Question about Eye Contact - from a NT

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I know that many Aspies are uncomfortable with eye contact. If I find myself taking to an Aspie, should I:

- look him in the eyes and talk to him as I would any other NT? OR
- look off to the side frequently in order to lessen the intense pressure of eye contact? OR
- something else? (please explain)

For Aspies that are uncomfortable with eye contact, do you find that the discomfort is worse if the person you are talking to is an authority figure - for example, a teacher, boss or police officer?

What is it, exactly, that makes it difficult to maintain eye contact? Is it a general feeling of intense discomfort? Or something else?

Good questions

Well, I'm sure it will differ from aspie to aspie, just like everything else about us. Generally, based on my experience and feelings on the matter, when we are talking, I would look at us, though not at our eyes, just give some indication that you're listening and haven't gotten bored yet. When you're talking, same thing, you can look at us, our face, hands, etc, but don't take it personally if we're not looking at you; rest assured we are still listening. If the aspie you're talking to doesn't have a problem with eye contact, obviously treat that aspect of him as you would an NT, and reciprocate.

As far as my own eye contact goes, my primary problem with it is one of concentration. Looking into someone's eyes makes me lose my train of thought and forget what I'm saying, or it makes me unable to pay attention to what the other person is saying because it kind of feels like I'm staring into their soul or something and its dreadfully distracting. Making eye contact with strangers or authority figures is more intimidating than with ordinary people or people I know well, so my avoidance in those instances has to do as much with discomfort in the situation as it does with my inability to concentrate on what's being said. Hope I helped, thanks for taking the time to learn more about us; not many people do I've found.

I don't feel uncomfortable making eye contact. I don't feel any negative emotions from it. It's just not the most natural behavior for me, as it is for NTs, so I learned to do it later, and I don't do it automatically. I have to consciously remember to make eye contact, or my eyes will go somewhere else and not come back to the other person's face or eyes for awhile. I usually make eye contact with people I know and am talking to about an interesting topic, and I usually don't bother with people I don't know and am interacting with for uninteresting reasons, like the cashier at Walmart or IN-N-OUT. At IN-N-OUT, there was once a hot guy with whom I wanted to make eye contact when he gave me my food, but I forgot, ooops.

Look at us, but not IN our eyes. Try to look at our nose, forehead, roam your gaze around our face or sit beside us so the eye contact is brief and each person can look away when it's uncomfortable. People have told me it's hard to look me in the eyes because of the intensity of my gaze, so I do find others' looking away from me often. I try to notice this and soften my gaze but who knows if it's successful.

The discomfort is the worst when there is emotion in the eyes, for me. If someone is angry, but not at me, and looks at me with that anger in their eyes that's uncomfortable, for example.

I agree with Star Trek. I don't like too much eye contact myself, but I don't mind people looking at me, just don't glare into my eyes. It seems very threatening to me when people do that.

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Don't think about it.
Just talk and act normal for you.

The hardest part:
Mostly just remember that if they say or do anything that seems a bit odd they don't mean any harm, quite the opposite usually.

(Aspies are generally not at all subtle. If they DO mean harm, it's generally very very clear.)

Well I don't really like to look people in the eyes unless I really know them well. Though I do do it if I need to be polite, or for some time when I have to. But I don't really care if others do it - it does show they are interested in talking to me

It'd be bliss if people just looked me in the eye or not as they please and however it feels comfortable to them, and let me do the same without criticizing / ostracizing me!

I'd say just act naturally and don't make a big deal (don't bring it up) if they don't make eye contact. I don't mind if someone's looking at me while talking. I just tend to look at something else and glance at their mouth or nose from time to time to let them know I'm listening.

I dont like eye contact for very long
its distracting....and I get lost trying to think how long I should maintain this gaze. Too long people think I am either weird or creepy, too short and people think I am not listening or that I am guilty of something. To me it is confusing so I usually look at a person's mouth or nose or between their eyes.

My advice to you is that each of us are different. If you are talking to an aspie and he/she maintains eye contact well then reciprocate, but if said person is not making eye contact well or at all, then my advice is to look at their nose or between the eyes. I also love the suggestion an above poster said about standing/sitting to the side of who you are talking to instead of facing that person. That is much easier.

