Playground woes, etc.

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I'm not sure what I want from this post. Maybe just empathy.

Anyway, my son, who is 6 years old had a HORRIBLE day on the playground after school today. He spent the entire time chasing a group of kids around asking them to sit down and listen to a funny story he wanted to tell them. These are all kids he knows well, so he's played with them plenty of times. Of course, they were all engaged in a game of chase, so they weren't interested in his story. So, he ended up yelling at them and getting upset. He had a meltdown over it.

I sent him back to play after he settled down. I told him that if kids were running around playing a certain game, he could just ask to join, but not to bring up the story again because they already said they didn't want to do that. So, he goes over and starts asking them to play some completely different game than what they were playing and got all upset because they wanted to continue to play what they were playing. Meltdown #2.

So, I decided we needed to leave, and in the car he's saying the other kids don't like him and won't play with him, etc. It's not true. These kids do play with him regularly. They weren't PERFECT playmates today, but usually they are pretty good.

It's hard because I want to get across to him how to engage with these kids, but, of course, they also behave like kids... so, there is no perfect solution. What I think might work to engage them can totally backfire because they are deciding to use their little 6 year old brains instead of reacting like a reasonable person (i.e. reasonable ADULT) would! lol!

To top it all off, my younger one who is 3 has some sensory issues we are trying to figure out right now. I just started the assessment process with her. So, at the playground, we've got the 6 year old trying to control all the play and having meltdowns when it doesn't work and my three year old screaming and crying because everything is "too loud" or sitting next to me and refusing to play (despite the recent addition of noise blocking head phones for her).

I am feeling a tad bit overwhelmed with my kids' needs in social development. I just wish I could be one of those parents who showed up at a playground or other environment with kids and unleash them to play.... like everyone else. You'd think I'd be ok with it.. it's not like it's new. It's just recently reached a new level of difficulty because my daughter's sensory issues seem to be really heightened right now!

It would be easier if they were hermits, but my kids WANT to play with other kids... they just don't do so well in a lot of environments right now.

I'm sure you have no problem getting empathy on that one.
It's so easy to fall for the green eyed monster with all the smug NTs drifting through their effortless lives around us. They have all the time in the world to spend on themselves, their money goes on wonderful holidays instead of pouring their wallets into OTs and therapists. They're always FB posting about their little darlings winning at X championships. Their refrigerators are covered with party invitations. Their parents think they're okay.
Meanwhile on our (wrong) planet, we celebrate a victory if our child gets through the day -a single day- without yet another crisis and all the humiliation, stress, expense and bucketloads of time investment that come with it. Our parents sneer down their noses at our messy houses as they make passive-aggressive comments. We're forever condemned by dumbass advice containing the word "just". We scream inside all the time, but we can't tell anyone because they don't even understand the groundwork to BEGIN to understand what we're going through. Our children look normal, so what's our problem?

I wish we could get all the aspies, their parents and the teachers who get it, and all go found our own country somewhere, and forget the rest of the world exists.

Its so hard, my daughter is 5 and wants to make friends, play with friends...... but its on her terms i.e. what she wants to play..... its slowly coming along but I totally understand.

On a positive note its great that your son has a group of kiddos to play with. I am hoping my daughter makes one good friend this school year to do things with.

The playground is tough, cause our kiddos have their own agenda and its not a structured place..... doing the "non preferred" activity is in our daughter's IEP. That's hard though - honestly we don't do the playground as much and are doing other kid related things(kids museums, library, etc. etc. where there are kiddos around still to get my daughter "out there")

I am sorry to hear the other children didn't want to play something else - its a tug of war nightmare situation, I have dealt with that when my daughter was in preschool.

I have tons of social skills stories I read to my daughter, however her knowing what she is supposed to do versus acting them out is a learning process...... My daughter wants to tell the whole world a story about something that she did - to kids she has seen once or twice.... I have to create my own social stories on that issue to break it down on telling someone something and they don't want to hear the story breaks my heart because she is sharing with another person but inappropriately..... I feel like I am the Obi wan kenobi of social stories with my daughter...... she is slowly getting it.... I use plush toys to create scenarios all the time.... that sinks in to some extent. Our problem is finding girls to play with these days.


