Was I too tough on kid with aspergers

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Hi, some context: we are both in high school, I was a junior and he was a freshman. I'm gay.

Okay, so a freshman, lets say he's named Jerald. He's sitting at our table, and despite his oddities, we let him sit with us because he's a good guy and didn't have anywhere else to sit. Jerald let off a few really, really inappropriate things about gay people (Hitler would have burned you in the oven, they should be executed, and they're disgusting).

I was mad as hell obviously, and I'm far out of the closet, it's a well known fact.In fact,my friend said he told Jerald that I'm gay. I was so insulted I did something I regret, and stood up and said something along the lines of "Yeah well you would have been right next to me it the oven you f'ing r*tard (A term I don't use as an insult generally, I feel I should mention), so unless you come apologize to my face, go find another place to sit" and pushed his lunch (it was in a box so it didn't spill or anything) at him. He left, and never came back

I feel bad,mostly about the insult I hurled at him. But I know folks it's aspergers know that it's completely wrong to say that stuff, especially around people who are gay. Was I an incredible amount rough on him? I feel I should apologize, but he transferred schools for unrelated reasons.

You response seem quite understandable considering the circumstances. You have nothing to apologise for. Hopefully the other guy will realise what a jerk he was being with his comments. Even people with Aspergers can be jerks too.

To my point of view, both of you were wrong. Sorry but Aspergers is not an excuse for making hateful comments. Now if he intended it in a factual manner then it was an overreaction. However, I tend to think this was not the case. Thus, I would have asked him to leave the table but not done anything violent towards him. Doing so would have shown you to be the better person.

For the record, I am religiously opposed to the gay lifestyle but do not hate those who live it. One of my friends is bi and I don't hold it against him. He knows my opinion and we leave it at that. After all, hate is never a constructive emotion when you have the chance to treat someone with respect and love. Only love has a chance to change people for the better while hate only destroys.

I find that decision very understandable, in fact, I'm bi and might have done something similar. People with Asperger's should be especially tolerant since we're not exactly the "standard human" ourselves. So what he did only makes him an idiot in my opinion.

Having Aspergers myself I find some of the political correctness about some things way too much.
Being Gay is a choice don't tell me the PC answer it is a choice.
I myself am attracted to men not women but I made a choice not to act on it.
Having Aspergers and a cleft lip to contend with making myself even more of an outcast by acting on my urges was just not going to happen.

You have made a choice not to try and repress your feelings what you feel inside is one thing it is only when you act on it you become gay.
Do not get me wrong I do not disagree with you I made one choice you made another fair enough.

Why do you feel the need to come out to straight people?
Many straight people find homosexuality disgusting and that is just a fact.

I do not have a problem with gay people so don't get offended with me however many people do have a problem with gay people and coming out will cause those problems.

I am not defending the kid but just maybe somebody like a father or brother or people he is trying to be accepted by is going on about gay people

Now having Aspergers does not excuse such hurtful comments but people with Aspergers have a bit less judgment on what to say.

Proper response to kid I AM GAY AND I FIND THOSE COMMENTS REALLY HURTFUL AND IF YOU WANT TO SIT AT THIS TABLE YOU CAN APOLOGIZE OR SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

Your response was to stand up and call him a F***ing ret*d hitting at his Aspergers a condition with is not a choice and you flung his lunch at him introducing a physical element to this.

Now you said he was a nice guy despite the comments he made which I am not defending.

Your response to him took it up a few levels these is no way he will approach you and say sorry keep dreaming.

You have two choices you can be an offended queen and be blind to the fact your response was not only offensive it was devastating.

You can either leave it at that or you can go to the kid and talk to him and say something like the following.


OK I know what I said and did was very hurtful but you caused it by your comments about my sexuality which I also found very hurtful if you want rejoin us at the table please do not make comments like that in the future.

Now I have given you honest advice and if the kid with Aspergers had been asking I would have read him the riot act too.

Now your still at the table in you social pack the kid with Aspergers is on his own if you want to end this you will need to make the first move.

Understandable response, and if you say stuff like that you deserve it and should expect rage from the person you're saying it to. If you're so disrespectful but yet so ignorant maybe it's even best to learn how these things go. Highly inappropriate.

Why was this rubbish about "being gay is a choice because you can choose not to act on it" even relevant to this discussion? It's not only factually wrong, it has nothing to do with the rest of the thread.



Why should gay people consider homophobic straight people's bigotry when coming out? It seems to me that their disgust is one reason people do make a point to come out. It's not like all those heterosexuals all over the place are hiding their orientation, after all.

You shouldn't have used that particular word to insult him, but Asperger's Syndrome is not an excuse for saying the things he said.

