I've lost my reason to live, do not do the same

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Greetings fellow aliens,

Please note that this post is not a suicide note and I am certainly not contemplating suicide, I have simply came to the conclusive cause of my recent depressed state which is simply that my life has lost all reason. The purpose of this thread is not to seek advice or council, as I am fully aware that my situation will not change until I find new purpose, which will take a long time or may never happen at all. Indeed, the purpose of this thread is just to detail my way of life leading up to events which have shattered my fragile being as I feel that if this story is available to others to read then some people can avoid my foolish mistakes and hopefully live better lives. Or perhaps that is simply a pathetic self-forced excuse for seeking some attention. My story is not one about being beaten up by the world and falling into depression, it is one where once a troubled Asperger's person existed much alike many other young people on this forum, I, however slowly manifested into a monster. As I write this, I am currently at the age of 23.

Age 11
At the age of 11 I had long accepted the fact that I was different from anyone else. As far as I was concerned there was two groups: the former and dominant group, those who move as one, and think as none were a much unacceptable sight, as vermin they would congregate around the center of their self proclaimed territory and whenever there was not a ball to kick around the grounds to endlessly amuse their simple minds, they would provoke the wrath of all around them. The other group, the prey; four-eyed strategists, silent and reserved whisperers and those disciples of music, clad in garb of blackest night. Both factions would often fight, usually at the provocation of the aggressive vermin, though I did not really belong to either, I cast my lot with the introverted though was never accepted within their ranks.

Age 9-10
The reason I was never accepted was that I was a traitor, I was an aggressive vermin, bullying the weak and constantly looking for a fight simply because I hated myself and was weak of mind and simply wanted other people to suffer as a consequence. Upon reflecting upon my former self, I believe the reason for my cowardice was my father, although he was a loving and caring individual who worked tirelessly overtime in a factory, scraping all the money he could together to support his family. My schizophrenic mother could not take the loneliness and therefore started yelling at him every time he came through the door. He, in his rage after working a 12 hour shift would often punch a wall, throw something around the room or yell at the top of his voice or scold me for being a useless son, of course, at the time I believed he was at fault and did not understand the pain he was enduring.

Nevertheless, for the first 9 years of my life, I was an as*hole who constantly started fights with others, until one day I grabbed a fellow autistic boy by the neck and rammed him into a steel gate, he did not fight back like the rest, instead he cried and asked me why I was doing this. My fellow "friends" were laughing at him and cheering me on to cause him more harm, all I felt was disgust and pity with myself, it was in that moment that I exploded in rage. I did not, however hurt the autistic boy, instead I took out my anger on the other two bullies in a berserk rampage, too surprised and confused to react; they did not fight back and as a consequence, were beaten quite badly. Turning, the autistic boy was crying on the floor, I put him back on his feet, supporting him with my shoulder and walked him to the nurse's office.

The following days, I was hunted by those I betrayed and started fighting them daily, this time in self-preservation, it did not matter much to me however. After all, I was fighting everyday and they rarely fought, it soon ceased after their continued defeat, until one day when walking home, I spotted the autistic boy, Gareth getting attacked by them. Perhaps, this was the first time my life had any meaning, I could protect someone who needed help, although he still feared me and would not talk to me, I realized the worth in protecting and helping another person, each day I would look for him during breaks and fend off anyone who caused him harm, eventually he built up the courage to approach me and invited me to a game a Chess.

After understanding how lacking I was in mental capacity, clearly enforced by my complete inability to play Chess or any other game we tried, he started to teach me basic things such as the times table, for once I learned the importance acquiring knowledge, I was not able to stand teachers due to them constantly looking down at me and seeing me as someone who was beyond help, however learning from someone who I respected was surprisingly easy. I discovered a great interest in computers after seeing one in the library and begged my dad for an Amiga. Surprisingly, the always angry and stressed father complied and bought one at once, I became engrossed into gaming and soon found myself able to understand the mechanics of how things work and a shockingly fast rate.

Age 11-14
Two years of learning and tranquility passed, Gareth was never attacked again and the previous bullies I was part of rarely approached me, as we moved up to secondary school, people branched out and extended their social circles, my previous two "friends" had both gone their separate ways and joined new gangs, within the first week I was attacked by two different large groups and found that I was powerless to stop them. Two years of not fighting had made me weak and they were very eager for their revenge. Upon their growing popularity, I was cast off by everyone else in the school and hated by all but a small group of goths who accepted me even though I was not interested in their music or style.

For four weeks I was beaten up everyday, at least twice a day. I had to walk two miles to and from the new school and would not be admitted into the library after the tutors learned of my past from Gareth who had become a student rep, granted he was trying to help me but by highlighting my issues, the tutors decided to not to allow violence to erupt in the library from those who may pursue me. It soon same clear that I had to fight back against these gangs, even so I could not hope to win against their numbers and epically with my strength. Instead, I plotted a more sinister solution.

