Aspie mom with aspie son,anybody else know how I feel?

Post Reply New Topic

New to this site and wondering how many others there are here who wanted to check two boxes on the profile. I found out I have AS because concerns about my son's behavior led me to read up on it and of course there I was. Some days I am feeling a little overwhelmed. He's 3 by the way and at a real tantrum-throwing age. I adore him and understand alot of what he is dealing with but some days I wish I had infinite patience.

Yes - My son has HFA though and not AS. He used to have alot of meltdowns when he was little and had severe language issues but it has gotten better since his speech has improved. He just had a little meltdown awhile ago but gets over them much more quickly. I think others have wondered too about the need for another option in the profile since there are many parents and kids on the spectrum.

I have AS. My 12 year old daughter has it. My 3 year old son does not.

There are days when my son's behavior is overwhelming.

There are days when my daughter pulls me through and days when I pull her through.

I dread the days when she and I are both down because we end up crying and being mad at each other. Meanwhile my son is yelling at both of us to stop crying and play with him.

Best thing I can recommend is to remove yourself and your son from the situation that's irritating you both. Make sure you've eaten something healthy and see if he's up to going for a walk - point out things that you find interesting. Talk as you walk. He will find something interesting too and renew your thoughts on what is seen through a childs eyes. If walking is not a good fit, do something that comforts him (not to give in to his tantrum) but to give yourself some time to get your patience level back to where you can deal again. It helps me sometimes to be able to count the minutes to where I can get myself alone and regenerate.

Does he have a favorite movie, tv show, something that he watches on video? Does he like baths or coloring or playing with cars? If you really can't manage the patience issue, it's ok to give him something to do that he likes.

People outside the spectrum seem to think it's a bad thing to get a kid to calm down by giving him what he wants, but it's better than both of you screaming and being in tears. Believe it or not, even a 3 year old is capable of basic reasoning.

Example: While driving this morning, my son was screaming because he wanted to go to Taco Bell. Where I live, Taco Bell does not serve breakfast. I explained to him that grandma was making him breakfast today and I would get him Taco Bell for dinner. I had to analyze what his needs were (hunger) replace what he wanted with a different solution (breakfast at grandmas) and offer a compromise (dinner at Taco Bell.) The worst thing you can do is lie to a child. I had to have the capacity to fulfill all of my promises or he will lose faith in my ability to a) not lie to him b) provide for his needs. Meanwhile, I distracted him with a matchbox car that I keep stashed in my glove box for times when he really can't be consoled otherwise. As soon as we got to grandma's house, he asked for pancakes because when he folds them, they remind him of the tacos we will have for dinner.

Tantrums usually stem from some need the child has and they don't quite know how to express it. At least that's what I've seen in my own kids.

I'm on the Spectrum, somewhere between HFA and AS and adopted a little boy with PDD-NOS, where is how I heard about HFA and saw myself. Duh, no wonder I had such a hard time functioning in life. To make my own life harder, I adopted four kids and gave birth to one. I'm really good with kids, better than with adults, although I get along really well with my grown kids. I think my one bio. son may also be on the Spectrum as a high functioning Aspie. My 13 year old with PDD-NOS is my easiest child. Although he used to act out, he's very good-natured and even-tempered now, and by far the easiest child I've ever raised. Plus I understand him.

I'm a single mother with AS raising a 10 year old son with AS. To be honest, it is bloody hard and a lot of times all I want to do is to escape. I am the type who hates touch, hates being smothered, and I can't stand people whining - and he does not believe in personal space and has to know everything!! I find it extremely tiring raising him as well as working full time, but that is just he way it has to be.

However saying that, he is an amazing person to know. He has a very mature and great sense of humour, and we laugh a lot together (when I'm not in an irritable mood that is!). I worry about his future - I have a good work ethic and I love education in all its forms, but he can be extremely lazy and it is of concern. It is also frustrating too as he has a beautiful singing voice and can act his way out of a paper bag but is not interested in drama or music. We have had a tough year this year due to the fact that he has a teacher who cannot handle him, so he is only going to school in the mornings, and coming home just after recess - it has really put a strain on me as it affects my sleep (I work night shift). I pray that next year will be better for the pair of us.

Snapdragon, I found that the ages of 3 to 6 were the worst for my son - the tantrums, the bedwetting, the delay in toilet training (number 2's - NEVER want to go through that again!!), and he wasn't diagnosed until he was eight! We have been stuffed around by various so calle professionals and still are in a lot of ways. My son isn't on meds as yet (my choice), but he may be ADHD as well so he might have to be because the behaviour therapy I am spending so much money on isn't really getting him very far (in his words he told me it won't work because he isn't interested - which makes me want to tear my hair out!). I am in tears constantly and my son picks up on this and blames himself - it is a very sad merry-go-round.

