How do I explain in a brief and concise way to NTs

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Hi,
I went to mass last night and a friend asked my teen daughter if she would be leader of children's liturgy with her. I had to explain in a long winded not intended kind of way, that we've only being diagnosed with Aspergers little on a month ago and this would be impossible at the moment for my daughter, and that social interaction is really difficult.
The woman looked absolutely gob smacked and I think i overwhelmed her.

Just so in future I dont get all explainy on people who haven't even heard the word 'Aspergers'

and sorry to be so dramatic, but those who have a clearer understanding than I of Aspergers,
how would you explain what 'aspergers' is to NTs, in a brief concise way?

Much appreciated

I personally would explain that it's a different way the brain is wired. Whereas "normal" people acquire social skills and cues easily, the aspie brain doesn't. However we have our own strengths, such as being able to focus more and have special interests.

Different "races" is to racial diversity as autism and neurotypicality is to neurodiversity (meaning that there are different ways the brain is wired, just like there are different colors of skin/body structures).

"it's like autism, but not as severe. It makes social situations harder, becuase everything seems foreign and more subtle social things get missed easily. "

Aka, leadership does not usually fit well with those traits without more experience

Arcena, this is not an appropriate explanation if you're looking for something brief. This would be a good explanation if it was a family friend or relative who was interested specifically in what the daughter was going through.

At the mass with the random woman, the best explanation would be something like, "Oh, I appreciate the offer. Maybe in the future. Although my daughter's doing well, our family physician was saying that he feels she might be overwhelmed socially, so he's advised us not to allow her to do anything that bold just yet. She's fine, nothing wrong with her, just that he thinks she shouldn't be doing anything that requires that much energy. So we're acting on doctor's orders."

They're gonna draw their own conclusions regardless of what you say, but the stuff about a spectrum will be over their heads.

<_<
Just rewrote your quote a bit, as I felt it was the suggestion on the best track so far, but was a bit defensive in tone. There's no reason to use any language to imply something is wrong or to phrase it as disallowing something. My version makes the daughter's position sound more in step with the thoughts of the doctor/parents team.

You don't even have to mention Asperger's; just say something like
"My daughter is a bit overwhelmed at present and what you're asking would be too much for her to handle.".

That may come across as too "oh, my precious little girl can't be bothered with your stupid suggestion that she participate." Remember, these are NTs here, try to think like them.

I think you have to mention the doctor's orders w/o going into too much detail.

No, NTs refuse things because of already having too much on their plate all the time.
Remember, NTs aren't all nasty people who constantly think the worst of others; try not to stereotype here.

Last edited by Who_Am_I on 30 Jun 2012, 10:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The problem with this is people will often think that it's something on their end that is making the child uncomfortable so they will try to get the other children to be more inclusive. This can just create an even worse problem. I'd have to say I agree with you in principle but I think if it's vaguely presented as a medical condition people would be less inclined to pry or do anything without the guidance of the parent.

You could say something like:

"My child has some sensory issues that we are working on and I just don't think it would be a good idea right now."

But you're right, I don't think AS should even be mentioned.

Uncomfortable is different from overwhelmed, though.

This is precisely what I was saying, though I was accused of "stereotyping" NTs.

Mentioning Asperger's/Austism directly is too much. Not making any mention of a doctor will be interpreted as a personal rejection of the woman's suggestion, which she'd take personally and be offended by, or make the woman possibly think that she can "fix" things.

I guess it wasn't precisely what you said People here will take things literally and misinterpret intent. I should know I do it all the time

How does that sound anything like "They make think that they've done something to make your child uncomfortable"?

The comment about trying to understand and think like NTs means that a pedantic, verbose answer about an autism spectrum, etc., will go right over their heads, overwhelm them, and be considered too much information for them to process within the context of this discussion.

It's not a family friend who wants to know what the daughter is going through. It's a casual acquaintance who's offered a suggestion which she thinks is a great idea (the daughter getting to participate and take on a very social role) without being able to understand the daughter is unable to do so. From the NT church woman's perspective, the daughter seems fine.

A drawn out explanation of autism will only confuse the woman in this context. When NTs get confused, they tend to take offense. They either feel they're being attacked and get angry, or they get upset and think they've done something to warrant such a long explanation as to why their idea is "bad." Either way, with the drawn out explanation, the NT church lady will think, "it was a bad idea, and since it was my idea, they're either attacking me ,or I must've done something wrong. The NT church woman won't separate herself from her idea, and think that because the idea is bad, she must be bad in the eyes of the mother/daughter.

Maybe I didn't clarify, but when you accused me of "stereotyping NTs," I don't think you understood what I was getting at. I think my response is still probably the best, but Rascall77 also seemed to understand the basic concept. You were accusing me of stereotyping without fully realizing this dynamic with NTs. I apologize if I didn't explain more succinctly.

I see where you're coming from, but I didn't advocate a drawn-out explanation of autism (and I'm not really sure how it's possible to infer that from my suggestion); all I suggested was to say that her daughter was a bit overwhelmed with things as in my experience most people will understand declining to do something because of already having too much to do.

Thanks for the input and advice. I'm sorry if people got into a small dispute over it.