Maintaining relationships

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This one's quite a problem. I don't know how to maintain relationships. People are to me out of sight, out of mind. I hardly ever initiate a contact, write a message or e-mail, make a call, just for the company. It feels so absurd. I need some agenda or other damn good reason to call, otherwise I feel like a Jehovah's Witness who just knocked on somebody's door but forgot what did he want to say.

I'm usually glad for the company when people call, write or come over. I rarely leave a message unreplied. I can keep the smalltalk quite long, or even very long if there's an interesting topic. But I never come up with it myself. There is the world of people and world of things. And the world of things is equally interesting, but much more accessible. Meanwhile people go out, get social and then get even more social telling the stories of who they'd been out with, where, when, why and what were they doing there. Sure it's kind of pointless, but it doesn't seem to stop them. To initiate contact for whatever reason or no reason at all. That's a great ability. To know what the other one might be interested in, or just have so much in common that it turns out as well.

Obviously, I need to live for a cause that has regular scheduled meetings, most of which have some agenda, some specific things to do or discuss. I'd really love that. Specially if the sitting order is pre-set or so clear that even I know where to sit properly. I need someone to tell me what to do, because left to myself I only come up with solitary activities. Or worse, hobby-related activities.

Back to the topic, besides the empathic crystal ball in people's brains, people seem to have there also a little alarm clock that measures the time when to call other people or otherwise contact them. I don't have this ability, so I live in such a way that doesn't need other people. I forgot what are they exactly good for. I know, it's a self-reinforcing vicious circle.

Well, what is there to do? Should I e-mail all my friends explaining this condition? (rhetorical question) Or just some of them, so they shouldn't expect me to write and write by themselves instead? What kind of help is out there?
In the future, I just might join a (anti)political movement or some group and have their agenda that I deeply agree with as my social life. But that doesn't solve the basic problem, that there are people I know and I haven't a slightest idea how to maintain contact with them or why.

Maybe it can be imitated. I'd like to see a Social Story (TM) depicting a man or woman in daily life, with his or her thoughts and feelings related to staying in touch with other people or maintaining this social life. Stuff like "I haven't seen Barry for 4 days, which is quite a long time because he's classified as my friend from high school, therefore I want to call him, get to pub together, get drunk and make a small talk." Or alternatively, "my mom tends to get lonely after two weeks, so I should call her in that frequency. She tends to worry about me for no reason, she is curious about what I do, though not about the details and also wants to share what she was doing all this time." Or recently I was told something like this, "It hurts grandma's feelings if you walk by her house without slowing down and looking into her windows if she's there." And ideally, "here is the list of things that often happen in people's lives, that they might want to share, which is a reason to contact them and casually ask these questions, that allow them to talk about these things. Also, these are times when it's appropriate to come over or to get out somewhere together." Specially something that works for young adults and such society of peers, not just family.

Well, I intend to move into a big city and visit an autism/Asperger help organization that is supposed to answer such questions in a constructive way, but that is still months away. And writing it down helps me to clear my thoughts and see what I didn't see before.

Fortunately for me, my wife reminds me to call my folks; I'm really bad about even getting the occasional text to someone out of sight.

I don't care to think that somehow, my presence in the lives of others defines my reason for existing, but I think somehow it does. And I am not there.

I found once I had been diagnosed and shared my difficulties with the few almost friends I had made that they stopped being my friend. I don't think anyone wants to admit it, but they don't want to keep on with someone who will never appear to care.

So the strategy that seems to work for my mom is scheduling time with friends to make it seem as if it's spontaneous. She schedules erratic meetings with friends so they think they're being thought of. In my mom's mind what's happening is she is systematically keeping in touch with people, some of which span several decades for knowing her. She always sends you a card for your birthday and any other significant event. It's weird how my parents have adapted.... imagine... adopted by Aspie parents, then finding out you also have it, and that's why your unique relationship is rewarding and complexly challenging....

I feel like I'm living a movie.

Why don't you create a film about it?

Something along the lines of "We are not so different, despite our heritage"

Clouldet, most people "miss" other people when they haven't seen them in a long time. Similar to a feeling of nostalgia for a childhood memory like waking up for Christmas, but not as strong. Usually for me the feeling is there, but I can't attach it to a person so I don't think of calling them.

Maintaining relationships is a 2 way streak. You need initiation and to take some risks in addition to what you're already doing. I also notice you're not sure what to initiate. Ask people for ideas if you're not sure. Or come up with topics in the back of your mind from doing an Internet search randomly beforehand, but try to keep it appropriate or within the context of your situation if you can. For instance, if you're going to play a basketball game, you might not want to talk to some jock who only likes sports about how chess is the best thing in the world, unless of course, you can find a way to make it humorous in a natural sort of a way. . .

OK, it seems to me that I don't miss people the right way I should. When I travel somewhere else, like settling at a dorm to study in another city, I miss my family strongly. But I suppose I miss them as a part of familiar surroundings, not exactly for themselves.

The bigger problem is, I can't imagine other people missing me. As far as I can imagine, they don't miss me. They say they do, but I have no idea when, why and how much, so it doesn't feel real. I totally prefer some formal opportunity to bring us together.
That must be this mindblindness that Asperger's and autism materials talk about so much.
Damn, I feel broken

The truth is, I'm kind of fascinated by the idea of how other people perceive ourselves. Neurotypicals maybe have some idea, but I don't. I'd love to find some articles or even psychologic group games that deal with this. I'll ask in an Autism support group when I get to it some day. OTOH, I'd love to have an influential public job in politics (I study public administration). This would allow me to receive lots of media attention. I don't crave fame or attention, but I'd love some feedback on my person and reading in newspapers about me would totally fulfill this need. It would both show me my blind spot (external worldly persona) and would give me insight into how these journalists (and people in general) think and form their opinions.
Plus of course I consider myself a responsible and enlightened public administrator, I wouldn't go for such a job just for my psychologic needs.

Cloudlet, you described exactly how things seem to go for me: I literally forget to miss people.

It's all I can do to arrange to send gifts to specific people around Thanksgiving time. I think I mean well when I do it, and I believe that I have feelings of regard for the recipients as I'm arranging the gifts. But since it happens on a schedule, as it were, it feels so artificial sometimes when I think about it. As you have described, I don't seem to have a "friend timer" either.

On the other hand, I don't crave regular attention from those who are friends. Having moved partway around the world I'm some ways away from those folks. Yet if a close friend contacts me and urgently needs some help, I'll arrange time off from work then be on the next available flight.

I guess I've "filtered" through people who are close friends to those who don't take it personally when they don't hear from me for a year or so at a time. It wouldn't seem fair for me to enter the life of another person who does need more-frequent attention.

I don't know if many NTs need to imagine other people missing them in order to contact them, usually the feeling is enough.

Our biggest problem is often not that we don't miss people, it's that we don't register that feeling with the correct action - picking up the phone and arranging a meetup. Instead, we may have a general feeling of loneliness or have fleeting nostalgia for an individual, only to go back to whatever we are currently doing.

I don't usually initiate emails or phone calls. If I am bored I'll text someone but other than that its the same for me.