feeling desperate, need help

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My daughter is 15 and was diagnosed with Asperger's about 2 years ago. She also has PDD-NOS, depression and severe anxiety. I believe there is also something else that the doctors have not diagnosed yet. She has always had meltdowns, but they have worsened a lot over the past 2 years, She sees a psychiatrist 2x a month, a therapist, weekly and is on medication. I had to hospitalize her a few months ago because she got violent and was beating on my other 2 children. She did very well in the hospital and she had a wonderful 3 weeks after her release. She is out of control again and I dont know what else to do. She is extremely disobedient and every day is full of screaming temper tantrums. They can last for 3 to 4 hours of nonstop screaming. At this point I think even a gentle breeze can set her off. I think I have tried every technique in the book and have had no success. She has even told her psychiatrist that she is not going to bother to make any effort unless there is a good enough prize in it for her. My other children (17,13&6) are walking on eggshells around her and terrified when she is screaming. They have taken to giving her whatever she wants so she won't get angry. My husband and I are exhausted and totally overwhelmed. The stress has pushed us both beyond our limits and we are now fighting with each other and considering splitting up. I know it sounds awful to say but this child is destroying all of us.

The best part is, the screaming and hitting only occur around people she knows very well. She does not have an IEP yet because she has had only 2 very minor episodes in school other than being horribly disorganized and never turning in homework. Her test scores are high enough that she is passing everything with a B or C. Her therapist and psychiatrist have both recommended residential care. I have applied to a facility close to home but have not gotten an answer from them yet. I feel like the worst mother in the world, as if I am abandoning her. At the same time, I need to keep my other children safe. I wish there was something else I could do, but I don't think that there is anything left.

If anyone has any experience in placing their child, I sure could use some advice. I' m sorry if this post was long but thanks for reading.

Oh gee, I feel moved by your concerns. My very good friend was in a very similar situation and my husband and I have contemplated this as well. I would be extremely concerned about the safety of your other children. Imo, your daughter needs to get a reality check and feel what it's like to get stripped of all her belongings and have 0 privacy in a hospital setting.

It is important to realize that your daughter will also receive more direct care for her autism, and she may learn more appropriate behaviors while she is away before eventually coming back home.

I don't think you are the worst mother and think that you are doing the absolute right thing! Hands down, if my son became a real physical threat to his sister or anyone in the house, we'd have to do something. That's a serious risk.

Was she molested in any way?? It seems that she may be angry at those closest to her...just a thought but you may want to clarify this by like 100% to make sure. She may be reluctant to talk about it, but I really think you must.

No, the only trauma she has really been through was her father dying when she was 4. She really doesn't remember her father and my husband considers her to be his daughter, regardless of blood relationship. Her anger generally flares when she is not able to do what she wants to, sister won't play with her. is asked to shower, etc. I think it may be a case where she is more comfortable and can let her guard down a bit. The few times she has acted out in school have been with a teacher who has been my neighbor for the last 6 years. She plays with her 8 year old on occasion.

At this point, I'm ready to just throw her in the care and take her back to the hospital. The only thing stopping me is that I know she will just be released in a few days. I'm wondering if maybe the doctors could get her a placement faster than I can on my own.

The fact she modifies her behavior around people she's less familiar with demonstrates she is aware of what she's doing and has the power to deal with it. There may be some things that aggravate her behavior though. Have you tried eliminating certain foods? Modern wheat can have a variety of effects on the brain, and Auties as a group are more inclined to show sensitivity to it. Also, if she is reward oriented, I would try making her work for virtually everything she enjoys. Tv, video games, etc. She may also be attention seeking. Is there a lot of her/parents time?

You also mentioned she's been worse the last couple of years. Those teenage girl hormones exploding can make it hard for any girl. Does she have any stims that could calm her? Does she respond to physical pressure, like Temple Grandin's squeeze box, or a weighted blanket? If you haven't seen the Temple Grandin movie, it's worth watching.

