Has anyone of you been ever a manager?

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Hi,

I am currently a manager and I had been a manager the last 11 years. But either I had a lot luck or I have much bad luck at my current position.

I absolutely don't have authority here. I should lead two ladies, one 50 and one 32 years old. My predecessor was 60 years old and I am 43. Unfortunately he was 100% NT and I am probably Aspie, I am waiting for my diagnosis at mid of October. These ladies were awaiting the same NT behaviour they were used to. But this I can never show. After I had a serious discussion with one of them, they don't even say Good Morning to me. I want to get out here. This refusal is 50% of my decision. The other 50% is coming from an insane boss who wants me to manipulate figures regularly. I am Financial Controller.

But I am afraid to suffer similar problems in the future. I need a job who fits to me. I don't have an issue with communication. It all goes well as long I am the one who has to say something. But as soon as it comes to small talk situations, I screw up. It isn't that I don't want to talk, I am simply ignored or not taken serious. You might know these situations.

To adjust my "charisma" to the one of an NT, it costs a lot of energy. But even so, if this happens in the evening, I am not tired, but psyched and it takes hours to get to sleep. I don't mind even to travel a lot around, because if I had a position to control various entities on the world, it would fit better to me than to deal always with the same people every day. If I see people only from time to time, they don't really get to know me as I am. I would have a certain distance and that's what I want. Otherwise I will always keep frustrated.

Multiplex

I got made a manager once. I engineered my way out of that one after a while. Just not my thing.

I was a team leader at a security post for a while. The title wasn't manager but i had 8 guards who had to answer to me and I had to organise their workload.

Don't you think in previous times it was better, where a boss was entering a room, and the subordinates were wincing?

Why do I have to gain respect of the others? And do you think this social stuff is also valid at military? Why a boss has to be the friend of his people? On the other side, there are so many NT bosses who have simply authority, but no likeability at all.

I think I will never comprehend this.

I reckon above all be fair. You do not need to be liked, just be fair, keep your staff informed and explain the rationale behind decision making that may be unpopular to them so they understand the reasoning and can give you feedback. Listen to their concerns and understand them, and do not be dismissive if you think they are without basis, but find some middle ground.
It can be boiled down to what the Bible says (I'm not religious I just think its very true) which is something like "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"

I am a manager right now, for the last 9 months, for the first time in my life.

I agree that you don't have to be liked. But it helps a lot if people understand why you do and say the things that you do and say.

Sometimes what is most beneficial is not what is fair or what would make anybody happy. It's just a cold hard fact of life. In my line of work, in quality control, I have to advocate for the customer even if that pisses everybody off. But the people i piss off know that this is my job, and that someone has to do it.

If the resolution of a problem leaves everyone disappointed, you have probably achieved a Nash equilibrium.

Some time soon i need to tell one of my people that it's not really cool that he sent me an email at 1am informing me of his intention to take a vacation day. Even though he ended up not taking it. That it's not really ok for him to just decree that he will be working from home on a given day. That he has to actually ask me, and i will almost always say yes, but he has to actually ask me. I don't do those things, because I'm in a position where my boss has specifically asked me not to bother him with minutiae like that because I'm a manager, but he, as a junior member of my team, should actually effing ask whether he can take a day off, so that i can ask him for an on the spot status update on his projects and then tell him that, yes, he can take a day off.

It's not going to be fun. He's going to be annoyed. But it's the way it has to be.

I have to have this conversation with him before it gets to a point where i am so pissed off that i am ready to fire him. Or before other members on the team realize that he is getting away with that crap.

It's not about fair or happy. It's about me having a responsibility to the company and the customer.

Yep. 6 years, 3-4 directs, 10-12 total, technical industry.

1. Overall, Keep It Simple Stupid. My approach is to take the good of the company as the overarching priority and make decisions according to that good. I also avoided NT games (because I'd lose) and made it clear that my only interest was contributing to the company's success. This simplifies peer relationships because the NTs can predict your behavior precisely. From my supervisor's perspective, I was preferable to the NTs who literally spent every meeting backstabbing each other.
2. Friendly, but distant. Be kind, smile a lot, and, subject to (1), do your best for your subordinates. Teach them, give them opportunities. I find supervisory R/S easier than peer R/S. If they aren't doing their jobs, well, then the good of the company requires writing them up and eventually firing them. Most supervisors are glad to give feedback on that sort of decision - so ask them to second-guess you a bit - people like being asked for advice. Personally, I've mostly found that if I'm unhappy with someone - they're usually already doing their best - so your responsibility is mostly proactively documenting problems to avoid legal issues before firing them. Women can be problematic. Try to make it a point to have one friendly non-business interaction a week - like saying hello or thanking them for work they've done.
3. Avoid games. You won't flourish in companies with complex politics - so it will probably be best to avoid that sort of workplace. Your boss sounds problematic.
4. Lists will help keep organized. Cellphones are really, really great actually.
5. Unless your subordinates suggestion is clearly problematic, go with it - they'll feel happy.
6. For small talk, ask lots of questions and listen. Most people like that a lot.

--Argyle