older gay men unaware that they have Asperger's

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I feel ancient ... I'm ***58*** ... and was just diagnosed with Asperger's. I'm gay, but I've always had a very difficult time all my life with going to gay bars, and even joining gay sports organizations (like gay volleyball, running clubs, etc.). I wonder how many other gay men my age are willing to have the testing done. I'm just so sick of not fitting in to any of these groups. I've always been told that my appearance is attractive, even at this age, and yet conversations with gay guys I'm interested always fall flat.

Boy, you must be one of the loneliest men the world: a minority within a minority!

I always assumed being a gay may with Asperger's is like being a straight woman with Asperger's.

If you're half-way decent looking and can put yourself out there, some man is bound to find you attractive and make most of the effort.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way for men in the heterosexual world, especially at seeing how disgusted NT women can be by us.

I am 49, and only last year came to understand that I have Asperger's. While I have managed to form relationships, one lasting over 10 years, and my current in year 4, I have never managed to form close friendships outside of my spousal relationships, and forming friendships, at all, within the Gay Community has been next to impossible. My diagnosis offered clarity to the reasons that I never fit in, but I was already well aware of the the mismatch even before I had a name for it.

I would love to hear from others, gay or straight, who only became aware of their autism in later life and how this realization has or has not affected you.

Hi there, I'm gay too. For years I thought that was why I found social interaction tough with people. However when tried to interact with other gay men I still felt strangely different to them so I knew it wasn't that. The knowledge of AS made it a lot
easier to understand myself and explain why "fitting in" was not easy. Yes, it feels like we are very alone in this world!

Cheers

hiya all welcome to our cool club i
i didn't find out about the AS thing until i was in my early 40s, and previous to that it was just thought that i had ADD/ADHD [inattentive subtype] with a taste of avoidant personality disorder/schizotypal personality disorder and a few other things. as for the gay part, i've known since i was a little kid that i was different. but in terms of my mental/psychological addlements/general lack of TOM, i was too clueless to know that i was an outlier, i just thought everybody else was being an A-hole with me in a most unfair way- i mean, how DARE anybody and everybody be different from me in any way! the didn't light up in my head, though, until i got the AS dx. then and only then did it dawn on me why i had to become a hermit. i'm just not made to interact well with other people IRL. WP and my local aspie meetup group are my only lifelines.
p.s.- to the OP, you are not "ancient" compared to me. you sound well-preserved, which is a lot better than a lot of your fellow boomers. would that i myself were still fit enough [damned arthritis] to still run or play volleyball.

Hi, I've always known I was different, but until recently I thought it was because I was gay... or bi or because of stuff that happened to me as a kid. I've never really fitted into the hetero community or the gay community, and I'm now figuring it's quite likely because of the Aspergers, or perhaps it's because I'm demisexual. Possibly a little from box a and a little from box b. I always thought that by the time I got to this age I'd have figured it all out.

I sincerely hope we get more than one life to get our act together. One lifetime isn't long enough for this black duck.

i don't really sync up well with the gay culture either. it's like we are on totally different wavelengths or something like that. i get along far better with my fellow aspies at the meetups, though - thank god for small favors

I can relate to not relating. I used to joke that they were going to take away my gay membership card, because I just wasn't gay enough... meaning that I wasn't the cool, creative, carefree gay. I have always been far too introspective, fashion challenged, and clumsy. If I caught on to a trend, it was always on its way out, and clubs were never my thing, except for a brief period where I was drinking excessively to try and fit in. I'm only now beginning to reach out through this community, and the few interactions that I have had have been quite positive.

I was wondering about that. It seems true, although I don't think I've met any women with Asperger's. Unless they are friendly with gay guys and in that case, we're so relieved to find a female friend that likes gays that the thought never occurs to us that they might be aspies, too.

I do very well when I'm around my relatives, the people I grew up with. I'm trying to move out of that comfort zone now, though, because my relatives won't be around forever, especially now that I'm older. I'm interested in what you just said about a relationship with someone being the primary thing. I think that while that's still not a perfect solution, people get by under those conditions because the friendship piece of the puzzle with acquaintances and friends just isn't an easy thing to do. I think my priority right now is the relationship piece, and worry about how to make just regular friends later on when I have time to learn those social skills.

Understanding what's really going on is important ... but I'm curious to know if you've devised any strategies for how to deal with this. I'm still not sure how to "learn" how to be social, which includes the relationship part as well. I have a choice of going to my regular therapist or one who specifically works with gay men with Asperberger's ...which one do you recommend? I get along very well with the one who's been my therapist for a while, but wonder if someone who knows more about the problem would be more helpful.

Do you have the meetup link? Thanks!

OMG, that so describes me. My gay membership card was forcibly taken from me almost right away from the divas that dictate if you're not up on the right fashions, acting "gay" enough, etc., you're OUT. It was really painful. I have to ask about the drinking thing, too ... my Asp. symptoms seem to temporarily go away when I drink a little bit too much at a social event, but the after effects, including the hangover, are deadly.

In regard to the drinking, my inhibitions definitely went away. The challenge was that I didn't like who I became. I wanted to be the center of attention, and I thought everything that I said was hilarious. I was obnoxious! On top of this, I would drink to the point of blacking out and have no recollection of what I had said or done the night before, which is not a good place to be. This was in my early 20s and luckily this was a very brief period of my life. For better or worse, my relationships saved me, as they took me out of the bar scene and let me focus on the acceptance of one individual.

Remember, that up until 2 years ago, I had never heard of Asperger's, let alone had any indication that it related to me. I just knew that I was terribly out of touch with those around me and always felt like an outsider. My earliest relationships were doomed, because I pushed too hard and ultimately smothered those I professed to love. Later, when I was the one pursued, I had trouble trusting in my partners’ intentions and believed that it was just a matter of time until these relationships would also end. As a result, I became distant and reclusive and brought about the very outcome that I feared.

The awareness that I have Asperger's Syndrome doesn't excuse my past behavior or short comings, but it does give me clarity and the self-awareness to hopefully avoid repeating my past patterns and mistakes. My current relationship, though not perfect, is rewarding and loving, and though neither of us is without our personal challenges, we complement each other and gain strength from one another. While I still long for the social construct of friendships that others may take for granted, it is enough to know that I have one person that I can count on who cares enough to try to understand me even when my behavior defies explanation.

I can relate to what all of you are saying. I'd made the error of stereotyping what it meant to be non-hetero, and found myself an outcast from all of society. Then when I recently realised I had Aspergers, it helped me to understand why I didn't fit in.

The lesson for me is that everyone is a unique product of whatever led them to this point in their lives. It's possible to conform to a stereotype, but it takes a lot more courage to just be an individual. Labels such as gay / bi / hetero / Aspergers etc have their place and can help us to understand why we're different, how we tick, and our potential limitations, but they don't have to completely define us or slot us into a particular box.

However as a unique individual you run the risk of not being easily identified by others, and you may be rejected as an outcast for not fitting others' definition of gay or whatever. Being unique can make for a lonely existence unless you can find someone who is comfortable with uniqueness.