New Member, I would really appreciate some advice!

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Before I explain the long list of issues I have and why I feel that I have ‘Aspergers’, I must point out that I very am new to the Aspergers community. So I apologise beforehand for any misunderstandings or wrong terminology and any mistakes I might have made.

I also apologise for the very long post but I find it very difficult to express myself verbally so have bottled this all up, which has exploded into this long post. I also feel that I am at the end of the line, which has left me feeling extremely hopeless, depressed, anxious and suicidal as I cannot function or do things like that other people do like going out, socialising and working etc.

Firstly I must point out that I haven’t been officially diagnosed with Aspergers, but I have taken a few tests online. Which resulted in my AQ score being 34 and my Aspie score was 123 of 200 and my neurotypical score being 89 of 200. Even though these are relatively low on the autism spectrum disorder scale, I still feel a very strong connection when I read a post or see anyone speaking about Aspergers, as I can directly relate to allot of their issues and problems. Even if after seeking an official diagnosis, I find out that I haven’t got Aspergers I still feel I could learn a huge amount from the ‘Aspie’ community in how to deal with the similar dibilating issues that we face on a daily basis.

I will now try to explain a little bit about myself and why I feel that I ‘might’ have Aspergers. I am currently 37 years old and reside in the U.K (but I am from Indian descent.) And for as long as I can remember I have always felt alienated, different, strange and alone, even though I have 5 brothers and sisters. I have felt completely detached almost like an alien on another planet which meant that I have never felt part of any community whether that be the British or even my own Indian community.

This has led to me feeling severely depressed and very suicidal over long periods of my adult life. And for as long as I can remember I have suffered from high anxiety, OCD, agoraphobia etc. Over the years I have tried numerous ways of dealing with it, with the most successful being alcohol. And in allot of areas I have learned to conform to what is meant to be normal behaviours. But since I stopped drinking allot of my issues and problems have come back with a vengeance.

During my last counselling session, I was introduced to a psychological problem called ‘cognitive distortions’, which I unfortunately suffer from severely. After researching it I found out that people with ‘Aspergers syndrome’ were more vulnerable to cognitive distortions. I then came across numerous YouTube videos from people with Aspergers, and immediately felt a very strong connection and affinity with them.

I then started to extensively research Aspergers and I was struck about how similar my problems were. But I had never considered I had Aspergers as my only point of reference for any form of autism was very negative like ‘Rain man’. But the people I had witnessed were admittedly strange and quirky but seemed highly intelligent and were leading some semblance of a normal life like me.

I have highlighted the following reasons why I feel I ‘might’ have Aspergers syndrome.

1) I have always loved being alone and currently have zero friends (which I prefer). And I cannot be in a relationship as I need my own space most of the time. And while I was a child I had hardly any friends and never had anyone over to my house. Even though I had lots of siblings I would sit by myself in a dark and dirty cellar drawing and playing with my toys for hours on end during most of my childhood.

2) I do not understand the point of socialising and find it almost impossible to make small talk with people (except when I was drunk). Which has left me completely isolated and with no friends or even relatives that I talk to apart from my parents and siblings.

3) I have an extremely obsessive nature such as always drawing when I was a child up to the age of 26. This was to the exclusion of all other activities and subjects. Even though I was a quite and polite student this obsession resulted in me truanting allot and not turning up to school for a whole 4 months when my mum was abroad. Instead I would sit at home in my dark and dirty cellar for 13-14 hours a day drawing.

I would be so consumed that I would lose track of time and everything around me. This resulted in me not seeing the relevance of any other subjects so I refused to sit any other exams resulting in me leaving school with only one qualification in GCSE Art (I later went back and went to university getting a degree in design). This obsession meant that my standard of drawing was so high that by the time I was 15 I got a job as a comic illustrator with a national U.K. newspaper who published my own superhero comic strip for 8 months. This obsessive nature has subsequently gone into different areas over the last few years with whatever I am into becoming all consuming.

4) I have always had difficulty keeping eye contact, and find it very uncomfortable. And in some cases I feel that certain individuals can see directly into my soul which is extremely unnerving.

5) Being very naive, trusting and gullible and taking things very literally in my younger years. This resulted in me being picked, bullied, teased and easily taken advantage of up to when I was in my twenties.