Having Aspergers I find it very hard to make small talk this really should not be a problem but I have to take this reality into account in my life.
I was also born with a cleft lip something that was not my fault but I had surgery on it twice in the last year because of peoples reactions to it.

Gays are a minority and coming out to make some kind of moral stand has a cost.

In my life all I have ever wanted to do was fit in.

I do not understand why Gay people need to be so open about it?

Being bullied over my lip and having to deal with Aspergers on top of it has made me stand out enough in life.
Living the gay lifestyle is a choice which I have decided is not for me as I am fed up standing out.

How is all this relevant to the original post?

I though I would give the original poster some insight into some of what goes on inside my mind to help him understand that kid.

Being openly gay is a choice having a cleft lip was not.

I have had plenty of s**t thrown my way starting from when I was a very young child and nobody ever really helped me.
Gays getting so offended annoys me as this is a chosen cause right now.

People being singled out for any reason should be a cause for outrage?

I had to endure years of being shouted at being called lippy two lips ret*d told to go and kill myself and so on.
When these things would come to a head teachers would say I was too sensitive like it was my fault.

Now it seems to me I had the whole world against me as cleft lip was not a PC fashionable cause.

Now the original poster had one kid with Aspergers make a few and I agree very hurtful comments but the kid who made the comments is now the isolated one not the original poster.


I could not hide my cleft lip and having Aspergers made it very difficult for me to defend myself.

Running just under the surface I feel gay and I have chosen to hide this and not act on it.

I will again say being openly gay is a choice.

Agreed. I think the fact that what you said bothers you is a sign that you yourself would like to find a different response.

I think in the heat of the moment, your reaction is understandable, AND you might also want to rehearse some strong responses that are more in keeping w/your personal ethics. Some situations do call for STRONG responses, but w/in that we can maintain our personal ethics.

For example, I may give someone a real ass chewing, but I will never allow myself to raise a hand towards them. Sure, I'd like to be able to just let everything go like water off a duck's back [easily], respond reasonably & politely, but the fact is I'm not there yet (working on it). So 'til that happens, I have set myself boundaries like not raising a hand or physically threatening someone who has NOT physically threatened me, not using racial, etc. epithets & not 'kitchen sinking' or bringing into the argument everything I dislike about the person (everything & the kitchen sink).

Knowing that idjeets exist in the world, you have a temper & these sorts of situations will arise, work out your own personal ethics as regards them. Practice them in your imagination, you'll have a better chance of actually using them when the s#)+ hits the fan.

You weren't too tough, as others have said, Asperger's does not give you a right to say whatever nasty things come to your head.
And about the issues with being openly gay, are you freaking kidding? There's nothing wrong about being honest about who you are. Asking people to hide it is what led tons of men to commit suicide from shame and marry women they couldn't even enjoy sex with. Basically to deny themselves one of the most natural and pleasurable things in life. The cure to homophobia is acceptance, not hiding in the freaking closet.

He shouldn't have said what he said. You also shouldn't have called him a f*****g ret*d either. That guy is going to be very suspicious about his peers for the rest of his life because of what you said and did to him. I know how it feels. I was called a ret*d many times by my peers in school even though they did it for no particular reason. That guy was probably called ret*d and useless his whole life by many different people. I think that you were both out of line and you should both apologize to each other. Just don't be surprised if he doesn't want to sit with you anymore after what you said and did to him. As I said, I'm very sensitive to the words ret*d and ret*d. I was even convinced that I was ret*d until my mum told me that I'm HFA, three nights after my 15th birthday. I was even in denial that I had a disability two years before than, because it hurt so bad.

No. For some people, it is not a choice. For some people the option of lying about and hiding your feelings and romantic relationships is not an option.

I need to be open, I can't live a big fat lie - it gives me chest pains. But that doesn't mean that people calling me fa***t, and being generally disrespectful isn't hurtful.

I think you should apologize. Say something like "What you said was completely uncalled for and wrong and I replied similarly. But if you want to sit at our table then I feel you need to apologize for what you said about gay people."

Extend the olive branch but stand but what you (justifiably) said.

All this talk about "being openly gay is a choice" gives me headache. Really? That's like saying "being openly autistic is a choice, you have the choice to repress your overloads". I want to see you try that.

I hate hiding it too when people start talking about women it socially isolates me even more.

For me it is a choice not an easy choice but a choice.

I have found life with the cleft lip much worse then any worries of hiding my sexuality.

Have any of you considered the possibility that this kid with Aspergers may be in the closet and also in denial.

Running the negative stuff off to an openly gay person may have been his way of dropping hints.