But all aspies are different...you may not experience anything like this, and apparently early intervention does help. I wish you all the best.

Jus

If the behaviour therapy isn't working it would be better to drop it and spend the money on an activity you and your son would enjoy doing. If he's not interested, there's no use in forcing him. It will only make both of you more frustrated. If you have to work all the extra hours to pay for the therapy and you drop it, then you would wouldn't be so tired and irritable.

Your son might not really be lazy. I have AS myself and have at times been accused of being lazy. Sometimes it is just due to tiredness because it takes more energy for us to process incoming information than most. Plus, I am not ambitious for money, possessions or high promotions. I work very hard when interested in something but don't see anything to be gained on doing more than the minimum required when it is boring or a waste of time.

It's never wise to judge Aspies by the same yardstick as you would yourself. We have different priorities in life and different ways of seeing thngs. If people back off on the pressure, your son might get interested in drama or singing or the like. It's good to know that he has the talent. He might never be famous but as long as he can do these things for his own enjoyment, it can't be all bad.

I wouldn't have liked to have a kid who was still pooping their pants a lot when they were past the toddler stage. For some reason, little boys seem to be slower to train than little girls. I was told it was because of their anatomical differences and that little girls have better control. This could just be a theory though.

Yes...my son is AS/ HFA (he didn't talk till he was 5-6) and I definitely have plenty of traits myself. The hardest for me is dealing with my VERY talkative NT daughter... I actually have a hand signal for "I can't talk" if I can't reply to her. Needless to say this makes me feel like dirt to have to have something like this. I also have a terrible time teaching them to do hands on things, like cooking or sewing, because it is awful for me to have to work in a group or as a team. I also have a strong need for privacy and quiet.

But overall I think I am more empathetic to them than a typical parent (maybe?) because my life has been so painful up to this point, and, I can completely understand what my son is going through, how he is feeling, how his mind works.

Another daughter has "shadow" traits and another daughter has strong traits but is too young to be evaluated.

i know the feeling what you are going throught but living with my son for 7 years and 1 year in january dis with aspie i know its hard to get throught it but with good help things will get better

Pandora, in response to your response of mine (sorry it took a while but have been so busy)..

The behaviour therapy was working slowly initially but my son is over it at the moment. He has been going to weekly sessions this year, but will cut back to fortnightly sessions next year. He tells me it is a waste of time, but it could be bravado on his part, and maybe just maybe something is filtering through - and I feel if I give up on that I have given up on him.

The main reason why I am tired and irritable is due to the fact that my son's teacher cannot handle him for any more than two hours in the mornings. My sleep is interrupted three times per day, and my work is an hour's drive from my house, so at times I am like a walking zombie. I could not take on a day shift job because I have to be available to the school in case I am needed (well I am needed to pick him up early on a daily basis). I have the option of going on a single parent's pension, which I did last year and the year before, but I used that time to gain myself I.T. qualifications so that I could better myself financially, which is what has since happened. A pension to me is now the last resort - been there done that - never had any money for anything - could not afford the occupational therapy/psychologist fees! My not working, therefore giving up my livelihood, is not an option! Walking zombie is my way of life these days (bring on the school holidays so that I can have uninterrupted sleep at last woohoo!!).

My son is the laziest person on this planet, he admits that himself. When he is forced to get into the shower, he can't even be bothered taking off his clothes, to get him to move is a constant battle, unless it is something he wants to do. If he hears a lolly wrapper being opened three rooms away he is in like a gun out of a shot! Although to be honest, he and I are very alike in that respect

I have learned not to have high ambitions for my son, as I had to live with a mother who had high ambitions for me because I showed great promise in musicianship. When that did not eventuate, it took a long time for her to forgive me, but that was all before we knew about AS. I always felt like a failure in the eyes of my mother, and I vowed I would never do that to my own child. My son I feel could be a success at anything he wants to, but he needs encouragement because he can't believe he is good at anything at all, apart from computer games, because he has low self esteem. I would love him to join a local drama group for his own enjoyment, he does acts for us at home all the time and can mimic voices quite well too. He won't join the school choir or drama group, because he is terrified that his school "gang" will tease him, which is where he and I are different because when I was at school, I couldn't care less about what others thought of me but I know kids can be so cruel.

I worry that there is no male influence in his life, no male for him to look up to. We have no extended family, my family consists of three people only. There is no one I trust to leave him with, apart from my mother, to give both he and I a break from each other (and at times we need that!). I have been brought up to keep our problems within the family rather than letting outsiders get involved. I often feel that my son would be better raised by an NT parent than myself, which is a pretty sad statement to make. Now I feel like I am raving on, I have had only two hours sleep but I have to stay awake to pick my son up from school ten minutes from now. Then he will expect me to stay up and play with him, which I will for a while but all I want to do is sleep!!