You are sooo not alone. I am sorry that your daughter is having sensory issues as well.

Maybe if you are able, try to do a one on one type playdate with those kids - the group thing is really really difficult - then your son can practice what he learns re: conversation etc. etc. and also there's less chance of a meltdown situation. And reinforce that he does have friends....

Its so hard. I am hoping someday to have my daughter look into my eyes when she is older and beyond these crazy years and tell me she is ok and survived childhood with little scars...... I am calling these years the puppy years....not easy.....

I'll move there in a heartbeat.... just please make sure we parents have our own happy hour daily and massage therapists:)

I actually HATE those people, because if you look at their kids, many of them have social skills that I would not want my kids emulating, LOL! I mean, seriously...how many times has some kid did something completely inappropriate and you look around to try to find the corresponding parent and they are nowhere to be found?

But I share your feelings. My almost 7 year old daughter is very similar. One of my favorite quotes from her is "But, Mommy, I DO play what the other kids want to play...when they want to play what I want to play."

My son was so eager and out going when he was little, but it was very hard for him to find kids willing to play on his terms. As is common with little Aspies, he always wanted to be in control!

Practice. Talk. Talk. Explain. Practice.

You just chip away at it for a whole many long years and they eventually learn give and take, how to bend like a tree in the wind. Lol, that was the term I used with my son, "you've got to bend like a tree in the wind."

Normally my daughter plays well in playgrounds. But, a few weeks ago, we were in one which had a small obstacle course. She started at one end, following some kids. As she approached the end, some other kids were coming towards her. They were about the same height as her, but looked about 3 or 4 years older (she's very tall). She started to tell them off for going in the wrong direction. She said, 'Everyone else is coming this way. You shouldn't be coming that way...' She was right, of course, because people have to get off the course to let others pass. However, kids don't expect another (much younger) child to tell them off and it really wasn't a big deal to climb down to let others pass. They managed to get past one another. Then, I overheard the kids talking about her. They were saying, 'Was she the same age as us? What's up with her? I think she's just a really moany person...' Thankfully, they appeared to be quite nice kids and didn't start arguing with her, but I could see how she could quite easily get into a lot of bother.

Last edited by Mummy_of_Peanut on 26 Sep 2012, 6:51 am, edited 2 times in total.

Such hard work isnt it My dd4 is very sociable but doesnt understand how to interact. She gets frustrated and says things like "why dont the others understand me?" and she claims they dont like her and wont play with her. Also with sensory issues she thinks they are hitting her when they just brush past her gently.

Thank you for all of your responses. They made me feel a lot better reading them last night after I posted! Today is a new day and he had a much better time on the playground after school today. Only one of his friends stayed after and they played quite well one on one... AND, the boy let my son tell him the story he was so obsessed with telling yesterday. Big sigh of relief.

I also reached out to his special ed teacher and his Speech Teacher just to give them an idea of the dynamic on the playground. They are so nice, and always want to know what I'm seeing after school , since during school is a different ball game. The Speech Therapist even went and had lunch with him and a group of friends today and noticed that he wasn't getting some of the humor they were using. So, she spent some time talking to him about it afterwards.

We are so lucky to have such good resources at his school. And I'm so happy I can come on here and get some reassurance and advice whenever I need it. I don't get on here much, but when I do, people always answer my questions! THANK YOU!

Oh, and my daughter... she's always throwing fits and having tantrums when I pick her brother up at school. A friend who we always meet after school said, "Why don't you just put her in a stroller so she feels more secure during all of the transitions." Genius. My daughter was so happy at pick up... then, she sat in the stroller for about a half hour before she felt comfortable enough to get out and play on the playground. NO TEARS today from her.

It's all going to be OK.

I really like the superflex curriculum. It is a fun and clear way to work on building flexibility and being a good friend.

Video modeling might help as well, so he can see similar situations when he isn't in the moment.

I feel for your story- we avoided a potentially devastating situation last night at Cub Scouts...

My DS8 was going to his first meeting with his new pack- we switched last year due to a non-engaging pack with questionable planning and enthusiasm and joined one closer to our house in the hopes that maybe he could meet some new friends closer to where we live. Well, last year he went to their last meeting a met a boy who we will call Josh there that was really nice to him and they played all evening and the next morning. (It was a campout) So this year, I know that this boy had signed up his best friend from school. Problem was, my DS kept asking "is Josh going to be there? Then I'll go..." kind of stuff, great- he was already attaching to him. I feel for Josh already...

