concerns or just acceptance

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My little girl is 2 years 8 months now, we've always had little feelings about Aspergers and I recognise behaviours in her that I have being an Aspie myself.
I'm a trained nursery nurse and I know all about positive parenting and developing a childs self esteem, my daughter is not 'difficult' or 'obtrusive' but in one sense, in just the words themselves, it's a simple way to explain certain behaviours over the years, she was a 'difficult' baby, she wouldn't even let me hold her in certain ways, she would cry all the time and had rigid routines she created out of her own very need for things to be the same even back then.
She's a beautiful and intelligent child and is delightful to many people to meet her, as well as this she is almost obsessive with things, she loves baby dolls and has to have a particular one all the time, if we've left without it she will scream and scream, she has a good level of understanding and we have always got down to her level and explained things in a way that she can understand but, like the other day, once we'd left that house and she realised she didn't have it she screamed and cried all the way, not a tantrum but down right absolute emotional PAIN, she was upset about everything after that and became more clingy and 'difficult' to care for until we got home and got baby and even after that she continued to struggle all day.
As a baby she would cry such a loud cry, other mums with baby's in a group would literally look at her in surprise and wonder why she sounded like that, I couldn't console her, there was nothing I could do and sometimes only my husband rocking her in the same spot in our lounge would stop her.
She would only fall asleep in her cot at the time, never in my arms, it had to be her bed, no where else, if you laid her down anywhere else she would cry. One journey home she cried for nearly an hour, she would not give up, it was wrong for her and she couldn't ignore it. i breastfed her for about 2.5 years.

Now we see a paed for Aspergers, I don't know why as she's always been too young to have it diagnosed but recently as she's got a little older I'm noticing more and more.
She's so independent and has to play in a certain way, if I put baby in the pushchair my daughter will spend so long getting frustrated and angry because the legs aren't right or something is wrong, not a big thing but physically even a tiny difference she just cant cope with, at night she spends ages covering her baby's up and her teddys, she has to have her duvet even in summer when her room is boiling and i know its because although she'll get hot she NEEDS that duvet because its the same one she always has, if she doesn't she cannot let it go, she has to have a certain red t shirt (her comfort object) but only really at night now, she has to lay a certain way and have everything the same every day, sometimes i just think things are typical toddler behavior but shes never been a typical toddler, shes so far ahead and some things are just too intricate.
She's fussy with food, some of her words that were fine before are changing and sometimes I cant tell if she has said 'yes' or 'no', she seems to be able to say both at the same time now and it isn't something she is doing on purpose to push boundaries, her speech has always been ahead but it's like some words get disjointed or mixed together with another word, but i wouldn't say her speech is a problem, physically things were typical although clumsy, she does make eye contact but she doesn't look up much to do it, and sometimes she makes almost intense eye contact when she is in her talking mood, she will look so intensely at your eyes and i see her eyes flit between one of my eyes or the other, this is what i do as for me i don't know where you are supposed to look i don't make much eye contact if i don't need to but i find myself looking at one eye if i do.
She has started humming recently, just a continuous hum and walks on her tip toes sometimes, she does interact with a little friend she has, she likes her and sometimes asks for her, she seems very ahead and when she talks to her she talks to her like she talks to her baby dolls, she talks like mummy does, you know the higher pitched voice: "do you want a drink, hmmm" (the higher pitched 'hmm' at the end) but she does play alongside her which is parallel play typical of her age
If she does become so inconsolable because some little thing is wrong she flaps her arms and becomes so upset.
It's so hard and sometimes when she almost seems like she has OCD about her bed for example I just stand there with no idea how to help her, I know how it feels and I know I have to let her organise it until it feels right.
Things dont apply to her either, where as her little friend is pushing boundaries and just wants to keep mum standing round before she goes to sleep, lily will literally NEED to organise or do something, its different, i think she would explode with frustration and pain, shes bitten herself before and hit herself but this isn't typical, this has been when shes incredibly distressed and angry.