All this coming from a positive, upbeat person!! That's how I am perceived from the outside anyways!! Pretending to be normal

Jus

When i encountered AS (i was reading about autism bcs someone told me our son could have autistic characteristics) this summer, it explained my life and our difficulties with our son for the first time.
He's ten now, and still has meltdowns regularly.
It started when he was about 6 years old (before he was a very shy and a silent boy, even quite afraid of everything) being bullied by other kids (several older kids were beating him behind the garbage cans regularly). I found out when his sister was ill and stayed home (they were in the same classroom , 6 years in one) he didn't want to go to school "what are they going to do with me?" he said. I talked with the teacher/headmaster and she wouldn't believe it, later she did. it never got really solved although the beating more or less stopped.

I thought it was a school-issue and we changed school, although he still got bullied several times, and he still had meltdowns (at home), the school is quite organised and they try to avoid exclusion (not only for my son but in general).

This year my son has got trouble with adults , refusing doing things which upsets the adults a lot. (including me and my nt husband even more)

This week I have seen the teacher (who had written a note that he had never seen a child disobey like my son had in the 30 years he was teaching) and I told him about AS and he was really listening and supportive (i hadn't mentioned AS before bcs I was still doubting whether it would be a good idea to talk about it)

Now I understand why it was so hard being a mother (especially when they were litlle), why I had such a different approach to raise our children (and especially our son) and why we always said we(my son and I) were so much alike.

Communication with the four of us (we have a daughter too) is much better, now we know,
we can understand each other finally.
The difficulties often stem from the completely different views we have and the fact we sometimes are like two teams (father-daughter(nt and gifted, i'd almost say that makes the nt'ness double) versus mother-son (AS) ) . But very often this is also really enjoyable.

We are still learning everyday, all four of us, and we are a strange and nice bunch of people together.

My husband and son are both aspies. I cannot leave them alone together for 10 mins - they are so alike but don't see it and get on each other's last nerve in an instant. Within moments one feels the other one said something with the wrong attitude and the name calling starts (from both sides, so irritating).

I'm NT but have social issues, social anxieties, etc. We also have an uber-NT dd. She gets along well with DH but not with DS at all. DS and I get along great. It is a difficult household to manage at times. I get so bone-tired I can't take another minute, but I have to keep on - to be there for my son, to referee, and to help them all see each other in a better light from time to time. I feel invisible alot - I'm just there to "fix it" when it breaks. I need a break.

mummadisaster, I have two sons who are now 22 and 17 years of age. The oldest has AS the youngest is NT like me. When my AS son was a child we had no clue AS exsited. I thought he was the worlds most exhausting and trying child, at least you know why your son behaves the way he does and that helps more then you know. Trust me no NT parent could do a better job then your doing, by the sound of it you are like supermom at this point. Raising a child with AS is difficult in the best of circumstances so don't get down on yourself. My sons are 5 years apart because I knew I could not handle another child in the house before my oldest went to school, he took every ounce of my strength, energy and patience, and I did not have a job outside the home nor was I the only parent and I had days I wanted to hide in my closet and just cry because I was soooooo frustrated. So be good to yourself and if no one else does it, give yourself a pat on the back and tell yourself your doing a good job, you deserve it.

Mummadisaster, I know it feels like you're giving up on your son if you give up the therapy but it's no use running yourself ragged to make the money for it. He'd surely be happier without the therapy and it would be less pressure on you.

If he has speech problems, I can the reason for speech therapy but otherwise it doesn't seem to be making much difference to your son from what you're saying. I'm sure you're doing the very best you can for him so you need to be kind to yourself. It would be a challenge for an NT parent, even more so for a parent with AS themselves.

I don't think teachers have anywhere near enough training to be able to deal with AS children.

Wow, I feel I have hijacked this thread but just wish to add further comment...

Hi Pandora, thank you for your words. I don't have a lot of choice about the job at this stage - I am not able to work a day shift job nor do I wish to go back to receiving benefits from the government.. in a lot of ways the job is an escape for me, I am on a very good salary and don't want to lose it after all the study I have done previously in order to get such a job. If my son was attending school the same hours as the other children at that school (like he should), then I would have no problems whatsoever. The occupational therapy is mainly to do with behavioural/anger management, thankfully he has no problems with speech nor does he have any learning difficulties. I have to agree with you about your teacher comment - it is so true, in my case anyway. My son has only had one teacher who understood and had experience with teaching AS/gifted children; it was the only year that was smooth sailing for him (he was in year one).

