HELP .. New and Overwhelmed ! !

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Hi Anybody ! ! I don't even know where to begin ! !

My recovering alcoholic husband (who also suffers from sexual anorexia, in addition to battling a porn and masturbation addiction) has been recently been diagnosed with Aspergers , with ADD/OCD/ODD underlying traits.. It's helped to explain a lot of his history ! ! He's so relieved .. and so was I (initially..) now I'm panicking a wee bit ( ok .. more than a wee bit, actually, it comes and goes .. .) We've been together for over 10 yrs now, through hell and high water, and I love him with all my heart, and want so much to understand how to cope with this new 'chapter' of our lives.

Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

It will take time. I figured out I was undiagnosed in 2010, and I'm still figuring out how to deal with myself. But it can be done - and I've been accomplishing things this last year I literally never managed to do before at all - even though this year is also a very difficult one. So there is hope. I think that's the most important thing to know.

Whatever you do, even if you have an idea - don't push. Where if you push hard enough, it may work with an NT, with one of us, you'll get the opposite reaction.

There's probably a lot more, but I'm sick at the moment, stuffy head, nasty scratchy throat, so sorry I can't think too clearly. And my father's funeral is tomorrow...

So, yeah, if I remember, I'll try to come back and give you some more advice, but that's off the top of my head.

Edited to add: things that work for NTs often do not work for us. Or if they do, they have to be modified. One of the things that caused me to waste years and messed me up was all the people telling me "just try harder" or whatever, when that wasn't the problem. I was using different hardware. It was a bit like getting advice for my Ubuntu machine from a guy with a Mac... Until you understand this, you can't move forward, because you're stuck on all the useless advice that might work fine for Macs, but makes no sense in Ubuntu.

Thank you very much for your response. I offer my condolences about your fathers' passing.

It was indeed very kind of you to take the time to post to me under those circumstances, I do so appreciate it. I'll look forward to hearing more of anything you wish to advise me ( when you of course are feeling better .. no rush) What you already mentioned has make an impression and given me something to think about. Thanks again

~ Charrah

Welkome to WP

Mick

Thanks for the "welcome" .. your little drummer boy made me smile ..

~ Charrah

Sexual anorexia? That's a new one.

Hi Redrobin62


I guess the conceptual framework that makes it easier to understand sexual anorexia .. is that it’s more of an intimacy disorder than a sexual one. If we bear in mind that all sex addiction is an intimacy disorder, we are closer to a window into this mysterious condition. The fact that my husband is an Aspie and has an extremely difficult time with communication, social interaction on all levels and with expressing himself , tends to lead him to isolate. (he was a virgin until he was 36 because he couldn't form or maintain relationships) .. So he did one of two things : He either acted out strictly with porn and masturbation (35 yrs worth) and landed himself a pretty ingrained addiction, or he went without .. and avoided all sexual 'connection' for months on end.

I assure you, sexual anorexia is nothing new.. it's the "flip-side" of sexual compulsion. They are both intimacy disorders and one can't have intimacy if one has problems understanding or communicating, or emotional connecting with another human being. As part of my husband Aspergers disorder, he also suffers from high anxiety, and used alcohol since his teens to reduce his stress and 'chill out', when he had to socialize with people. He got addicted to that too ! !

He has problems managing his anxiety , and his anxiety leads him to compulsive behaviors, and his compulsive behaviors lead him to isolate .. and his isolation creates a huge wedge between us. Further complicating the situation.

I'm asking for advice on how to better integrate with my husband, and learn to understand his needs better. Just about everything I've been doing up until this point has been all wrong ! !

Thanks for your interest, it was kind of you to comment.

Take care

~ Charrah

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