didn't want to be biased" and "couldn't be sure until he was older, anyway". Being someone who has a dislike of the medical field to begin with, this did not sit well with me at all... particularly since the only reason K went to said doctor in the first place was because I told him that he fit nearly all of the symptoms of Aspergers and it was highly likely that, with the similarities between the two, he had been misdiagnosed as a child.

Anyway, this is where we are at right now: I'm tired. I'm tired of supporting him financially. I'm tired of him playing video games upwards of 8 hours a day, 6 days a week (at the very least). I'm tired of being forced to act as a mother instead of a wife. I'm tired of not having attention paid to me as though I'm undesirable. I'm tired of being able to predict that when we have an argument he will be acting as though nothing happened within 48 hours.

And this tiredness has now manifest itself in very undesirable action on my part. I don't see it within myself to ever cheat on my husband physically. However, mentally, I am already there. It is no longer uncommon for me to seek sexual and intellectual attention over the internet. I do not lie to my husband about this. He is perfectly aware. And what astounds me is that in spite of my own self-loathing, he doesn't blame me for it... In fact, he blames himself. And I don't know how to react to that. How do you react to someone who blames their own self for your unacceptable behavior? Whatever awe I have for his display of self-blame, however, is quickly dispelled by his then habit of going into his usual speech: I'm sorry, I'm trying, I'm working on it, I'll fix it, you'll see, I just want to make you happy, I can't sleep, I'm just playing until I get tired. And then he tries to put me to sleep by giving me a lackluster orgasm. I wish there were a less intimate way of describing the situation, but there isn't. It's a routine and it disgusts me. And unfortunately, by association, he disgusts me.

And I just don't know what to do anymore. In fact, I'm not even sure I'm putting this in the right place, but it's here and if anyone has anything constructive to say, please do... because I'm at wit's end. Do I love him? I care about what happens to him immensely. I never want any harm to come to him and I want him to find success and happiness in life. But our relationship is driving me insane... it's driving me to do things that I never wanted to do and never thought I would. And I'm afraid that I'm doing the things that I'm doing and saying the things that I'm saying in an effort to drive him away because I can't bear the thought of walking away myself. Again, I am not proud of who I am and what I do... but I don't know any other way. And I'm afraid that neither does he. I just don't want to accept futility and I know that at least in that respect, he and I are in agreement.

I think it's best that you both agree to go see a marriage counsellor or some person like that.

Love is complicated and I wish you the best.

hmmm, it sounds like an incredibly difficult situation.

It sounds that a big part of the problem is that he is addicted to computer games, and that the problems that are being thrown up in the relationship can pretty much be accounted for by the addiction- his lack of interest in anything else, his deep regret at the issues it causes, but inability to stop or control it?

I don't really know much about dealing with addiction, but it seems like it's an addiction problem CAUSING the relationship problems, so I dunno, in that situation I would be inclined to try and deal with the root cause- the addiction.

Obviously, it's just my random opinion, from the details you've given, but certainly, from the times when I have tended to obsess over something (a new thing that I may be interested in or am researching) for a period, I find my obsession all-consuming, and even if my house was burning around me, I would probably struggle to notice/care, so I can understand that that kind of behaviour doesn't mean that you don't care about the things around you, you just exist in a different world at that time.