Constant fear of having offended people

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Do you have a constant fear of offending people?

I am constantly worried about having caused offence to someone. I don't think it's an irrational fear, because in the past I have offended people without meaning to and without knowing how I did it, and their unexpected negative responses have given me this anxiety. When I accidentally alienate people whom I like, it makes me depressed.

I recently befriended a very aspie girl who is always anxiously asking me if she's offended me, when she hasn't (and from what I know about her I don't think she could ever offend me); I feel her pain, though. I guess it's common amongst AS people.

I used to worry about this constantly as I never knew when I may have been offensive by being truthful. Now, I usually catch it right after I say something and then explain myself to the other party.

Thanks for your reply.

I find that I offend not just by being truthful, but also by not saying the diplomatic things that make the truth more comfortable or pleasant for NTs. I think I also tend to erroneously assume that individual NTs can read my mind and that they know I like them and don't want to offend them with what I say.

I also have trouble working out when and how much I need to explain myself (that I didn't mean offence). If I go overboard with the explanations I'll end up sounding neurotic, anxious and insecure. If I don't explain myself enough people think I'm aloof, rude, unfriendly or arrogant.

I don't worry so much any more, but I do get embarrassed quite a bit if I've offended someone. Usually because they don't say, other than with body language that I can't read s'well.

I can be pretty blunt, though, and I'm sure I'm not the only one here, but I am definitely concious to the fact not everyone is receptive to blunt criticism, but seriously, why should I have to adapt my personality to different people? It's exhausting.

Nowadays I just shrug it off and hope people do as well, if not, then I'm not about to go explaining that I'm an aspie where people will suddenly see you in a new, awkward light.
You can't change your personality, so why go making excuses for it?

My only advice is to try and not be so afraid of offending people.
I know, easier said than done, right?
But when you start filtering your thoughts to suit someone's needs, the only one you're really offending is yourself, you should just accept your bluntness, accept the fact you may offend someone more than the typical person. Once we reach a certain age, we no longer need to be coddled and if people can't accept the naked truth, then let them hide under their rock.

I dont so much have a fear of offending people but a cautiousness when interacting with others that comes from similar past experiences as you mention - unintentionally offending, annoying or miscommunicating without meaning to or knowing how it happened and then having to deal with unexpected negative responses that I dont understand or know how to put right.

I have found analysing what causes me to feel the most wary around people and letting people know a few key things about me that otherwise cause me to feel a bit anxious can help smooth relationships a bit, for me this involves letting people know that my words are always more accurate/important than my body language, that I communicate directly and verbally and if they can communicate directly and verbally too that would be helpful and that I dont make much eye contact but that doesn't mean I dont like them. I find that the select people who I have this very brief conversation with, I can relax much more around, I do not have so many misunderstandings, and if I am getting uncomfortable in a situation I am better able to improve the situation - such as asking them for a verbal explanation if I can see something has happened indirectly or non-verbally but I dont understand what. Also with the people I communicate more openly with and who understand the way I communicate I also trust them to know that I mean no offense and to also let me know if I have done/said something that is causing them problems - this enables me to relax a bit more around them because if I can trust that they will let me know if I do something not right then I can relax and not worry about trying to read their minds to figure out whether or not I have caused a problem. I hope that makes sense.

^this is what caused me lots of problems, and the only way I know how to get around this is to either not care about the person or to let them know that if they want to communicate something to me it needs to be DIRECT and VERBAL. If they know this, and I upset them and they dont tell me, then they can't hold it against me that I dont pick up on it and do something about it.

I agree, again I find it easier to be around people who know that I communicate bluntly and that's just how I am and nothing personal. You are right it is exhausting to adapt personality to different people (although sometimes it is necessary). I think as long as you are consistently blunt it will usually just be viewed as a personality trait rather than rudeness.

I often keep stuff to myself because I'm unsure of how others will take it, but I can still put my foot in it without realising. It's a minefield out there.

Yes I get that way all of the time and it does bother me greatly if I offend someone -I do not go out of my way to offend a person and I do not do it maliciously-I just do not know sometimes how to express things or say things correctly.

Well said!

I've also found, since the Dx, that letting people know my body language may not mean what they think it means & to please check in w/me... but the way you have said it is much clearer, I think.

I have a HUGE fear of offending people. When I was younger, I usually told people EXACTLY how I felt and often got into trouble for it. Now I am always have conversations in my head with people before actually talking to them because I don't want to say the wrong thing. That doesn't always work however.

I think I offend people unintentionally by not saying anything. I listen and think about what they've said, but I just don't know what to say. It's not until much later that I realize I should have said something socially acceptable. (o, I'm sorry to hear your sister died, how sad...You don't look fat/old/crazy/whatever you're feeling insecure about) it just doesn't seem terribly meaningful to say those things, and it doesn't come naturally to me.

Same here. Sometimes from anxiety about saying the wrong thing, sometimes from not knowing what to say or that something is needed.

I have problems with this as well, I never mean to say anything offensive about anyone but most of the time I don't know how to water it down for the more sensitive people. Then again why should I? Because I feel that if I give them a toned down version of what I intended to say I no longer feel I'm being honest, which is one of my good qualities as I dislike lying. I doubt this will change either as I find it as frustrating when I offend someone as I do when I don't say anything at all.

So I shall continue to be honest and blunt and hopefully some people can become strong willed enough to handle it. Lets face it, during our lives there will always be people that will have strong opinions and views that differ from ours. If you can't handle that then life would be rather difficult I think.

Oh god yes. If I like someone, I worry about offending them. I also worry about being punched or slapped or drinks thrown on me because some people do do that when they get offended and it increased my paranoia. My life be a lot easier if I didn't worry about it anymore. I seem to keep offending someone at work but I always think it's her problem because I am not even saying anything bad. But when I am comfortable with someone, I am more open and I don't even think about it anymore.

I started explaining and warning people when I first meet them, and it helps in the sense that they're not offended when it happens, but it doesn't mean they like it. So nowadays, with much appreciation for me and without being offended, they dump me anyway. It helps to explain and warn however, because they don't badmouth me and I don't make enemies that way, but it doesn't preserve the friendship. This is why I always say that awareness in society won't solve the massive rejection. We're still "unpleasant".

I never intend to offend people, especially people who's good opinion I wish to have like my coworkers, but I'm always afraid I might do or say something which might offend or annoy them without meaning to.