As for placement, my wife and I used to work in a home for troubled youth. One thing I don't like about those environments for Auties is they often end up getting bullied the other kids, and it doesn't help them develop socially in my experience. In the end however, you do have the rest of your family to consider. Prayers to you in this difficult time.

Yes, I believe that she absolutely knows what she is doing, however, I don't know that she can control herself enough to stop. As far as rewards go, we have tried a lot of positive reinforcement, taking things away, having her earn privileges and so on. None of it phases her a bit. She would prefer to have nothing than to comply with a simple request such as brushing her teeth. By reward oriented I mean, she expects a material reward such as I'll stop hitting her today if you buy me X.

I'm pretty sure that the hormones have played a big part. My oldest child is bipolar and 13 was pretty rough. My husband is gluten intolerant so the whole family has been gluten free for years. Recently I told her she was not to come out of her room unless she showered and washed her clothes. She made it for 3 weeks in there, only complying because we were going on vacation.

The facility I am trying to get her into specializes in Autism and Asperger's. I haven't heard of Temple Grandin but I will definitely check it out. thanks for the advice.

I see...I am having those sane exact issues to a lightly lesser degree with my son, who is 14. I'm pretty sure he's been more sensitive to things bc of the whole hormone/puberty thing. I actually took him to the dentist yesterday and had the Denise and hygienist and orthodontist talk to him about his hygiene. I usually ask him to do those things when he leaves the house with MW and I mane sure to remind him to do it every day, but I definitely don't press the issue. He's like that about his room, brushing teeth, showering, or just about any chore.

I think it's very important to pick only important battles and leave the small stuff alone, I.e. I don't look in his room, but will clean it if Grandma comes over (told this repeatedly so it is no surprise when it finally happens), I don't press the showers unless he reaks, although I remind him every day albeit gently & he tends to forget/ignore, and I ask him to brush his teeth but again, it's an issue and now has gingivitis.

It's a daily struggle and I'm not sure what to do most of the time. All I know is that he needs love and support above all else. Hopefully he will learn the importance of taking care of his body just by positive reinforcement and modeling over time. I'm also trying to get him into a therapeutic day program where they will teach these kind of skills. Learning from experience is also key to learning, so I try to let him experience things for himself, ie like people not wanting to be around if you do not smell pleasant. Usually, I or dad are the ones offended, but it is still a valuable learning experience when someone stops the car to find out what that smell is, then being late to something fun because washing up wasn't taken seriously to begin with.

Anyhoo, hope this helps. Hope you can come to grips with your situation ... I will keep you in my thoughts and pray that you will have the strength to overcome it with grace.

Adolescence was particularly difficult for me as the sudden realization that I was 'different' and couldn't really change it even if I managed to fake it enough to fool most people. I always felt like an outsider and always felt unaccepted by other children, teachers, and my parents. That constant lack of acceptance of who I really was and the constant pressure to be someone I wasn't weighted heavily on me and all throughout childhood I was a very angry child and I was quite destructive. I grew out of it and now understand that it's actually a good thing to be different... No one NORMAL ever changed the world.

I believe your daughter is acting out against some kind of pressure whether it be at home, at school, or elsewhere whether you see it or not; her behavior is proof enough that she is feeling such pressure and as a result blows up. Such feelings repressed fester and boil over... so let her let them out before it gets there but in a constructive way.

My suggestion instead of fighting her need to meltdown - set aside a set block of time and a specific time to let her have a meltdown every day and encourage her to use all of that time. Give her something to punch/kick/whatever to get out all of her aggressions, let her make as much noise as she wants, and when the time is over do something nice with her to change the mood (perhaps read a book with her). Spend time with her and let her decide what to do - don't judge her in any way just let her be herself; when she senses that you're really accepting her and not just pretending to it should help.

This makes the "terrible teens" sound dreadful.
I know all teens act out, thats a fact, but this really needs some hard yards to fix.
I would suggest both negative and positibe reinforcement.

Negative, as in if she doesnt behave she loses something important. depending on the degree of what she has done. like she hits, she loses her favorise object, etc. You said, she said outright unless there is a prize in it for her, she wont change her behaviour. This is where Positive reinforcement comes into play. Once she has been stripped of all her persessions, postively reinforce her with, if she behaves for a limited amount, of time for eg. a week, she gets one of her persessions back, but if she miss behaves has it taken off her straight away.

