Question for the females.

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All my life, all the women I been with in the end expected me to support them, and I do not mind, in many ways I enjoy being the provider, I just dislike being taken for granted as if I owed them that instead of it being a part of my gift to them.

My first wife (only wife, never married the others), lost interest once we hit financial hard times, often getting angry because of having to get up with me and try as a partner during those hard times.

My second girlfriend (my sons mother), as I watch her over the years, she seems to try to support her own needs but still expects the men to support her and the home finances. she ends up in womens shelters and the like but seems to expect men to have no problem taking an interest in her, while at the same time I know full well she wouldn't take an interest in a man if the reverse was true. when we were in a relationship most all her finances went to her needs not the home funds for bills and rent. (although mutually for the children)

My last girlfriend, she had a job when we got together, then lost it, then got side work, but was loath to help with any of the bills expecting me to shoulder everything when I was taking care of not only her but her kid too, she spent her funds on her own things of interest, and then when I complained she lost interest in me too.

I have had other (short lived) relationships, but they all were striate out gold-diggers and users (and thats why the relationships didn't last).

So my question is, do women expect men to take care of women as if its what were supposed to do as if its taken for granted that we do? where the reverse is rarely true? and when we fail those expectations we lose value to the women?

I know not all women are the same. I am just talking in general.

(Thread moved from Getting to know each other to The Firepit... erm... I mean Love and Dating.)

Well OK, sorry I placed thread in wrong place.


But Still.

Part of me also feels that females do this feeling its the price men have to pay just to have a love life. which for me devalues the act of love making as well as that of what love and partnership is or should be.

As a woman, I'd say you PICK the women who want a man to be the bread-winner. I know plenty of women who would rather die than become financially dependent on a man.

You might ask yourself... why am I not attracted to financially independent women?

There is no stereotypical 'woman', so if you notice a pattern in the women you are attracted to, you need to take a look at yourself, not blame all womanhood.

Actually, I don't consider finances when it comes to dating or the women I pick. mostly I gone by mutual interests and chemistry.

Secondly if you read more closely to my first post I did not say all women, because not all are the same. I was just speaking in general terms. wanting to hear your side of the coin. you sounded almost angry, like this topic hit a tender spot.

my husband and i both work outside the home and contribute to the household funds. he does make more than me and pays more. things might be different if we had kids. i might stay home.

in the 80's i was a doctor who was engaged to a lab tech, so i was willing to be the primary bread-winner.

As you've said all women are different. I think it is best to discuss these sorts of issues prior to moving in together - different people, both male and female have different expectations of what the gender roles in a relationship should be.

Personally, my rules have always been as follows: If both I and my partner earn a similar amount then bills and rent etc is split 50/50. If we both work a similar number of hours, then the housework is also split 50/50. If my partner earns significantly more than I do then they pay more, if I earn significantly more than them then I pay more. If one partner works significantly less hours, then they should shoulder a larger share of the house work than the partner working longer hours. I've experienced all those variations just within one long term relationship.

I am quite traditional as is my boyfriend, and we have decided that after we have children I will stay at home and he will work and support our family. This is what we both want, and the way our families operated. In that instance my husband will control all the finances, and in return I will bring up his children and attend to all the housework. This arrangement might not work for everyone of course.

Sometimes relationships break up under financial strain not because the other party is a gold digger but because the stress of financial problems can exacerbate underlying problems in the relationship. Some women do have an expectation of being 'kept', especially if they have children and their own family operated along traditional gender lines. In the future before you make any joint financial commitment such as moving in together I think it might be best to clarify your expectations to make sure you are both singing from the same hymn sheet, so to speak.

{shrug}

Other than my parents when I was a child, no one has financially supported me. Ever. I've been married, I've been in a long-term unmarried partnership, and I've always supported myself, my children, and sometimes my partner (when they were going through a bad time). Though I personally could never be financially dependent on someone else, most people I know fall comfortably into the realm of "we both contribute, we both support each other and our household and our children".

I agree with what DonkeyBuster said.

It isn't ALL women, but I've met quite a few that do exactly as you're saying. They use the guy's money up, and dump him once he's out of funds. It shocks and repulses me when my female friends tell me about this crap, or I see it being done by them. One friend in particular dated a guy for two years and dumped him once he ran into some really tough times financially. He couldn't drive her places and do stuff for her, so she dumped him for another man that could, but this time he had way more money and a stable job.

I can see why a lot of guys end up feeling used and abused; I can also see why girls deal with the same thing. Some guys do the same thing to girls; it just depends on the circumstances and the people involved in the relationship. Eventually, they take each other for granted, and that can put serious strain on the two.

Yes, a lot of the time men do lose value to women, but the same can be said for men to begin devaluing women when they run out of funds. It's a respect thing, in my opinion. Again, it's the people involved in the relationship. Not everyone is the same.

Hint: A man with Asperger's (in most cases), can't tell if a girl is emotionally unstable, a gold digger or something equally bad before it's to late. My ex was very manipulative and selfish, but I didn't know when we got together. Asperger's makes us lag behind our peers in social skills; it's like playing soccer when you're almost blind or doing pullups when you have muscular dystrophy.

No men are instantly repulsed by financially independent women; the "men hates career women" myth is just a self-reinforcing dellusion. Many well-educated women tend to be very passive in terms of dating, though.

This is the statement I'm responding to. No, I'm not angry. But rather than ask why do [some] women do this, I think you should ask why do I keep ending up w/women who do this? Reflect the question back to yourself.

You may not be consciously choosing dependent women, but it's a pattern you need to investigate. Who we choose as partners is largely unconscious until we do investigate our initial, generally bad, choices. Only then can we make better choices.

This. We've all probably made the same dating mistakes over and over again. Of course as Kurgan says we don't always realise these mistakes until we are involved in a relationship. This is one reason, if possible, to delay moving in together or making joint financial commitments until you have had real conversations with your partner about their expectations (and yours) and you've seen how your partner behaves in a variety of situations, including ones involving money. This is also why I think it's ideal if people wait a little bit of time before the clothes come off, because it means you have the time to properly evaluate the other person without being blinded by hormones. It's boring and old fashioned, but I think it's worth doing if you are looking for a 'forever person'.

If we find ourselves repeatedly in relationships with people who share a negative trait, we need to think carefully about why that might be.

Truth.

I think this really serves Aspies well, too. It gives us a chance to return to our own innate sanity, re-evaluate the data & make better decisions.

My current partner & I dated for a month before we had sex (torture, but valuable) & then continued to date for a year before she moved in w/me. We have been together for 12 years now. Very happy & balanced.

I had always been taught that people get used to their function in a relationship that was established in the beginning of a relationship. You always do the dishes, and before long you're EXPECTED to do the. This has come to be your assumed role. It's very nice of you to be helping out with money to show affection and support for your partner, but maybe you shouldn't do this until your relationship is well established. You're less likely to end up with someone who is with you because you pay for things.

I would discuss expectations from the start. Ask them what they expect of you, and definitely pay attention to warning signals. For example, if the woman says she wants a big house, but doesn't have a lot of money, then you can deduce that you're paying for it.


I would say you let people treat you the way you act toward them. If you're open to financially supporting them, and don't tell them you want it to be equal from the start, then they'll assume it doesn't bother you and therefore take advantage of your generosity. Did you pay for all the dates? Did you let your date look at the bill too (if you went to a restaurant, for example)? These are signs women look for. I can tell what man wants to take charge by how he handles the bill. I read somewhere that it's nice for the man to pay for the first date, but thereafter it should be about equal... unless you want to pay for everything.