We often say here, when you met one person with autism, you met just one person with autism. Meaning we are all very different in alot of ways.

Good luck!

Jojo

I am very uncomfortable with eye contact and have a bad habit of staring at lips. I also seem to have problems processing speech when spoken to, especially with background activity and thus looking at peoples mouths helps me "hear" better. I do not mind being looked at generally, but because I cannot understand what the "look" means within the conversation what messages I am missing, I do not like to include it. I think personally for me I would rather be talked to as they wish to talk to me as long as the person is understanding when I seem to wonder, it does not mean they lost my attention.

Make eye contact AND look off to the side frequently while you're the one speaking. In mid sentence, sort of turn away while maintaining the conversation, and then look back to make it clear you're not being dismissive.

When the aspie is talking make eye contact some times, and look at him generally but not directly otherwise. Don't look away while he's the one speaking, and don't stare him down the whole time he speaks either. Look at him, but not eye contact the whole time.

Do as you would normally.
No reason for you to try to change what comes natural to you, just don't be offended if the other person struggles to maintain eye contact, looks down, looks around the room, etc. as they are still listening and don't mean to be rude. Nothing worse than being told-off by an NT for being 'rude' because you can't behave like an NT - it's not about either 'side' having to change, it's about both 'sides' accepting and making adjustments when necessary to accommodate each other - remember you trying to stop eye contact is like us trying to force eye contact, neither 'side' has to change we just have to accept our differences and difficulties.

If the person seems particularly uncomfortable with eye contact just don't force it, try to do as we do - focus eye contact on something else if possible such as something front of you, or focus on using your hands and expressions so allowing your eyes to look elsewhere.

I personally don't feel more uncomfortable maintaining eye contact with a person of authority - it may be for some, because it's more about comfort levels with that person...some people are easier to interact with socially, some seem to give off bad vibes that can make our own social interaction with them a little more tricky and for whatever reason some AS/ASD people may (like some NT people) may have problems with authority. It depends on the situation too, a friendly chat with a police officer may be fine, but if the police officer is questioning you about something you've done wrong it's a different matter - also bear in mind we can be effected by the environment (if we feel comfortable, and if we're being distracted by sensory issues) and if we're having a 'bad day'.

As for WHY eye contact is a problem.
Speaking for myself, eye contact is uncomfortable because it's not natural for us - for NT's eye contact is so normal you don't think about it, where as for us it isn't natural so we simply don't understand it...we can try to maintain eye contact knowing that it's what we're 'supposed' to do, but as we don't understand it we don't know how to do it in a correct and natural manner. We are constantly aware of our eye contact and unsure of how much eye contact should be maintained in any given situation or at any given second. Eye contact is complex and a HUGE aspect of social interaction, the slightest split second too long/short or at the wrong time can have HUGE effects on how the other person thinks, feels and interacts with you. We can mimic NT behaviour, but we're not NT's so it can come across as abnormal and people don't react well to that - thus eye contact is a huge pressure, so no fun.

Then there is just general discomfort; imagine if someone was to maintain eye contact with you for too long, as an NT that prolonged eye contact will be uncomfortable and put you on edge because you don't know why the eye contact is prolonged like that...socially it may mean the other person is threatening or displeased with you. Any eye contact for us is potentially 'too long' and as we cannot judge what the eye contact from the other person means or what we're 'saying' back to that person with our eye contact it's uncomfortable.

It depends on the individual. If I'm meeting someone on the spectrum for the first time, I'll try to establish it with them normally to assess whether they are comfortable with it or not. If I notice they aren't comfortable, I'll simply look towards their face (usually at their mouth), and for those who can tolerate it in short bursts, I'll try to mimic the way they do it.

I am personally fine with eye contact, but it doesn't mean that I should force it on people who aren't as fine with it. I don't ever force it on anyone or make implications about it (I always assume they are listening, even if they are not giving me the verbal and non-verbal cues to indicate they are doing so).