Difficult to accept myself

Post Reply New Topic

Well, lately I've come to the realization that I have really really low self-confidence... and I have for a while. I was in denial, because I don't give off that feeling when I talk to people, I think. Well, people don't understand that you can be 'good-looking' and still have low self-esteem, which made it harder for me to accept. Also, the fact that I tend to hide my feelings and bottle them up, because I want to fit in.

I still have thoughts of how my life would be easier if I just was never born, and someday when no one is relying on me, I might as well just commit suicide. I've read countless things about how suicide is not the answer, etc. But my logic tells me that it might have a very weak effect if I had no friends or family heavily invested in my life, anyways. (I'm not even sad.)
I don't open up to people that much anyway, because it's too hard when they move away or don't like you too much anyway or they just don't care.

I have Asperger's, but it's self-diagnosed, and I imagine if I went to a doctor, they would find that it was much worse than just that. (Even in this place filled with aspies, I feel like a colorful wildflower among a field of white cotton.)
Something like schizophrenia or close... I don't always feel schizophrenic (well, I never have paranoid delusions or hallucinations, I don't think), but essentially sometimes I have no desire to have a family, friends, etc. I just want to be alone and have nothing to do with anybody... (And not in a sad/angry/negative way... Just a feeling that things might be better that way.) Perhaps I'm a bit psychotic, because, though logically, that's not all right, I feel like it's not a big deal if that's just the way I am.
I also found it strange how I don't have meltdowns the same as everyone else. I bottle it up and keep it inside... I just have intense feelings of anger and depression, and I do my best to seem happy on the outside... When in reality, I wish I was dead for at least a brief moment.

Since I was a young child, I have practiced keeping my emotions under control as well as I can, but maybe it's gone a bit too far.

I have done a lot of changing of my personality and feelings to become happier, and it has worked to some degree... Except now, I have developed stage fright and I also don't like talking to or introducing myself to people unless there's a really strong reason to do so. (I'd rather only talk to people I'm already closely familiar with.)

The problem I have is that I still don't really fit-in... And I can tell I am sometimes just a bother, and I can't freely express myself. (Not without people not knowing what to say or having misunderstandings.)
I try so hard... Even so, it's difficult to accept that this is just the way I am... I was born basically as an alien... Something inhuman that no one can relate to... I've yet to meet one person who is similar. Internet or otherwise. Even if someone was like this, though, it's not like we could communicate with each other... That's the nature of it, I suppose.

<--- Has never fit in...never will. Welcome to our little club.

I want to live on an island. I think it would be awesome, you will be your own hero, nobody else to judge you, only you and wilson

I remember when I felt like you did, intensely angry and depressed, trying to fit in, not having meltdowns and thinking that life would be better if you didn't exist...
Truthfully though, that only makes you feel inadequate when your a lot better than that.
You can't let that stuff become you.