Hidden Autistics

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http://www.aspiestrategy.com/2012/05/hi ... dults.html


Recently I encountered a problem while collaborating with a group therapist with whom I share a patient. My patient has progressed quickly in therapy, as do many adults on the spectrum. However he did not start off as stereotypically autistic. In fact, initially he presented as many of my patients do: shy, articulate, witty. Good eye contact. Appropriate affect. Typical posture, gait and gesturing.

It took a few sessions to realize this fine gentleman suffered mightly with the symtoms of Asperger Syndrome, which he kept well managed and thoroughly hidden. Contrary to the stereotyoes of adults on the spectrum, my patient displayed no "meltdown" behavior, was keenly (TOO keenly) aware of people's reactions to him and exhibited no bizarre special interests or encyclopedic knowledge of vaccuum models.

In fact, "Joe", as we'll call him, socialized quite well. He seemed quietly confident and wry, intelligent and perceptive. People responded well to him, really liked him, though probably none of them would describe him as a close friend. No one realized - in fact he often went without realizing - that his baseline anxiety approached panic on a regular basis. As soon as he was out of bed, existential angst was his constant companion. His difficulty managing his thoughts made rudimentary conversations minefields to be navigated. And navigate he did, dodging social errors with the same fright and determination one might actually dodge mines. After even minor social interactions he routinely found himself exhausted, and would retreat to soothing, isolated activity: sculpture, writing, woodworking. Not conversation with his wife.

Diagnosing this man was problematic. He truly did not fit the criteria for Asperger Syndrome. In fact, the only person to suspect he was on the spectrum was his wife, who puzzled endlessly about this curious man. He seems so sensitive and kind, she would say. Yet he ignores my birthday and hangs up before saying goodbye. He's so charming with others, yet so silent at home. He never misses a deadline at work, yet cannot remember to give our dog his heart medication.

Partners of people on the spectrum are drawn to what they can sense is inside their partner. Yet they feel shut out, left pining for connection with this special person who remains unreachable. It can be a confusing relationship, and one that can easily lead to resentment.

So what was the problem I ran into with the collaborating therapist? She found it hilarious - outrageous! - that Joe had been diagnosed with Asperger's. When Joe would make an insightful comment during group session, this group therapist and members would share a hearty laugh, rolling their eyes that this sensitive man had been diagnosed as autistic. When Joe would tear up recounting his wife's rage and disappointment, he'd hear "So Mr. Autistic is shaking because his wife got angry! Ha ha! Shouldn't you be indifferent and focusing on dinosaurs?" (I'm sorry to say this is a direct quote.) The general public, even many clinicians, cannot believe someone like Joe can be autistic. His social deficits are so well hidden that he has convinced the world his autism does not exist. And he has perhaps convinced himself.

One person remains unconvinced. His wife. After a long day of running what he terms his "social program", feigning natural banter and hiding anxiety, he is exhausted. His wife comes home to a man who has retreated to isolation as a desperate attempt to find peace and rest.

I'd like to write more about this "hidden autistic" phenomena. Someone must. Adults on the spectrum are often too good at convincing others they are fine, have no emotions, are robotic. This is never the case, and the illusion can be dangerous to long-term mental health for autistics and their partners alike.

This is mostly me.

Good article, thanks for posting. It also reminds me a bit of hiding depression.

Sounds to me like "Joe" is a high functioning Aspie. Those who are higher functioning tend to be better at blending in, but often something has to give. In Joe's case, he needs to recharge his batteries big time when he gets home, and that requires a lot of alone time, so it is having a negative effect on his marriage. Also, as his wife noted, he is sometimes forgetful. All the stress he is under away from home makes it even harder to process input and output, so he is more absent minded because of that.

The only help I can suggest for Joe and his wife, is that he greatly reduce social activities, so he won't have to spend as much time recharging his batteries, and shutting out his wife. It won't help much on work nights, but maybe he will be better able to relate to his wife on weekends and holidays, if he doesn't have to spend time and energy socializing on those days.

I know how Joe feels. I prefer to live alone, as socializing is very difficult and draining for me. I do run errands when I must, and do occasionally spend time with family, but I don't have friends or go out for non family socializing. I am not anti social, just non social, and I do talk to people when I run errands, and I also talk to the neighbors sometimes, but I really don't have the energy or the skill to engage in relationships of more depth than that.

Joe's wife sounds like she wants to make a go of their marriage. Please suggest to him that he cut down on the socialising, so he will be better able to respond to his wife's needs. I would hate for their marriage to fail over this.

