NT Dating AS

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So my partner and I have been together for four years, off and on. Just resently he was pre-diagnosed with AS I still want him to get a second opinion form a doctor, not just the social worker he's been seeing. He would also like to see a doctor as well but until then we are just going to take it as a huge possibility.

Now that he found out he may have AS so many things make sense.

-Always wearing the same style of clothing
,
-Obsessions with his interests, like he'll do them for hours and if I try to join him I just get burned out ( this one left us fighting a lot )

- Trouble communicating / socializing in groups / trouble compromising. ( this one made it hard to handle aruments properly )

Of course there are some other matters as well, but those are the big ones I've noticed myself.

I deal with depression myself, which I take medication and conseling for. ( which has also contributed to our relationship problems )

Now that we both know he may have AS and have answers to why he is how he is, I feel I can try to better understand him and be more sensitive when handeling certin matters.

What are some of the issues that NT/AS couples deal with?

For me a big thing is conversation. Because my boyfriend is on a higher level intellectualy than I am I find it difficult because I don't know what to talk about with him. I'm not saying I'm dumb or below average intellagance. But with him being so smart it sometimes makes it hard to hold a good conversation because I fear I will be " boring " per say.

I wish i could think of problems, I mean i am a pretty social aspie. I actually like socialising and prolly spend waay too much time doing so, but the problem with me and any NT partner i have ever had, is I dont know when to shut up. like where is the curt-off point. can't tell then my NT partner is bored with me etc.

As a kid though i was diagnosed with an IQ of 140 so social interactions with people were hard n often boring, but I had to make the effort to interact on a level that wouldnt "dumb me down" per se, or "make that person feel stupid."

I have a friend whose IQ is about 160 He makes a lot of people feel stupid, and it is very hard to hold an intellectual conversation with him if its not about science (chemistry, physics), where as i am more biology based in thinking. He refuses to believe he is autistic even though he has 0 empathy, though he says he chose not to have empathy...
Our conversations usually result of him playing mind games, n me haven to try to figure out not to fall into his verbal traps. (which is something i often do to other people). while he irritates the begeeebers out of me, we somehow manage to have interesting conversations. sometimes they can be as random, as well, "pink cat, hippo jumps over cactus" where as he just replies with "meow"

Or last night,
Friend: "meow"
me: "meow?"
Friend: "no thats what my cat said, translate"
me:"i am hungry, feed me, pat me, love me - oh our foot ball team is not winning"


it annoys me that our conversations are like this but he actually gets a kick outta it.

So yeah, I hope this has helped maybe a little when it comes to talking to those "smart people" out there =)

Does he treat you like you're dumb? I'm not sure if that's healthy in a relationship... And it seems a bit arrogant on his part.

Some problems my boyfriend and I have had:

-I have executive functioning issues so he ends up taking on a load of the housework, or doesn't understand when I can't prioritize time so that I can spend some of it on him.

-I have trouble picking up on non-verbal things he expects me to pick up on, like figuring out if something would make him mad

-Establishing boundaries was hard, since I socialize with my friends differently than he does. I felt as if he was overstepping boundaries whereas he felt he was just acting normal.

-He has his own interest to delve into, but sometimes I am too focused on my own interest that he thinks I'm not interested in him

-I get meltdowns easily from work, and so come home only to vent or be upset. I can't switch my mind to anything else, including him.

But... issues vary for each couple, as we are all different. Plus, I'm in a female aspie - male NT relationship, so things could be different. I'm also able to hide my traits more.

No he's never treated me like I was dumb. The feeling " boring " was just how I felt personally. He's never called me boring or treated me as if I was dumb. He's very sweet and caring.

Teredia: time for a new friend? He doesn't sound nice.

Butters: Talk about what ever you want to. You sound like a sweet and caring person. I think he know's that you are caring and likes the conversation. I'm sorry that you're having problems.

Why is your counseling a source for fighting?


Also, I think the social worker is dead on. The social worker has experience and probably know what they're talking about AND, all the evidence supports that.
The important question for you and your boyfriend is; what would it mean if he has apsergers and what would it mean if he doesnt?

It doesnt change anything in a bad way. It just helps me understand him better. I now know why he does cirtin things. Why he is the way he is. But I still love him all the same, nothings really changed, just I now have a better understanding.

Is it even worth it?

Staying on topic, I deal with the following.

Being tired or otherwise burned out, my GF roams the apartment singing, cleaning and listening to music. I can't take that s**t, close the door (usually end up slamming it shut) and ignoring her. Solution? Letting her know I can't deal with so much noise and movement right now and ignore her for a bit behind a closed door, ask her to join me once she's done. That last bit seems important to her feelings, mostly, but its a decent assurance for me also.

Being generally ignorant, I forget/ignore/block out household stuff. Solution? I need to be reminded, sometimes we will need to do something together first, sometimes she just needs to stop doing things. Works better if I'm alone for a day.

"Frigging mood swings... I don't understand yours and have a hard time recognizing my own." Solution? I literally express how I'm feeling and explain I would like to fix her negative feelings, but can't think of a way how to right now. I ask what she expects of me and let her know what I am willing and capable of doing (those two things are not quite the same, important distinction).

From my girlfriends perspective, she has to put serious extra effort in explaining everything. Even the "why" behind a new place for the plates in the cupboard. Reasoning can be hard that way, but is worth it. When I cannot agree with something, I can usually accept it once I understand the motivation (or logic) behind it.

Oh and yes it's worth it. Bloody hard, but totally worth it.

Thanks for the advice, And yes it is worth it. frustrating, but worth it, I know I can frustrate him from time to time as well.
But its worth it