Just Diagnosised

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I just got diagnosised with AS three weeks ago and I don't know how I feel about it. I thought it was a relief because so many things made so much sense however my husband thinks my maturity and behaviour have gone backwards since I thought I had AS. We have been fighting a fair bit and he said he doesn't like labels. I am not really sure how to handle it all. I feel like nobody has been really supportive of my diagnosis.

Suggestions?

I can't speak for everyone, but after my self diagnosis, there was a time where I seemed to get worse, I think because I was coming to terms with it; accepting my difference while finding the best compromise with being me and coping with me at the same time. It took awhile, and though much is still not resolved, I'm much more comfortable with that aspect of my identity. I'm okay with it. Anyone else feel this way?

When I was diagnosed, my doctor said "Don't use this as an excuse"

Good point. I think it's easy for us to wriggle out of stretching ourselves because it is so unpleasant. On the other hand, it's easy for people to criticize because they think we are just plain lazy. I guess it comes down to being very mindful of your limitations and working on them in a reasonable way. Knowing when to push yourself and when not to, that takes a lot of insight.

He's going to have to pay attention sometime, unless he's happy to let you go. Just as the diagnosis forces a reassessment of everything onto you, so it does to him.

There's stuff we can work on, in what drives the NT population crazy, but there's stuff that's resistant to change. I don't know any answers.

I spoke to hubby tonight and he said he does support me but doesn't like labels and is sick of me reading about aspergers. He said its not a life threatening condition and that even though I have this "label" he fell in love with me 5 years ago with all my quirks and still loves me quirks and all.

I don't like labels either - I think one should refuse to be defined by them. But it sounds like your husband isn't really saying this on principle but just using it as a phrase because he doesn't want to deal with it ("its not a life threatening condition", and wants you to stop reading about it, is rather telling).

I suppose it can be alarming for people and they can have all sorts of worries, like, maybe they didn't know the person as well as they thought they did, or worrying that maybe the person is changing.

I think I've got worse since I was diagnosed. Something inside said "it's ok to be this way because that's how you were born" rather than "strive incredibly hard to hide who you are". As a result I have drifted even further away from normalcy than where I was already.

Like you, I read and talked all I could about it with my partner, but after a while realised she (my one social contact) probably didn't want to be constantly reminded that her 'significant other' had been diagnosed with a developmental disorder.

I feel this way, too.

I feel free. Finally it all makes sense. The years of therapy, the anxiety, the self recrimination.

I could not be more pleased with my late in life diagnosis. From here forward I intend to stop trying to act like an NT.

WOW, I am glad I am not the only one who feels like they are getting "worse" (although I don't like using that word) since being diagnosed as an adult. I don't really like the dx, but at the same time I do. Classic case of ambivalence, I suppose.

For example, I had never understood why it is that when I am speaking with someone, I prefer to look at their mouth rather than their eyes. I had learned that if I look at someone's forehead or just over their shoulder, then it made them think I was making better eye contact, so I would do that, too. Now I think to myself, "Heck, don't even bother with that." The only people I really look in the eye are my parents, unless I force myself-- which I hate to do, and which I really feel like I don't want to do.

Other things, like my routines and my quirkiness with the way I eat or dress... I'm going to stop trying to change those quirks and stop feeling guilty and weird about them. If I want to wear the same clothes all the time, then that's what I'm going to do. If I want to talk ad nauseum about the things that I like to talk about, then that's what I'm going to do. People can just walk/run away for all I care. It's not like I have this huge array of friends that I'm in danger of losing anyways!! !

I used to do things for other out of a deep feeling of incredible guilt or out of the feeling that "If I give this person the shirt off my back, then maybe they will be my friend"-- and it would really just drive me nuts. Now, I know that that is not actually healthy and that I don't have to do things for others. I know now that I cannot buy friendship and that people don't really appreciate things I do for them anyways, so why bother? I'm not an easily befriendable person... and now I understand why.

I hated trying to be an NT, and I didn't even know that that's what I was doing. I've spent my whole life trying to fit in with others even though it was impossible. No wonder I'm so anxious and depressed all the time.

It's actually quite normal for someone who gets diagnosed with an autistic spectrum disorder to start acting more autistic for a while. It's a way of sorting out who the "real you" is and learning coping strategies to deal with life better. I suspect myself of having Aspergers (no formal diagnosis) and since I have been reading up about it, I have found I have been acting more autistic. I talk to myself more, stim more and let myself avoid eye contact more. Conversely, I have also tried eve contact more to see how it makes me feel and yes, it does creep me out. I find myself studying the other person's eyes when I do it and the patterns and colors of their irises are absolutely fascinating!

At any rate, eventually you will return to who you are with most of the adaptations to the NT world intact. It's sort of a grieving process (from what I have read in my research) that most people diagnosed later in life go through and you do get over it. It takes time and connecting with others who have the condition so that you can see that you are not alone in this. In the end, no healthy person ever exists entirely in their natural state. We all adapt to the people and situations around us in order to function. Aspies may have a harder time with certain things but they do have adaptations to deal with the "normal" world too. You just need time to sort it out. Explain this to your husband and try to make him understand your need to learn about the condition as a part of learning how to move on in a way that is healthy for you. Plenty of aspies obsess over the condition when they first learn of it as that is a part of our neurological makeup.

I'm in the middle of this at the moment, actually. Not diagnosed as yet--but much fits, tests so far (on my own) agree. Going to approach doc with this on Thursday and am anxiety ridden at the thought. My wife's not been terribly enthused at my researching this either. She was fine with the BPD/major depression/ADD end of things--this one's made things a little touchy.

She doesn't like labels either. In my view (haven't mentioned this) people who utter those words are deflecting as they bloody well are invested in labels (husband, boss/worker, student, bla bla bla) it's that this one makes them uncomfortable. Probably because, in their youth, they were made to watch a movie where someone on the spectrum severed a head on a Greyhound to Duluth. Who knows.

Maybe they understand it will forever mean that someone with ASD always requires just a little more care and attention to keep playing at 'normal'. Again, who knows.

I'm concerned that a positive diagnose in some away gives 'permission' to loosen the restraints somewhat in not being NT. Then again, that's already been happening as I finally accepted that I'm an artist. That, believe me, is a license to be weird.

Perhaps it's also a bit the case that we expect entirely too much of NTs. They're people too, with flaws, limitations, fears and weirdnesses.

Personally, at the moment's, it's all making me a bit sad. Such unnecessary crap across all those years. That and: 'Am I ever going to know who I am?"

Your husband sounds a lot like mine, cuteaspie. I think in someways, it sort of made him uncomfortable because there are some traits we share. I definitely agree with the "don't use this as an excuse" sentiment. I don't believe that my AS got worse after diagnosis...if anything, it actually got better because when I would have a meltdown, I would get even MORE anxious because I couldn't fathom what would make me act and feel like that and why I couldn't regain control. Now that I know the answer to that, it eases the anxiety.

The way I approached it in my marriage was, rather than using it as an excuse, use it to help my husband understand my wacky behavior. If I would fly off the handle emotionally, we would BOTH get frustrated at not understanding why it was happening. Now, he knows...so it's not so much an excuse as "ok, this is something that is hardwired and not intentional, so let's figure out another way to deal with it/curb it rather than yell at you to stop, because you can't."

I definitely feel this way. But maybe I'm just letting myself be the real me instead of layering on tons of extra work. All I know is it may seem I am getting worse but I am definitely feeling better.