With some broken glass from a nearby door, I cut into shallowly into my right cheek to draw a decent amount of blood, while the other students in my class were changing for P.E., Daniel, one of my old friends and the leader of one of the gangs which targeted me shared my P.E. class and would always wait for me in the changing room to start a fight. Knowing this, I put the glass shard in my pocket as well as a couple of solid stones and approached the changing room. As I open the door, he is the only one still there, deliberately waiting for me to fight like we always do, instead of going straight in, however I threw the stone at him and ran outside.

Enraged, he chased after me as we ran outside and into a nearby building, as I approach it I stopped to delicately open the glass door, and as Daniel approached, I shut it behind me in full force. He charged through the door shattering the already weak glass and fell to the floor. Quickly, I lay down also and pretend to cry as Daniel got up on his feat and punched me, a nearby classroom had congested into the hallway as well as teacher. Needless to say, he was expelled immediately after hearing my version of the story where he pushed me through the door and then proceeded to use the glass to harm my face.

No longer was I attacked multiple times everyday, though other bullies would often pick fights, I knew I could not frame them all and therefore had to find a different solution. The solution was to target the teachers, after all they refused to help me and shut me out of the library which is the sanctuary of many others. In every class I started questioning the teacher's methods of teaching, questioning their authority, and questioning their knowledge about their own subjects. With good reason, many became very angry, stressed or even broke down, I did not like doing this but it made the other students respect me and that was the only way I could avoid being targeted. So I became a clown, always fighting with teachers and rallying the students to take action against them, it was so easy to manipulate my peers that I started seeing them as sheep just waiting for orders for them to mindlessly follow.

Age 15-16
It had long came obvious that the only reason people were putting up with me was because they saw a fake side of me which I adapted to out of necessity, Gareth had grown distant, not sure what to make of me anymore and the goths I hung out with did not know what to think, I was clearly alone and would be for the rest of my school life. I was still amazed with computers however and found that there was barely any games which challenged me anymore, I had a dream to create computer games as they provided me with a sanctuary when I had nothing else all these years.

Soon after my fifteenth birthday I met a strange girl called Jeanette over the Internet, unlike the others girls which would often approach me, admiring this fake illusion of myself which I hated which knew me from school. This girl never said a word, she only listened and smiled, laughed or frowned. I told her everything, everyday we would have a webcam conversation over MSN and talk about my life, my thoughts, and the way I viewed things, although she never said a word, she was always interested in what I had to say. Although she would never answer questions, she would nod or shake her head depending on how she viewed the question, or when I asked her something which made her angry she would simply twitch her eyebrows. Strangely, I found her extremely cute.

A week after meeting Jeanette, she started replying with one word answers to my questions, three weeks after that, I kept trying to get her to build sentences and try to talk more normally, eventually she told me that she was Autistic and that she had no friends alike me and that she was about to commit suicide before meeting me as she had no social skills, could not walk, had no real strengths and could not focus on anything for an extended period of time. I spent a lot of time trying to council her after she finally started speaking and was relieved when she started to build some self-respect.

Knowing that she had a very painful life and is still very weak, I decided that I would dedicate my life to helping her, this person who I had never met was the most important thing in my life and was the reason I could enjoy my life, she was different from the masses of mindless zombies, although she was not very intelligent, she had a unique character and a strong will which I respected. We talked everyday, played games, found humour in trolling people on the Internet and became inseparable. One foolish day, I confessed my love for her, a person who I have not ever met and she apologized and said she couldn't return my feelings.

Granted, I was foolish and I got hurt in the process, immaturely, I removed all methods of her to contact me and withdrew myself for a full year. After playing Warcraft 3 to death for the last few years, I eagerly anticipated World of Warcraft which became my new escape.

Age 17-18
Finally escaping from school, I was now able to choose my own destiny and pursued my dream of wanting to create games, I soon found out that to do that you need to go to University on a four year course after two years of College (ouch!). Regardless, I accepted the challenge and enrolled onto a general ICT course in College. To get instantly declined, apparently Ds across the board is not quite College standards! I visited the College in person, found the teacher who was running the course and explained to her my issues at school and how it obviously effected my grades but displayed my sincere willingness to learn. Out of pity, she enrolled me into the course and I started the next chapter of my life.

Another obstacle appeared in regards to a bully in my class, not wanting to endure the same s**t for the all the previous years again, I got rid of him straight away through framing him as it worked so effectively before, but this time I did it in front of my entire class, risky but it sent a clear message that I was not going to take anymore abuse and surprisingly the class supported me in getting him removed from the course. I got back in touch with Jeanette who was extremely angry with me when I finally built up the strength to talk to her again as she thought I was dead. We soon made up and have been good friends since, I forsaken my selfishness and accepted her as the great friend she was.

