Am I being taken advantage of? (long post)

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I typed this up earlier, in a hurry, and don't really have time to proof read, so please forgive any typos or grammatical errors:


We(myself and P) first started dating in 1995, when I was 20. We dated for a few months, and I felt like she was too clingy. One day my mother came to pick me up from work, and P came with her. She informed me that her parents had kicked her out of her house. I asked her where she was going to stay, and she smiled and told me that my mother had told her she could stay in our house, and that she would be staying in my room and sleeping in my bed. I was upset about them making this decision without me, but I went along with it. A few months later we got in an argument over something inconsequential, and she blew up, told me she was breaking up with me and left. The next day she came back to tell me that she had spent the entire night having sex with a guy who had recently been hitting on her. She then seduced me into having sex, then told me she was leaving me for good and took off. She immediatly moved in with this guy, and refused to see me when I tried to contact her, so I stopped trying.

I didn't hear from her again until July of 2010. She left a message saying that she needed to talk to me. When I called her back she informed me that she had been pregnant when she left, had had the child premature about 7 months after she left me, that it was a boy, and that he died after 6 days. She also told me it was mine. I asked her how she knew, she said that she counted the weeks based on the age of the fetus as told to her by her doctor. So I asked her where he was buried, and she told me the name of the cemetary and a rough location of the grave. I went there and spent hours looking for his grave, but couldn't find it. I called her to ask where exactly he was, she said she couldn't remember.

A few weeks later we got together and almost immediately started having sex again. A couple weeks later as I was about to head home and she was about to head to work she noticed that her tire was flat, so I offered to drive her to work. The next day, she still hadn't fixed it, but I offered to drive her again. I asked every few days when she was going to fix her tire, I even bought fix a flat and a pump for her, but she never fixed it. This went on for a couple months, with her car just sitting here until someone finally stole the alternator. She just didn't seem to care, and was all to happy just assuming that I would driver her and her kids(she now has 5 with the guy she left me for, then left him in 2010 a couple months before calling me) to and from work, school, doctors appointments and the store.

One day I told her I needed a day off, and she chewed me off for daring to think of this as work, even though I spent hours 7 days a week driving them around. Finally she agreed to let me have this one day off. Unfortunately she called me early in the evening and told me she was drunk at an old friend's house, was afraid of getting raped and needed me to pick her up. So I did, and on the way to my place I ask her where her kids are. She says they are at the place I just picked her up from. (I can't help but wonder, if she was REALLY afraid of getting raped, would she really just leave her kids there to spend the night? Even her 13 year old daughter?) I was feeling a little taken advantage of, but I tried to be patient and understanding. (I had recently been learning about AS and trying to find out whether I had it, and how it might affect me if I did, so I was, and still am, trying to be extra patient and understanding with people, assuming that I might just be misunderstanding the situation).

In novemember she lost her job, and I find out that she hadn't been paying rent, but was allowed to stay in her apartment off the record. When the new management found out in December, they kicked her out. She then asked if she could stay in my parents house with me(and her 5 kids) for two weeks during christmas vacation. I told I wasn't comfortable with the idea, but she just went and asked my mom, who told her yes.

So they stayed with us for 2 weeks before moving in with her sister a couple towns over on January 1st, 2011. She promised her sister that she would only be there for a couple weeks while she found a job. Only she never looked for a job. After she had been there a few months I asked her what jobs she had recently applied for, and she chewed me out for "pressuring" and "criticizing" her.

In February 2011, she cries and begs me to marry her, I can only take so much of this and eventually say, and I quote. "Ok". So now we're engaged.

In April of 2011 she told me that she cared about what I thought, and didn't want to repeat the mistake from the first time we dated(moving in with me without my permission). So she asked me if she and her kids could stay with my parents and I for the week before Easter. I told her no, that it would be too crowded and too stressful. She replied with "Well I already asked your mom and she said it's ok, so we're doing it anyways." Again, I tried to be patient, after all, it's only a week.

8 days later I ask when she is going to leave, and she tells me that she just needs a couple more weeks to find a job and a place to stay, and if need be she would move in with her other sister out of state. So, fine, I patiently wait. Two weeks later she was still there and hadn't even begun searching for a job. I very specifically tell he that she can not move in, that she has to leave. She says she just needs a little more time. So fine, I patiently wait. and wait. and wait. Finally in November I bug her again about finding a job, and she starts looking and finds one. Unfortunately it's minimum wage and only 15 hours a week, but apparently that's enough to make her stop looking. But hey, at least she's got a job and will be out of the house soon, right?