6) Being brutally honest, with people saying that I can be rude and at times inappropriate. And just in the last few years I have advised a lady I had just met that she should smack her 16 year son if he misbehaves. And saying to my area manger (who I had never spoken to before)who was going on holiday and is Indian, that he doesn’t need to go anywhere hot on holiday because he already has a dark enough tan (I’m Indian as well). I didn’t realise how inappropriate these comments were until later when these two individuals started treating me very differently afterwards.

7) Obsessively talking about the same things and topics that I am interested in over and over again and do not realising or worst still not caring that it is boring people.

I suffer from extreme anxiety especially in crowded places like shopping centres, train stations etc. And feel extremely self conscious like I am an alien and that everyone is staring intently at me which becomes very mentally draining and tiring when I go out.

9) Being agoraphobic and isolated and actually preferring my own company and constantly having full conversations with myself. Which has lead to me spending most of my time alone in my room all day by myself doing my particular hobby or interest (which I actually really do like).

10) Having obsessions with certain foods such as Heinz baked beans and tomato ketchup, having eaten it every day for over 20 years. And I have never gotten bored of it, and still get excited when I see Heinz baked beans.

11) I always wear the same clothes over and over again and do not change. Resulting in me buying multiples of the same clothes, like having the exact same black shirts, t-shirts, trainers, shoes etc. I would then wear them everyday like a uniform for 1 to 2 years at a time until they are so damaged that I then have to find another uniform. I also have other strange clothing habits like always wearing jackets even in summer time, and when younger only wearing a t-shirt during the winter times when it was snowing.

12) I Have OCD and very rigid routines and rituals, which means any change of routine or environment like going on holiday being very difficult and distressing. Which has resulted in me never going on holiday as an adult and only leaving London on a handful of occasions. And whenever I go somewhere new I will Google map it and do the whole journey through the Google 3-d street view including whole bus journeys, so I know exactly where I am going.

13) I am extremely idealistic and a perfectionist and cannot stand liars, manipulative and deceitful people. And I always seem to get in trouble helping to stick up for people that I know are being harassed or bullied at my previous job. This has resulted in me being seen as a troublemaker by managers, especially since I also put a case against them to an employment tribunal for victimisation and harassment.

14) Having terrible coordination in particular when young not being play sports or catch or kick balls. Which meant I was picked last on the team and always bullied. Never being able to learn how to swim and even slipped and nearly drowned in 4 feet of water at the swimming pool. Being so accident prone that I broke, ripped or cut my nose over 7 times when younger.

15) I have also had problems in various other areas which negatively affect my life such as my phobia of driving and in particular directions and maps. Always having 2 satnavs at all times and I would only do limited routes like to my sisters or work. With any new routes causing me to panic and drive very dangerously, as I would feel completely disorientated and lost, even if I lived in the area all my life. And it also took me 13 years and 5 attempts to pass my driving test when I was 33 but I have decided not to drive as I find it to difficult.

Just to add to my weirdness I have had some of the strangest habits. Such as shaving most of my beard off and then spending 20 minutes drawing it back on hair by hair with a pen for 14 years of my life. Hating having water on my hair so I refused to wash my hair for 16 years from the age of 16 to 32. And wearing a hood and trainers at home at all times for 3 years, only taking them off when sleeping and bathing.

I apologise for the long post, but I just felt like finally getting it all off my chest. I know that the problems suffer from may not be related to Aspergers and may just be coincidental. And I must also point out that even though I have allot of similar symptoms I do have other attributes that are supposedly contrary to people with Aspergers. Firstly I do have empathy, in fact I have allot of empathy with people but I do sometimes find it difficult to express it adequately. I have learnt to make eye contact but can find it excruciatingly uncomfortable (I wear glasses as it helps and acts like a barrier between my eyes and everyone else’s). I am terrible at maths, I.T science etc but I am extremely artistic and creative which is contrary to the stereotypical idea of an Aspie. And I do understand jokes and learnt what sarcasm was the hard way through life.