So, 2 nights ago I talked to him and said "Be careful with Josh, he has a friend coming tomorrow, it may be his best friend, and he may want to hang out with him too. Josh and his best friend go to school together, so you probably shouldn't try to come into what they're doing and change their plans or force something that you want to do. Ask them if you can play with them instead tomorrow. I'm not saying that you can't be friends, but it would be like if you and <my DS's best friend at school> in Cub Scouts, and a boy that you really don't know trying to come between you guys, you probably wouldn't like that, would you?" And he said "No, that makes sense..." I mean if he plays this wrong and gets cast off by Josh, he may completely turn on the experience, and may not ever want to go again. I'm going to trust him though, and cross my fingers...

We go to Cub Scouts last night, shirt untucked because Mr. sensory wasn't feeling that yesterday... and since I'm an Assistant Den Leader, we are there early and Josh is there with his Dad since he is the Den Leader, so my DS and Josh were able to play for a while until his friend comes in, to which Josh takes off to his friend and gives him a massive hug. My son takes it all in stride. Excellent. He lets them go play and he smiles at me and I give him a "great job!" and he runs off to go play with some of the other boys.

Later in the evening was his big test. We paired off to do some sit-ups for an achievement. When we said pair off, both my DS and Josh's best friend dive for Josh. My son is holding his ankle, Josh's best friend is holding his arm. My DS is saying "I got you! I got you!" Of course, I had to say to my son "Sorry man, Josh's best friend got there first, fair and square."

I could see my DS's mind turning. He smiles and says "ok, that's ok." He then stands up, and says "who needs a partner, I need a partner!" and he ends up asking another new boy that doesn't go to the same school as the other scouts (this new boy and my son are the only ones that don't go to this school that charters our Cub Scout pack, so they're the only ones that don't know everyone else there) to be his partner, which they do, and end up finding out that both of them have dogs named Oreo. Perfect.

So, maybe from a simple conversation the day before warning him what was coming up, he has a new friend, still has Josh as a friend, and made it through Cub Scouts without melting down. I was so proud of my son today...

It's a constant diligence, and sometimes it won't end well, but sometimes it will. Keep trying, sometimes hidden gems reveal themselves...

That is a GREAT story! My son does so much better when he knows what to expect, too. I think it's great that you talked it through before you got there. Thank you so much for sharing that!

It does help my son a lot to know as well- we sit down once in a while in his fort outside and he can be in a mood where he will talk for a couple of hours. Like your son, ours does much better when he knows the plan as an Aspie. That is where I found out that he would probably not melt down if he is told of a change in plans a little in advance of something happening. Like adding a stop to Home Depot on the way home. He said "I'd be in a better place if you said that we are going to make an extra stop at a store on the way home instead of just stopping when I was planning on going home. That way I can get ready for it."

Just to share something else that worked miracles for us so far-

We discovered the awesome use of a "rescue word" since sometimes he doesn't know he's affecting someone to the point of pushing them over the edge, since he doesn't read faces or moods very well until it's too late. I said "I can tell if someone is about to get really upset and start yelling, you might have a harder time with it. What if we come up with a word or a phrase to say when I can tell something is going in a bad direction and you just need to stop whatever it is you're doing no questions and then maybe we can talk about it later if you want?" It avoids us getting overly upset, and him melting down because he doesn't know what he did wrong. He came up with "offroad" as his rescue word. So now if he's doing something really annoying or uncalled for, I say "DS, don't go offroad..." or something using his word, and he amazingly stops cold turkey 90%+ of the time. We might have to repeat it the other 10% of the time before he does. We can deal with that... It's worked for him for about a month already- his Mom uses it, even his teacher does, and says it works! We talk later, and he has learned some things that are going wrong, why, and has been dealing with some things much better... We don't use it a lot, or nearly as much as we might have thought, we save it for true "dude, this is the last straw" times so it doesn't lose it's effectiveness as a tool for him. Our therapist says it is a grea ttool, and was pleased that he was involved in creating it, and picking the word as well. Hey- we did something good!