Wrong. It's now June of 2012 and she's still here. She's regularly pressuring me to move out with her. I tell her that I'm not ready, and that I couldn't afford to even if I was, but I get the feeling that she's just waiting for me to move out with her. She's mean, she fights with my brother and sister-in-law, buys them alcohol and drinks in front of them when they are trying to quit drinking, and antagonizes them until the become violent with her, then proclaims herself to be an innocent victim who was attacked for no reason. This has gotten so bad that my parent's pastor recently came by, told her we need to get her out, that's it's too crowded and too stressful for my parents(exactly what I had told her when I told her she couldn't move in). So finally she seems ready to move out, but only if the church provides a home for her, and seemingly only if I go with her. The pastor has urged me to go with her, my parents have urged me to go with her, but I can't help feel like she has just been lying and taking advantage of me all this time. Has she?

She has five kids that aren't yours and is living off you like a parasite. Sounds like a real psycho. Get out while you still can.

Hello, OP.

I've been lurking here for quite a bit, but started a new account just to reply to your post. Although I'm 7 or 8 years younger than you, I figured I'd give you my two cents. I don't know if I have Asperger's, although much of what I've read in the forum seems to be the story of my life.

Anyway, OP, I actually don't blame you for asking, because if I was actually caught up in this whirlwind that you're in, I might be oblivious to it, too. That said, YES, you are being used.

I also wanted to point something out, you said:

You are definitely being taken advantage of.

It's one thing if she was asking to live with you, she genuinely had her mind set to get in a better position in her life and be independent, and the whole time she was grateful and humble.

But if she was just loafing off you, then definitely dump her.

I know the fact that the 5 kids makes this a delicate issue, but it's not your obligation to raise her 5 kids or any of the other 50 million kids in this country.

You can do much better.

Not just yes - HELL YES! Get the hell away from this twisted, sick, abusive woman and have nothing to do with her! She needs to leave your house before she also robs you blind. Your mom has to somehow be convinced not to let her back in either.

The only reason you're part of her life right now is because she has no money/home/resources of her own so she's leeching off you and your mom. As soon as she has a tastier offer, she'd be off in a flash.

After her cheating and other manipulative BS, why would you even let her back in your bed? Think with the big head, not the little one!


That BS about you being the father to a child that died and "oh, I can't remember where the grave is"... That really burns my biscuit! Manipulating witch!

And manipulating the CHURCH into more freebies?!??! I'm getting downright fire-breathing enraged at this awful woman!

Yes, she is taking advantage of you and everyone around her. Get away from her while you can but first have a talk with your mom. She sounds emotionally weak to me and is allowing this woman to walk all over her by appealing to the goodness in her heart. While I could understand helping someone up who is willing to stand on their own two feet, that is not the situation you have here. She is looking for a crutch to support her and her irresponsible lifestyle and your mom just happens to be good hearted enough to be her sucker. Sometimes you just have to learn to say no and stick to it. This is one of those times.

Look also at her lifestyle. She gets drunk in strange places and is willing to abandon her children when they are not convenient. She prefers to mooch off of someone else rather than take responsibility and fix her own dang car when it has a minor problem. She bounces from place to place living off of anyone who will let her move in with them. She chose to have 5 children with an unreliable man. She is also a violent drunk. Just what would you see in her to make you not kick her butt out the door? Sometimes sex means different things to different people. You may see it as a form of intimacy, but she sees it only as a means of power and control. You will never have a mutually beneficial relationship with her because she is incapable of love and incapable of caring about anyone but herself.

^^^ Well said.

I've seen/dealt with enough manipulators to know this woman is 99% unlikely to change, no matter what she may promise.

For your own sake - GET. OUT.

I agree with everything above. KICK HER TO THE CURB!

This P (pee) is a bloodsucker that needs to be extricated, diced into tiny pieces, fed to birds, excreted by birds then flushed down the toilet.

You are definitely being used. She doesn't care at all what you want. You need to get away from her.

Definitely. This woman is an irresponsible parasite. Call your local child protection services to keep an eye on the children, then boot them out. She's completely uninterested in you. If this story is true, there are no words for it. It's not like she's a poor victim who needs help. She managed to have that many children, and she lied to you about a child you supposedly fathered. She's wasting your money and using you as a servant while she's sleeping around. Don't be her servant. Boot her out regardless of any begging or whining, call child protection services on her children, and insist on never speaking to her again.

And whatever you do, don't get married. That would be the stupidest thing you can do. Then you will be financially responsible for the b!tch.