need advice on daughter, 14

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So am currently staying with my parents with my 14 year old dd with aspergers. On holiday. Anyway, it's been mostly okay, they know she has aspergers but don't really understand it , and a lot of her behaviour comes over as rude. Some things have been hard, for example, she is a strict vegetarian, and my mother had made vegetarian lasagne for her in a special dish of her own. Dd says crossly, after asking what was for supper,
"I don't LIKE lasagnne, why doesnt anyone ever ASK me? " I took her to her room to explain why this was rude as her grandmother had made it especially, and sometimes you just have to accept what you are given in someone elses house, etc , even if it wouldnt have been your first choice" but she got very defiant and repeating why should she eat something if she doesn't like it. I told her she could make her own supper then. (which she did) She also gets furious and sarcastic at me bringing her to a private place to talk, which I do as I dont want raised voices and arguments in front of my parents.

Later on., while sitting watching tv she says "Sssshhhhh! " if anyone talks, as she then cant hear whats being said. Again I say to her this is rude, not okay, she must just put up with not hearing sometimes as people sometimes need to talk and the world doesnt revolve around her. Anyway, what do you think, am I saying the right things here? Anyone got any better ideas for me to handle this?
I am aware she is out of her comfort zone, so it is stressful for her, but is it too much to expect her to try to not come across as rude? Her big joy in life is her computer and her game runescape, and she still gets to go on that every night for a couple of hours.

maybe tell her that other people don't hear the movie when people talk trough but they just don't want to hear every bit of the movie. and if she realy doesn't like lasagna i could understand why she won't eat it kinda strange to make a special lasagna for someone who doesn't like lasagna.

Sounds like me at that age and she's right, it is rude to assume someone likes something they don't without asking and then expect them to eat it. However, on your side it's rude to assume you don't like something without trying it, just because she doesn't like lasagna she's had in the past doesn't mean she won't like Grandma's special lasagna. And if she really can't stomach it, she could try her best to be polite about it after all Grandmom was trying to do something nice. It's also rude to talk when others are watching TV, generally to be polite you should wait for a quiet moment or a commercial and it literally makes my head hurt when I'm trying to listen to one thing when others are trying to talk over it so if she seems especially irritated that's probably why - but again on your side it's also very rude to shush someone when you are a visitor in their home.

How about putting subtitles? I do this all the time so I can watch tv even when people are being loud around. Obviously the world doesn't stop just because I want to watch tv. As much as she wants the tv, others want to talk, I think it's good to point it out to her. As the poster above said, it's easy to see both sides of the situations. I don't have AS, but I was a lot like that at her age. I think it's partly a teenager thing as well to be a bit defiant and sometimes rude. It sounds like you're handling it well. I would have been upset by both incidents as well, and as a teenager I would have made sure people knew about it. Is it possible she feels a bit out of control? Is her life decided for her a lot of the time? When she said no one ever asks her, maybe this wasn't just about lasagna. Maybe it is a theme she feels is frequent in her life and giving her some more choices would help.

I don't know how she would react to it at her age, because it is kind of the rebellious stage for some kids, but maybe an etiquette book would help --Miss Manners or something---maybe find some online columns that apply and show them to her, so she knows that etiquette is not some arbitrary thing that you just conjured up.

Obviously (NT-wise) she should have said "thank you," and at least tried it, and have been pleasant about the lasagna (but not nagged if she did not eat much of it.) From her standpoint, I could see where she would not know this, and think people should know she is a picky eater and ask her what she is willing to eat.

I have to agree with her on the no talking during programs, thing except for the fact that you can't chastise people in their own house for this, especially if it is something only she is watching. Again, this is an etiquette/manners thing, and given the circumstances, it is a little dicey to get into.

I think I would approach this in more of a "I know that living with the grandparents is a difficult transition, but everyone is going to have to make some adaptations so that everyone can get along." This way she doesn't feel it is only her that is having difficulties and so she does not feel like she is being blamed. I won't promise it will work, but maybe she will have an easier time with it.

Thanks for advice, all helpful to me. Good idea McNulty, subtitles, I never thought of that. Plus what you said about that being symptomatic of a larger issue, there is something in that, as she quite often does say things like this, that she personally is never consulted about a lot of things. Some of these thing, however , are things which the adult just does decide, and even if she had an opposing view on it I couldn't necessarliy go along with it for practical reasons, eg where we get to spend Xmas, that type of thing.

