My Aspie Never Asked How I Was During My Hospital Stay

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So, my aspie friend/ partner, whatever you want to call us, has confused and hurt my feelings. She's currently in a shutdown mode, where she isn't contacting me. We both have feelings for each other, (the last I checked, she had feelings for me, anyway.) I texted her once during her shutdown, just to make sure she was ok, and she responded that she was ok, and she would talk to me when her shutdown was over, but she wasn't sure if it would be just as friends or more than that, because the feelings had gotten too intense for her to handle and it was making her stress out. She said it wasn't my fault, but I still feel bad. Anyway, a few days ago I came down with a bad case of shingles, due to stress and went to the doctor, where they gave me medicine to take at dinner time. I took the meds, and soon after started feeling really ill. Had trouble breathing,my heart felt like it was going to explode. I went to the hospital, where it turned out I had an allergic reaction to the medication. I texted my aspie on the way to let her know what was going on, and because I was scared. I was released from the hospital this morning and checked my phone for messages. Nothing. She hadn't texted me once. I sent her a text letting her know Ibwas oit and ok, and still nothing. I'm upset and confused/hurt. I feel like she doesn't care about me, if she couldn't even text to see how I was doing while in the hospital. I understand she's shutdown, so I don't expect her to make small talk, but it was kibd of an emergency. I've read that aspies sometimes don't kbow how to show that they care, but she was always very sweet before the shutdown. I want to express my feelings of hurt and confusion to her, but I don't want to upset her or stress her out, for fear that she won't talk to me ever agaib after she comes out of her shutdown. What should I do? Does she really not care for me at all?

Are you sure she was checking her messages/texts during this time? Is it possible she isn't even aware that you were hospitalized? If not, then certainly expressing hurt feelings isn't going to help matters. She also might be a person who has a lot of trouble handling others' illnesses. I am like that, and it's taken a lot of maturing through the years for me to be able to respond appropriately even when someone close to me is ill. I still don't cope very well. It's not that I don't feel anything, it's that my feelings become too intense for me to handle. So don't assume it's because she doesn't care. She might care so much that the situation completely paralyzed her, and chastising her over it will just make matters worse.

I remember once in high school I lost a friend because I had no idea how to respond to her telling me about her sister being seriously ill. I later realized my blanking out was the reason she no longer spoke to me, but at that point I was unable to explain to her why it happened. (I only learned about Asperger's a few years ago, so lots of things through the years have been completely mysteries to me and to those who knew me.)

In any case, I hope you're feeling better now and recovering. My husband had shingles years ago, and I know that can be a distressing condition. An allergic reaction on top of that - OMG! (And I'm adding this as an afterthought - see? I'm still this way!)

I guess it's possible she hasn't checked her messages, but I doubt it. I haven't expressed my hurt feelings to her, and I won't, because I know Aspies are different than other people. I care a lot about her, and this shutdown/withdrawl is taking its toll emotionally on me. I have Borderline personality disorder, and things like this make me feel abandoned and forgotten. I want so badly for her to talk to me, and her shutdown has been going on for almost two weeks now. I'm worried she really won't talk to me ever again. She knows I have BPD, and she says she can handle it, that she's never walked away from someone before, people always give up on her, but there's a first time for everything. I won't give up on her or walk away, but I'm scared she will walk away from me. I sent a few texts about me being home from the hospital, and then apologized for even texting her because I'm scared it will scare her off. I don't know much about Asperger's, which is why I joined this forum. I want to know all I can to keeo her in my life. I'm just scared.

i would jump to conclusions just yet.... a lot can happen in a week/day/hour, keep holding on!! !!

Well the shutdown in itself is something I've never experienced - at least not for two weeks. Maybe a day or two of not wanting any contact. I'm an extreme introvert and tend to be a hermit, but I usually communicate in some way, with someone. Is there anyone like a parent, close friend, sibling or roommate through whom you can check on her indirectly just to make sure she's okay? It does seem odd she hasn't contacted you at all for so long. Do you know if going this long is normal for her?

She's been posting on her tumblr, so I know ahe's alive and well. I have a best friend who is also and aspie, and she's shut down for several weeks to two months at a time, where I don't hear drom her, so I know that some shutdowns can last a while. I'm kind of stuck in a hard place, because I want to ask her what's going on, since she said I probably would only not hear from her for a few days, and I want to know if I did something wrong or what. But I also know that texting her asking questions during a shutdown is probably only going to stress her out and drive her away from me. I'm scared and kind of depressed, not only do I face not knowing if she'll ever talk to me again, I face not knowing if when/if she does talk to me if it will only be as friends.

I think she's playing you.

The whole story in this thread doesn't feel right to me.

Sorry bro.

Would she be really upset if you just showed up at her house?

My father had shingles twice, I had it once, and it's not fun. The best meds for it work best if taken within the first few days. I didn't know what was wrong with me and kept trying different things I had at home to treat it until it got bad enough to freak me out. At that point I called my parents to drive me to the hospital emergency room, as I was in too much pain to drive. The doc recognized what it was at once, and I was still just within the best time limit for the most effective meds to work, so that was good, and fortunately, I didn't have an allergic reaction. I did however have trouble with the side effects from the opioid pain med they gave me along with the other meds. As soon as I could stand the pain on my own, I took myself off that opioid-- and had withdrawal symptoms for several days! That was still better than having the bad side effects, especially since I knew any withdrawal symptoms would only be temporary.

I am glad you got help for the shingles and the allergy emergency, and are on the mend.

As for your friend's shut down, I am usually in a mild state of shut down, with occasional more severe bouts. I generally keep the phone ringer and the answer machine volume turned all the way down. Once or twice a week I will check the messages, and return calls if I need or want to. I am very much a non social, introverted hermit, so I prefer solitude to a very great extent. Also, if I am having trouble handling input I tend to shut it out, or back away from a situation. Your friend may be the same way on some things.

Don't write her off yet, but you do need to decide if you want a serious relationship with someone prone to severe shut downs. If not, then just consider her a casual friend. If you want a serious relationship with her you need to realize that serious shut downs will be part of the package.

Hope you make a full recovery from your shingles attack, and that you never get another bout of it.

I don't think she would like me showing up at her house or work uninvited. I think that would be forcing interaction on her. as for her playing me, I don't think that's the case. Maybe Questor is riggt, and since she says her feelings for me are too intense and she doesn't know how to handle them maybe that is what's causing her to back away from me. I really don't know what to do. Should I send her texts or just let it be and see if she texts me at all? I'm so worried and hurt.

Also I can handle a relationship with her and serious shutdowns in the future, if I only knew where I stood with her right now.

Well, I'm not a girl, but sometimes I'm not sure what to say over text, and I don't want to say the wrong thing because it's in writing. Also, if I got a text from someone who I thought was upset with me for ignoring them, and it said "I'm dying in the hospital" I would think that this person is lying and trying to manipulate me into talking to them. If I say nothing, I'm a bad person. If I talk, then I allowed myself to be sucked in. Since I already have trouble knowing what to say, I would say nothing. Just saying, bro.

Yes, it's very possible she was at a loss for what to say. Trust me, if she just liked you as a friend she would probably react this same way. Aspies tend to sometimes freak out and possibly shut down if something serious happens to someone close to them. At least in my experience.

As I've learned, when dealing with Asperger's, take nothing personally and don't take anything as a 'hint' or 'sign'. This will only serve to hurt you. Assume everything is good until it's not. Be direct with your feelings and concerns.