She has it all figured out that she can control everyone around her... This has to stop in order to stop her. she needs a reality check.
I saw on an extreme parenting show once, that they similiated an arrest on a disobedient Teen, they arrested her, charged her and threw her in jail for a night. they promised to let her ago if she stopped the way she was behaving or she would be back in the slammer for a full sentance.

Or to a more extreme nature, which i am sure seems very cruel, show her where the door is.... if she refuses tell her what her obligations to staying are.

Most of your post suggests a mind fully aware of what is going on and fully in control.

She's got to learn she can't get what she wants by throwing a fit. No matter how rough and nasty the fits are, and they will get worse before they get better, you and your husband and your family have to hold the line.

I think eventually, you will break her bad habits.

It would be nice if there was an easy answer to this, right?

Ultimately, you are going to have to do what's best for your family and I am sure you will weigh all of your options before making any decision.

What I do want to do is to reassure you that placing your child in a facility that specializes in autism is not abandoning your her. I don't want this next piece to sound harsh and I apologize up front if it does (though it is intended to help you feel better), but it doesn't sound that at this point you are necessarily able to meet her needs, so keeping her with you to avoid your own feelings of guilt is actually worse, IMHO, than getting her somewhere where she can get some help. She is getting to the age where she needs to start gaining some independence if she ever hopes to be independent, and from my experience, most Aspie teens do wish to be independent. It sounds like all she is learning now is how to be controlling of other people. Again, I'm not trying to be harsh or make you feel bad. I think that acknowledging that you can't help her, no matter how much you love her, takes courage.

These are hard decisions. Ones I have never had to make and ones I hope I never have to make. However, having supported friends in the past who had to make these tough decisions, I understand that what you really need right now is support, even if I can sit here in my shoes and say I'd never place my kids. The truth is that I know that I can't know what I'd do, especially if my other children were at risk.

The one comment I would make is that just because she only does this around people she knows well doesn't necessarily mean she "has control" over it. What it means is that she might be working very, very hard to control this around people she cannot trust, and that by the time she is around people she knows, she has spent herself and has nothing left to work with. When my daughter is having a hard time she is usually able to keep it together fairly well at school. And at home, all the autism that she has been trying to keep under wraps bubbles over. I let it. She is doing the best that she can and I think the fact that she can "control" it at school is nothing short of amazing. I'd never hold it against her if she can't keep up that level of effort at home.

Good luck to you.

To an extent, but I feel with my son, the social pressure exhausts him at kinder but when he gets home, he is free to "be himself", he can let his guard down and I know other parents who say the same thing, not just spectrum kids...

I have some reading for you: first of all, a poster here wrote a book that helped many of us at www.asdstuff.com Second, if you go to the sticky at the top of the board titled "Parenting Index" there are many threads on violence and destructive behavior that you can read through to see if other parents' experience can help you.

I am sorry you are driven to the point of finding a care facility for your daughter. I can't imagine being in that position (my own son was violent, he is much better now, but we have only one child) and I can only imagine what you and your daughter must be feeling. FWIW, my son also was able to hold it together at school most of the time - however, doing so took every last ounce of energy he had and then he came home and took it out on us. We had no idea that school was taking such a huge toll on him until we went to multi-disciplinary practice at a local hospital that specialized in autism, and they discovered he had a pragmatic speech deficit, along with other needs that were not being met, and they gave us a set of appropriate accommodations for the school (along with recommendations for speech therapy, social skills classes, and one-on-one therapy.)

Have you seen an autism specialist - a pediatric neurologist or developmental pediatrician? A speech therapist (she may have hidden difficulty with speech even if she speaks perfectly) We'd been taking him to therapists, psychologists and social workers for years with no improvement. We didn't realize that autism required specific interventions and that those interventions could really make such a difference. Check through my screen name and see what my earlier posts look like compared to those in the last year.