I can't be this way anymore

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Sometimes I feel like... I'm meant to be an observer. Nothing more. It's as though I'm just supposed to watch humanity without ever interfering, without ever being a part of it. I can't affect any sort of change on anything, and I have no one with whom I can actually share my feelings. I have a shedload of work to do for school, and it's my own fault. I should have just been a diligent student the first three years and relaxed senior year. Instead I was a slacker, and now, having finally realized that I need to get good grades, I'm busting my ass to get A's in AP classes senior year. I've always had the intellect to succeed in school. My standardized test scores are ridiculously high, to the point that I should have been class valedictorian. I f****d up, and I have no one to blame but myself. Sure, I may have had more fun during those three years of academic neglect, but now I'm having no fun to speak of. Oh, and what impeccable timing this has all had. Emotionally I've always been a bit slow (understatement of the century) courtesy of AS. My therapist told my mom that I'm an emotional 9 year old a couple years back (I would have been around 15 biologically). Up until around a few months ago I haven't given a s**t about socializing with my peers. I've craved isolation above all else. Then I met someone who encouraged me to be more social and showed me how fantastic human interaction can be. Of course that had to happen right around the time that school would actually start causing me stress. Now I actually desire human interaction, but humanity seems to push me away at every opportunity, relegating me to the sidelines, forcing me to watch as others make friends and romantic relationships. I don't have enough energy to worry about school and the fact that I'm a spectator in the game of socializing simultaneously. I can't do it. I wish I could just stop caring. It would be so much easier to not give a s**t. I want someone to open up to. Nobody really knows me- sometimes I wonder if I even know me- and I wish I could have someone to hold me close and tell me they understand me and accept me.
Sorry for the rant, but I figure an anonymous post on the internet is a good way to vent.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/hatebree ... horns.html Might help to remember parts of that when you feel like giving up.

As for going from isolation to socializing...yes it is hell. Difference is your intelligence actually shows in school grades, whereas mine are purely in artwork. That means you could theoretically do more than I could.

What specific areas are you having a hard time with?

All I can tell you from my experience is this. I went through a tough time and was anti-social. I cut out some bad habits, found some part time work, started to hit the gym, and my confidence built from there. Maybe you could find a hobby or something on the side that brings a smile to your face. Everyone finds the smiling face more approachable.

Sweet Pea hugs

To the OP, I had the misfortune of reading the book 'Breakfast of Champions' when I was in my formative years. In it, was the assertion that God made only one man with free will; and everyone else were merely mindless robots who went about trying to provoke reactions from the one person who actually had free will; so that God could see his reactions.

In my Aspie innocence I took this literally. I felt that this book was God's message to me telling me that 'I was the only human with free will in the universe and everyone else was merely mindless robots trying to provoke a reaction from me one way or another'. It took me awhile to get over this feeling. (I still have flashbacks where I think I'm the only sane person on the planet and everyone else is nuts).

If you have time to read the book you'll see what I mean. If not they filmed the book into a movie staring Bruce Willis; it was a good movie as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LE0RL5YpMI

I'm absolutely terrible at starting conversations. Like others have stated, listen first. Listen to what the prevailing chatter is in a room. If I'm in room and the people are talking about sports or TV shows, I know that I can't start a conversation about my special interests of trains, aviation and spaceflight.

It's much easier to start conversation with people that share my interests. Look for people who share yours.