Also ASDmommy, I will try that next time an incident occurs, about how we're all in this together, needing to adapt. Her strict vegetarianism has been hard at times, (this is another issue I know, ) because I can't always think of stuff to cook, she hates lentils or other pulses, and if she had her way would subsist entirely on pasta and ketchup. A books on etiquette , nice thought but she would be so scornful of the very idea of it.

Overall, she is incredibly oppositional when it comes to me trying to "change her" or give advice, or discipline her in any way. Unless she wants to do something, she wont do it, and is very quick to tell me I am patronising her or being a hypocrite. I know that's probably typical teenager stuff though. I'm also patronising the dog if I say "good boy" and pat him, so you can't win in this house.

Hmm - hope the holiday is going well despite these difficulties!

I have to say that it does seem your daughter is being rather unnecessarily difficult and a bit of a "little queen". However some leeway needs to be given, given her ASD. When I was a kid we had to eat everything that was on our plates, even beetroot and cooked carrot, which made me feel sick then. That has worked out fine for me, and for my NT daughter - but it did not work for my ASD son, who when young was forced to do that by his mother and promptly threw everything up. So maybe your daughter could have some more input into what is cooked for her and you could have a round the table discussion of what she likes and does not like.

In the same sort of way, rude behaviour like shusshing elders when you are watching TV or getting angry at being taken elsewhere to discuss matters, has mainly got to derive from not properly understanding the world and her place in it. It has dawned on me that my son does not understand the world properly otherwise he would naturally take steps to do what was necessary to pass his school subjects rather than carrying on la-di-dah as if it all did not matter. (He is incidentally getting a little better in that regard though). I think maybe your daughter does not really understand that it is eg just not done to shush elders, although this may also arise out of her perhaps not meeting up with older people/her grandparents that much.

I have said to my kids that it is good that they want to be independent and have their own mind; however by the same token when they are living in our (my) home they need to comply with some minimal basic rules. They are welcome to discuss these but only on the basis of reasonableness.

While the biggest issue is the kids knowing you are there for them and care for them, I think sometimes it may be that you have to take a harder line, unemotionally - "that's just the way it is in this house" eg I have started fining my daughter $10 a day that her room remains very untidy as that is what has seemed to be more effective in getting compliance with some minimum standards. Might be something quite different that will work with your daughter though.

Hopefully the rest of your holiday goes smoothly!

Thanks hoegaandit, there is something in that business of not understanding the world and her place in it I think. The idea of her being polite to people because they are her elders is something she seems unable to fathom, and when I insist on it because it is about respect, she gets upset and cross about it. "Why should I? " Anyway with the food thing, yes I am getting her to do more of her food herself. In fact doing more of everything for herself seems to be the way forward, as her self esteem is rather low.

She is also not good with young children at all, my sister has a 6 year old who commented on her glasses which made her furious to the point of tears. Again, explaining that a six year old does not mean this maliciously but it's just something interesting to him, and not to let it upset her. So I say these things calmly, she completely rejects my explaination, says she hates him, and only calms down by being left alone in her room.

Going on holiday and seeing grandparents and family once a year does mean they don't really know her. The other cousins don't have AS, and the one person who displays some AS traits, my father, is the one who seems the least empathetic. He doesn't try at all with her, she's not an easy charachter, but I feel that as it's his granddaughter he should make the effort. He is the adult after all. Unfortunately in our family speaking on an emotional level is terribly alien. My parents just don't do it. Something of a generational thing I think, because my brother and sister and and I do.

It is a generational thing I think, although maybe harder for someone with ASD tendencies. For what it is worth the two people who on one occasion each got angry at our kids were the respective grandfathers, Grandmothers and stepgrandmother were always nice. I think people who grew up in the depression and war years had to not show emotion and appear tough.

I think it is just going to take time with your daughter; after all she is entering those difficult teenage years. One thing that did work with my (NT but some autistic tendencies) daughter when she was fairly difficult as a teenager was getting a dog and going for walks with the dog - which gave an opportunity to do something together with her and talk with her. I really feel the dog turned our house into a home. Also a change of environment (school to university) led to her blossoming.

I can see visiting your parents causes you and your daughter some stress but hopefully you can enjoy the rest of your time there!