There are numerous other things that are similar and different to Aspergers that I suffer from. Ultimately for me it is just comforting that there are other people out their whether Aspie's or NT’s that are suffering from the same isuues that I am. And I would appreciate if you could maybe share some of your experiences and tips of how you have tried to cope with some of the issues that I have mentioned.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

<--- As a child, didn't play with toys - more like dissected them! Welcome to WP. You're among friends here. Also, from your description, you actually seem you'd score higher on the aspie quiz. Also, are you sure you don't have a girlfriend because of your habit of not washing your hair as opposed to just. autism? Just saying.

Welcome to WrongPlanet! I'm new here too starting today, and a lot of what you said are things I have struggled with in my past too. You're not alone by any means.

Welcome to WP.

Definitely- you sound like an aspie.

The stereotypes that all aspies are science and math geeks with no artistic bent is-just that- a stereotype. Its nonsense. There are many art and music people here on wp. Many aspies cant count, and are nothing like rainman.

Im from a family that has a line of scientists and another line of artists. I have some of both leanings.

I was ALOT like you as child. Kept to myself. Had no friends. And spent my time alone in my room drawing pictures. Nowadays my artistic impulses are vented in deejaying. I work as a party deejay occasionaly, and Im involved in radio in a modest way, and dont paint and draw like I used to. But I digress.

It might be worth it to you to get an official diagnosis.

Hi everyone, and thanks for making me feel welcome and taking the time to read and reply to my very long post.

I am actually trying to get a diagnosis and have been refered to a phyciatrist for cognitive behavioural therapy and because i was halucinating for 5-6 months. I am unsure how to bring the fact that i think i might have aspergers up during the appointment. Especially after the negative experience i had with my recent counsellor (she was great otherwise), who i expressed to that i thought i might have Aspergers. She was very dismissive of me having aspergers as I am educated and can be very articulate when I speak. I also can look quite composed and can also give eye contact for short bursts but it is very uncomfortable.

I tried to explain to her that it was all just a front and in my head i am a complete wreck. And that it has taken me to the age of 37 to get to this point through alot of trial and error and hardship and it is still unatural for me. In fact i am very different from I was young, and if i was tested in my teens then my AQ score would have been much higher, but i have learned how to conform and to pass myself off as a relatively normal human being to the outside world. But my family know me all to well and that i am not normal and wouldn't be surprised if i said i had aspergers.

To be honest, i relate more to aspies even though i haven't met any in person and think they are actually the normal ones and the rest of society is just weird andcrazy. With normal people walking around like crazed zombies and doing odd things like sitting in the park, restaurants, and jogging etc for no logical reason.

PS. redrobin62 Your right about not having a girlfriend because of my hair, that was just disgusting. Also i don't change my clothes which isn't very attractive either LOL.

Welcome to WP!
Aside from the fact that I'm 29 and lived my whole life in Eastern Canada, you sound like you are describing me. I'm at the point where I can safely say I am 100% sure I'm an Aspie (decided to try and get a dx but its a formality at most) so yes, it sounds like you're part of the AS club as well. This is literally the only message board where I feel I actually belong and not merely tolerated.

I can also relate to your second post. I have had severe depression but nobody would ever believe me because I always have a smile on my face. I guess I've learned to mask my sometimes overwhelming pain because quite frankly, very few people care. Unfortunately, proper diagnosis is unlikely because I have learned to put a mask on and 'act' NT but boy that mask is heavy and uncomfortable! You are right about NT's being the 'abnormal' ones in my view. Even as a child the behavior of humans seemed downright bizarre to say the last.

Look forward to hearing more from you!

Hi Raj74! Welcome to Wrong Planet! Check out the many interesting and helpful forums here. You do sound like you are on the Asperger's part of the Autism spectrum to me. The part about us not having empathy is false. We do have empathy, but don't always show it, and don't always pick up the cues on when it is called for, so this has led to a false perception of us not having it. Also, we are not all good at math. I am terrible at it, and many of us are artistic. So those are yet more misconceptions held by the norms. Many of us are educated and can speak well. I never went to college, but I am well read, and can maintain conversations well when I want to. Being Aspie, I often don't want to. I am terrible at eye contact. It stresses me out, but I do try, until I forget to do it. I can't remember to maintain eye contact very long while also trying to concentrate on the conversation. I have most of the issues you face. I am self diagnosed, but follow the rule of duck. If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck--it's a duck. Based on my research and online test results, I am an Aspie duck. My sister has some medical training and after coming across info on Asperger's, she contacted me and told me she thought I am an Aspie. By that time I had already found out on my own, and told her. So I have several points of proof that I am an Aspie without having had an official diagnosis. Since I am not seeking any gov or insurance help in paying for any treatment programs, I don't see the need to get one. It is enough that I now know why I am so different, and why I went through so much hell in my life. Knowing has brought me some relief.

