Birthday Party invitation, what to do....

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We just moved back to the area - and my brother has invited my daughter who is 5 with autism to her older cousin's birthday party. The cousin is turning 7.

I asked my brother the details.... 15 kids(just going to "run around the backyard") this party is at their home, they are kids my daughter does not know. Well she doesn't know her cousin either, played with her once at my mother's house(uhmmm.... need to mention my brother hasn't even visited me yet since i moved back nor invited us over till this "party".... his sis in law does not like my family they are in therapy.... ok off topic but had to mention it for me this is a sad situation) I honestly don't know if I should put us all through this. It is sounding like a recipe for disaster......

I told my brother(who is ignorant to autism and is insensitive to it all) that we may have to leave early.

I am torn up on this, I am hoping we can just take her briefly but I have not been in this situation before. My daughter has only been invited to two birthday parties. the one party we attended my daughter only knew the birthday girl, the girl didn't play directly with my daughter and my daughter had a meltdown because her "friend" ignored her..... I am seeing this problem as well with this party with my niece......... she is going to want to play with her friends not my kid......We might as well be going to a stranger's kids party walking into this mess.

This is a new scenario for this is a family party.... not some school kid with ignorant parents that I can just blow off. I really dont' want this to be a bad situation for my daughter.

Any suggestions? My daughter is on a special diet as well so I need to deal with that as well.....

How have you all dealt with this?

We've done a few birthday parties that in retrospect I wish I would have skipped. The type of environment you have described is often intolerable for kids on the spectrum and the chances of it all ending badly are high.

An option you might consider: Call him and decline the invitation to the party but schedule another time to get together to catch up with him and have your daughter meet his in a calmer environment. Don't plan on making that visit very long as your daughter will likely be nervous even if its not a big event.

Better yet, RSVP yes, then ring up the day of the party and say that she's sick and so sorry she can't come, but can we schedule a playdate with the niece sometime soon. This way, there are no hurt feelings about you declining the party invitation. Be sure to bring a birthday present next time you see them.

We went to one of those recently. My son (age 4, ASD) cried at first but he calmed down once he got used to it. He didn't play with the other kids but played near them. After a couple of hours he got bored and wandered into a neighbor's yard. We left at that point.

Does your daughter suffer from social anxiety? That could be a problem.

Social anxiety is an understatement:( I can see it now...my loud drunk brother and his loud wife scaring my daughter, one kid screams and my daughter is done(she is struggling with kids screaming at school and crying.... ok what the hell was I thinking taking her to this party?????)

I was thinking to say yes at first then make an excuse and bail...... I have had a bad feeling in my gut on this whole thing, if it was a classmate and a bunch of children she knew it would still be a challenge, but I need to trust and go with my mom instincts.... I get torn with the "maybe she will be fine", but just because she handles herself well in a classroom doesn't equate to this situation. I have already had to say no to two birthday parties this month because of the dreaded bounce house partyroom environment...... I have to examine each situation and pick and choose what's best for my daughter and not what others think if I say no.

Oh dear, I wouldnt go to be honest. Its a shame to have to decline it if your brother wont acknowledge your daughters problems what can you do!

My little girl has AS but is generally ok in social situations. We went to a party last week and she wasnt really interested in playing with the other kids, but she was starting to do the sort of stuff she would do at home that others would consider naughty, like taking inside toys in the garden and bringing dirty garden stuff inside, mixing gravel its crumbled up food and some soap to mak a "cake". So I gave her a task to take a bowl of crisps round and offer them to all the adults. She got chatting with them and so was distracted from her previous activities. However she then decided to be a dog for the rest of the day and started to eat the crisps face first in the bowl off the floor! Parties can be difficult for us too but she does at least enjoy them, if I thought she wasnt enjoying it I wouldnt go.

Hope you can come to an agreement with your brother and he doesnt get upset if you dont go

This is such difficult situations....I wouldn't go to ANYBODIES birthday if I knew the parents will get drunk and scream any way......Just my opinion!
When my son dont know other kids at a party he will only be sitting on my lap the whole time, nagging me to go home! No use really!
I would maybe not decline but on that specific day, something else" popped up".....you can then only quickly drop of her prezzie, exct?

noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Wouldn't do it, sounds too full on for all of you. I like any of the alternatives, reschedule an alternative day to catch up or call on the day and try to reschedule something. Take a present later and give the girls a chance to bond at a slower pace. Trust your instincts!! !

Listen to your gut. What are you hoping to gain by taking her to such a problematic event? That's all I'll say- everyone else has had great suggestions.

I'd say, specify in advance you have an important appointment that day, but that you can drop by--as another poster said here-- for about 30 minutes. You do your 'duty', expose you child just a little to see how they do, and yet have a backup excuse to leave.

We went to a birthday party last week that I wish we hadn't gone to. And there were only 4 other kids there!! But he was having a bad week, and it did NOT go well. At all. I made my excuses and left with my son about 45 minutes in. I don't know how I could have refused as they group is his regular after-school play group--even though he knows all of them, it did not work. Sigh.

Let us know how it turns out!

I would advise against using the appointment.

If your daughter goes to the party and happens to have fun and wants to stay, you'll either have to hurt her or your lie unravels.

Much better to fake a huge headache if she's not having fun.

Thank you for all your helpful replies.... I just found out that my mother isn't invited "no grandparents" WTF????? My bro's wife's mother can't stand my mom - last year they invited her and not my mother.... now I guess the dramatics have shifted and we are the ones invited this year (kids party??? I dunno)...... Seriously I can't believe that my bro and his wife behave like this. I was hoping my mother was invited this year because that would have helped my daughter so much. All this drama is too much for me to handle...... this was the benefit of living far away...... frankly I am shocked we are invited at all......

Thankfully my daughter has a therapy/equestrian session on Saturdays.... I have mentioned that to my bro when he invited us. I don't know what time the party is - so it may be our way of getting out of it, she has an equestrian show she is participating in and she can't miss those lessons in order to participate in the show. My bro already knows about the show(I invited him and I got the "yeah yeah that sounds cool we'd love to go"......uhm yeah right promise).......

I would ask what time he expects to cut the cake and open presents and just go for that part. The reason I suggest that is that you can tell her exactly what to expect and exactly what she needs to do. For my daughter, as long as she knows exactly what to expect and exactly what she is supposed to do, she does fine. "Running around in the back yard" is not something you can really prepare her for. (although I must admit my 6 y/o daughter went to a party like that this summer and it was the best party she has ever been to because she didn't need to worry about "doing the right thing." She kind of just did her "own thing" amongst the other kids. The difference was that many of other kids knew my daughter. I don't think it would have worked with strange kids).