My mother had mental health issues that damaged the family, and eventually ended the marriage, after about 24 or 5 years. It was hell living in such a warped family environment. Fortunately, my father made out better the second time around. My step mom is much nicer to be around than my mom ever was. They've been married longer now than my father's first marriage.

This is me too. Recently diagnosed because my wife suspected it. I have lived with anxiety my whole life as well as the exhaustion that comes from always focusing on what is really happenning around me. What are people thinking? What are their hidden motives? Do I need to protect myself from this individual?

Just diagnosed and I intend to stop adjusting to the NT world.

some of these applied to me befor emy dx as well.

I didn't realize some of the things I do might be "stimming" until a few months ago.

Any therapist that says something like: "So Mr. Autistic is shaking because his wife got angry! Ha ha! Shouldn't you be indifferent and focusing on dinosaurs?" is not a real therapist and should lose their license for ever! That makes me VERY angry, it's a horrible mistake and something to NEVER be said by a therapist. If I ever had said anything like it while in training, I'd have been kicked out of therapy school...

On the other hand, I find I am pretty much like the man portrayed in this article...

@ Vermontsavant: the text is from a website called Aspie Strategy, it's not written by the original poster. The author of the website is a therapist specializing in work with Aspies. She doesn't disclose whether she is on the spectrum though, so it's hard to tell...

_________________
Probably 75% Aspie, 25% NT... and 100% ADHD

Aspie-quiz results:
Aspie score: 138 of 200 / NT score: 78 of 200 => Very likely an Aspie.

Thanks for posting. I can certainly relate to it. Before I was diagnosed, the only person who really agreed that I might have AS was my partner at the time. He was the one who got to see all my quirks, not just my charade. "Invisible Aspies" are hard to see when you don't watch them in a social setting AND afterwards.

Every psych I have seen has commented on how well I present - how good my eye contact is and how easily I converse. I always have to explain that one-on-one, and especially with a male, is the best scenario for me. I don't have to put in as much effort and I don't get as tired. But they can't follow me out into the "playground" to see what I am like in a group setting, so they just have to trust what I tell them.

The problem is the required to survive stuff where one must remain hidden, like school, making a living, social obligations, and a lot less of shelter away from the world, time and space to recharge, knowing that tomorrow will be another day of the same.

When someone thinks that as soon as I wake up, or come in the door from a hard day, it is now their turn, that person is soon out of my life.

When younger, I just packed up and left, telling no one. Later I just ignored them, because I was about to harshly tell them to just shut up. It was something like I will play with the dog, after I put the groceries away, change my clothes, have something to eat, I will make time for other relationships. The dog that trips me carrying four bags and my keys is going to live in the yard.

OK, I will not go to work, forget house payments, I will spend all my attention on you till we are evicted, then we can live on the streets together, you are my entire world, we can live under a bridge and be happy ever after.

It is not just me, a lot of non autistic people get divorced over the same things.

Now when I come in from a long hard day and get told there are some cold ones by my chair on the back porch, and a half hour later get asked if I want another, I may just chew on your ear.

I do deal well with demands, "Get out, I never want to see you again!" I also deal well with support, "Come here, I want to smell you."

It seems simple to me, but I do get along much better with dogs and horses.

I put out the garbage, but if told to do it four times I forget. A man who puts a roof over your head, food on the table, clothes on your back, will forget to give your dog a pill.

A non autistic man, worry when they come home with industrial garbage bags, a hacksaw, duct tape, and hold up a bag like they were measuring you.

Quit acting like a spoiled child, give your partner some respect and support, is what usually leads to a long and happy marrige.

I do not want to be blocked at my door, this is my home, shelter, why I do everything else. This is not my second or third job, I live here.

If I do not preserve myself I am not worth anything to anyone else.

Make it me or you, I have made my choice. There is space for both.

No, I do not need therapy, perhaps you need to go back to that night club I found you in, Here is a hundred, you can come back for your clothes. I will have them washed and packed.

The problem with relationships is other people.

Sometimes I have a "NT Cover-up" which makes me pass for normal for about 4 maybe 12 hours.... Then again.... its exhausting when I get home after having that cover-up affect my behavior all day.

That was an interesting post League_Girl. Apparently Joe and I have a lot in common! I've spent many years faking normality, especially during social interactions. Most people think I'm just a little eccentric at worst and most have no idea of the considerable effort and stress it takes to communicate with them. I'm virtually mute at home - something my wife often complains about.