Chrisesmom, thank you too for your words - I believe any mother of an aspie has to be a supermum/mom - although I never consider myself as such, however one of my favourite phrases to my son is that "to raise you I must have the patience of a saint"! ! I understand and live your frustration, I know I am fortunate to have a job where I can escape, but sometimes I wish I had more escape time hehe!! I must ask you - how did your AS son handle puberty? It is the one thing I am dreading. Like en_una_isla I have a strong need for privacy and quiet time, I am hoping my son will too as he gets older so that we can both have peace!!

I have actually had to make a decision which has been very difficult for me but have had so many second opinions about this one that it can no longer be avoided. He will be trialling some SSRI meds in the new year - I've been fighting this outcome for over two years - but it is apparent that no behavioural therapy is going to change/alleviate his anxiety, which is the cause for his terrible behaviour at times. I have been rather down about it over the last month or so, I am terrified of what will become of him when he is on meds. I guess in a lot of ways I am more fortunate than him because I never suffered from real anxiety even though I am an aspie as well. It's going to be so difficult as I am suffering from guilt, although logically I know I have done everything I can for him to the best of my ability. But anyways, I have to trust that it will be OK.

Take care,
Jus

SSRI's might help your son but there is a newer type of medication, SNRI's, which seem a bit safer. I have taken Efexor for about 7 years and found it a lot of help with severe anxiety symptoms. It also helps somewhat with the depression that is co-morbid with Asperger's in my case.

Unfortunately, I still have a bad meltdown maybe once a year and milder ones every couple of months (almost always coinciding with PMS). It is usually when my coping mechanisms finally become overwhelmed by too much noise, too many decisions to make, too many times not being listened to when I bring up concerns.

As a child, I had very few meltdowns but I do think school is much more pressured for children these days so maybe things could have been different in a different setting.

Anyway, I hope the medication will help calm your son down a little bit. This will have multiplier effects upon him and you. But if you get the chance, it would be a really good idea to read up about SNRI's such as Efexor.

I'ts like floating on a spacecraft known to sooner or later will have a crash. I have two kids with extreme allergies to food requiring a shot in the leg with adrenaline and some other medications afterwards whilst calling "911" ("112" in EU) and spend at least 48 hours in emergency care. They are so used to be in intensive care they can tell where to find the VHS movies for the intensive care personell.

Both have medication in form of concerta, for their ADHD with tics both vocal and bodily, but also asthma and food allergy. Concerta is dimetylamphenidate, amphetamine, Asperger and speech impairments and a lot of others that i actually don't mind because if the didn't have it they wouldn't be THEY and I love them. And ther mother. I just love the mother of my children in a different way.

Me and my ex, mother to my three children, geographicaly separated since almost a year ago (almost a stone throw between the house and my apartment) because we simply had to do it for the kids, and I had my own problems (not that I don't care for the kids) with alcohol (I'm a sober alcoholist).

Meltdown source this weekend:
When I have the kids, candy rules is absolute. Only on saturdays. My mid son coped with it without a problem because he knows he's having fruit to eat satisfying some of his sugar longing, whilst my youngest 6y got a meltdown. Because the kids mother said that they'd get money on the FRIDAY to buy candy on SATURDAY. That caused havoc, because they had money on friday, so they would get candy on friday. Saturday word never went in.

This is something that I have to have in minds, that every possible situation can go wrong because of me not formulating the words right. It also has a fatiguing effect on my ex, because she's dyslectic with a slight problem in formulation of language. It's quite fatiguing to have two kids with exact formulation of scentenses where you have to exactly read the words, looking for backdoors.

I've been relieved with a quite strange mix of medications to be able to actually function myself. Since I have alcohol problems I dont want benzodiazepames, even though my doctors tried to subscribe me on that for several years. I don't accept it. I've been on places where people try to get the benzo out of the body and I can for sure tell you that it's worse than a alcohol detoxication since it is taking several months.

I'm of course having constant contact with my childrens mother since it's of utmost importance for all of us, handicapped or disturbed citizens of the world we are, to have very precisely stated rules.

I had the kids Fri-Sat. Saturday, after my oldest going nuts on her brothers and having a cold, she got picked up by her mother. Later my two youngest I kept as long as possible because it was a Concerta free day scheduled so they'd get some appetite, I have rooms still not sanitized from the potato chips they managed to have a dancing party on. Normaly they have to clean the room (of course with some guidance from me) but this weekend I just felt I WANT TO SLEEP. I felt sad for my 11y daughter who's having some other diagnoses that she was confined to my three rooms, when her mother has 8 rooms with space for each one of them to lock theirselves in.