We both know she is 'different' and i can recognise her behaviors in myself, i don't really know how i feel other than wanting to see what others think, i dont mind and i want to push for help and support for her if its needed, she may be perfectly fine without extra support, i wont let her childhood be like mine where no one understands and just thinks shes difficult, i wont let anyone label her in the sense that they treat her differently unless a difference is needed, but I just want to know, or talk it over or something you know.

Anyway thank you for reading my essay if you did, i appreciate what you think, my daughter isnt a purposely difficult child, she doesn't have behavioral problems and id say we've handled behaviour management in a child friendly and positive way since the start, but she can be so hard to look after sometimes when she gets rigid about something, but shes a very intelligent girl and can talk about things in ways beyond her age. I hate it when people say "is she good?" of course she is good, no child is bad, they should ask "are you good?" because the parent is the one that can cause problems, the child isn't born to be difficult or bad. Adults have their bad days, so do children, children are told to apologise, well so should adults, if I've raised my voice because I'm tired and frustrated I apologise.

Sometimes it's so borderline I just dont know if she has Aspergers or not

It's always so hard to tell what is developmentally appropriate but "quirky" and what is something in need of intervention and support, especially with toddlers. I'd say you are on the right track, keep up with the paed visits and see what they say she needs in terms of therapy.

For very young children, the intervention that seems to be the most important (from what I've gathered here) is making sure they have appropriate speech. There are lots of good therapies for building social skills and social communication that I'm sure your doctor will recommend as they are needed.

I'm with momsparky. Keep open to what is new and available, and to what your child's different conditions or issues might be. She is still very young!

I have, at times, been amazed at the opportunities given to my son through various therapies or classes. Some are things that I so wish I had had! Sure, I got by, but what if I'd had the help he has? There can be some really good opportunities for truly helping a child reach their best self with the happiest possible life.

More than anything, of course, she just needs you to keep doing what you've been doing, following her leads and loving her.

Thank you both, you're right and I will continue trying to help her and getting help where needed if needed, I won't push a label on her unless I am certain of Aspergers but until then I will just watch and wait and be her Mum, but I will push for a label if it fits so that she can get support and has a name for it so she doesnt grow up like I did feeling so left out and confused about friendships.

Yesterday she had a meltdown, I knew it wasnt a tantrum as I cant reason with her, she has no awareness or care for her safety and has even bitten herself before, I know she needs time to just let it all out so when we got home I just sat there with her and let her, she eventually calmed down and then wanted a cuddle and was tired, usually if she wants something and I've said no I can reason with her and she's very good at understanding and waiting but this was extreme and it was purely because she couldnt spend ages getting her toy perfectly straight in the pushchair, she desperately had to have it perfect but we were going down stairs in a shop and I just picked her up and took her down, I know that feeling of not being able to have something exactly right,, not a want but a need, and also that particular shop sets off my sensory overload system; i feel uncomfortable almost physical pain, head achy, it smells funny too much light and different tv monitors with silly product adverts on but all on at the same time but pumping out at different times so it clashes, argh its horrible and i feel sick for ages after and sometimes explode at home after, i think she gets the same in there.

A nursery nurse is coming next week to see if there are any ideas she can offer that i havent tried already, just until the paedatrician appointment in october.

Anyway thanks again for your replies

If there are shops that set her (and you)off is there a way that you can get her father, or someone to shop for you there.

Even small reductions in stressors can sometimes help? When my son was very little he had problems with "supermarket" smell, even in the less stinky ones that did not bother me. I would makes lists, and I sent my husband to the supermarket. I do not remember how old he was when it was Ok to take him to regular supermarkets, but he was probably 3 or 4 before I could take him to ethnic supermarkets with more exotic smelling spices/food smells.

So, if you are both feeling overwhelmed with things you can identify, think of ways to reduce the stress