If you want an official diagnosis I suggest you get a different psych doc. You need to find one with experience treating adults on the Autism/Asperger's spectrum. The one you are currently going to obviously does not have such experience, as she has the same ignorant stereotypes of us that the general population holds. Unfortunately, most psych docs are like her. That's why you should go to one with experience treating adults on the Autism spectrum.

Hope this helps, and remember, you are among friends here at WP!

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Empathy and Asperger's is one of those big half-truths, as noted already. We usually have plenty of good will and good intentions towards other people, and react strongly (sometimes too strongly) when we see suffering or other strong expressions of emotion. What we have difficulty with is understanding the world of hidden emotions and subtle social signals. So we care about other people, we just cannot tell what is bothering them or what they are feeling much of the time. Many of us cannot tell what we are feeling most of the time either (it is called "alexithymia"). I find it very difficult to guess other people's feelings, and I would usually answer the question "What are you feeling?" with "I don't know". That doesn't mean I don't care, it just means I don't know. It is a lack of knowledge, not a lack of caring. I really have a "social and emotional learning disorder", along with sensory processing disorder and executive dysfunction.

Thanks again for all your replies it has been very insightful. GiantHockeyFan it's kind of reassuring that you say were very alike as i haven't ever had that said to me before. I can also completely relate to the feeling of putting on a false front and mask when outside and it does become very uncomfortable and tiring, which is why i love being in my room all alone as i can just take the heavy mask of and relax.

Empathy and the problems Aspies have with it is the most confusing part for me and i appreciate everyone taking the time to try and explain the issue. I don't think i suffer from "alexithymia" as i can geuss other peoples feelings. I can also express the way I feel like to my counsellor but cannot express it to anyone else, which was one of the reasons why she dismissed that i had Aspergers. I am also unsure if this behaviour can be learnt, especially if you had alot of siblings around you, showing lots of emotions like crying , laughing, arguing etc so maybe i just picked it up and learnt it from them.

The main thing for me is that i'm slowly started to accept the way i am with all my strange quirks and habits. I would actually be happy if i was diagnosed as being an Aspie as they have alot of admirable quality's that i have and admire like honesty, integrety, being a perfectionist etc and their are worst and more destructive problems than just wanting to be left alone and spending time by yourself.

I also agree that 'If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck--it's a duck. Based on my research and online test results, I am an Aspie duck'. So maybe I should just embrace that I am an Aspie until proven otherwise by the so called educated proffesionals.

By the way, I would highly recommend seeing a psychologist (or psychiatrist) who specialises in autism spectrum disorders - at least for any diagnosis, but even for therapy if possible.

First, psychologists who do not have wide experience of Asperger's can miss the signs and make mistakes in diagnosis.

Second, therapy such as cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) has to be adjusted for people on the autism spectrum.

You might find this article interesting: it explains how Aspies can hide their symptoms, even from themselves, but pay a cost in high rates of stress and overload:

http://www.aspiestrategy.com/2012/05/hidden-autistics-aspergers-in-adults.html

If the therapist only knows the stereotypes, then they will jump to false conclusions.

Welcome to WP!

Welcome!

My daughter just been diagnosed on the spectrum at 16 years old. It's more about accepting yourself than a label though the label can be good for throwing at people who are too stupid to realise that we are all different and normal is only a setting on a washing machine.

Welcome to WP

Hi Raj74

I don't think you should compare any of us to yourself az there is an an also unacknodled golden ruul

'To thy ownself be true'

I am an aspy on my own
I have learnt a lot here and I try to contribute

BNut there is akways THAT
I would also like to quote Bruce Lee here :
'Absorb what is usefull and ignore the rest rest'

Also, have fun on WP and try to maken friends!