I could not make any friends in College either and ended up being more reclusive, eventually I ended up clocking more hours into WoW than I did at College. The results were not good, I got a C overall for the course in the first year, during the second I took up extra courses to boost my grades so I could get into University, overall my addiction to WoW kept me from getting good grades and so I passed all my courses with average marks.

Age 19-20
Declined from University when enrolling onto a Software Engineering course, big surprise; went back into College and declared that I would resit the entire course and ace it so I could get into University, the tutors did not believe me but I signed the papers and enrolled back into it. A few days later I got a call from the University saying they'll make an exception for me as long as I did well in my first assignments upon entering the course. Having not wanted to be lonely throughout the next four years, I went to counseling session about social norms, body language and how to make friends. Upon starting Uni I forced myself to abide by this advice and made a group of four good friends which was an amazing achievement for me.

Software itself was a huge shock, although it was difficult and I knew it would be required to fulfill my dream to becoming a games designer, it was both insanely difficult and very engrossing. All four of us struggled with it, but together we learned how strengths and weaknesses and managed to cover each other well working as a small team. During these first two years of University, I was happy once again, I appreciated and valued my life and of my friends. Though throughout this, I still held a deep grudge of normal people.

During this time, I met someone who was very strange and reserved and reminded me much of how I was when I was suffering beforehand, throughout time I loved him as a friend however he saw me as a lover and confessed to me. Although I was not interested, I did not dismiss his feelings and thought I might be able to change my views and preferences, unfortunately this was not possible and has he grew to love me, I realized I was not interested in him sexually. Soon after, he threatened to commit suicide as I tried to break up with him, which was short lived as I called the police to stop him.

Soon after, he explained the reason why he was acting so rash was that he was suffering with cancer, I gave in and agreed to see him again and pretended to enjoy having sex with him out of pity, again hoping that I could change myself. The relationship continued for another year like this with me constantly fighting with myself, trying to change myself to support him, as I loved him as a friend and wanted to be able to see him as a lover, as he did to me.

Age 21
Within the third year of University, I got a work placement at one of a very large company creating Software systems, unlike my original dream of allowing people to find sanctuary in games, however, I made Software which reduced the need for as many people in the work place. I made Software which automates menial tasks, which tracks how people compare to each other in regards to efficiency, quantity and accuracy of their work. Through this Software, a lot of people were made redundant, a lot of people were found to be not as useful to a company as their manager's thought they would be and others simply did not have a job to do anymore since I could automate their processes with much better results.

In some retrospects, I hated myself for it; I was crushing the dreams of others, I was causing harm to people and their families by taking away their livelihoods. But at the same time, I found some grim vengeance in it, these people are people with very limited skill sets, people like those who made my life a misery in school. those who picked on the weak and now it was my turn to turn the tables. I spent a large amount of my time looking at business processes, weeding out irrelevant people and in some dark, twisted way I felt like I achieved something amazing as the business saved a large amount of money which would have been spent on their wages.

But the main reason I did it, was that my "partner" was dieing of cancer, he could of died at any moment, I needed to support him, spoil him and try to make his final days ones which were happy. At the same time, Jeanette looked like she was going to be disowned from her family, she had no skills and no assets at her disposal, she could not walk or focus on work. I had two people which were very important to me and I had to protect them, and to do that I needed money, of which came quite well from this position.

Later, he tells me that there is an experimental cure for his type of cancer and he said he will try to get the treatment no matter the risks, I respect his decision and on my way home from work one day, a few days after the operation, he calls and tells me his cancer is cured. Not even half an hour later, he calls again and breaks out dramatically confessing that he never actually had cancer and he was simply using it as an excuse to keep me with him as he just wanted to use me for sex. I spend the next week in disbelief while trying to counsel him while he bombards me with bible quotes of his new found religion and proclaims me as a sinner.

Age 22
Finally into the final year of University, deeply scarred by the recent charade of being abused as some freak's sex toy and after being morally wounded by my "success" at work, saving the company a ton of money, I write my dissertation as a near lifeless husk but portraying a strong image to my team at Uni due to wanting us all to graduate with great results. Jeanette, once again became my only reason for living so that I could support her if need be and therefore I carry on in silence.

I finally break down for a week after finishing my final exam, unable to do beforehand due to just finishing my year long work contract and then going straight into creating new software and doing my dissertation, all my sorrow and stress takes hold as I spend a full week locked away in my lonely house. After graduating University, I am awarded a special title in regards to my "outstanding efforts" and contributions towards how Software can be used to achieve great progress within a company from my experience during my work placement, funny isn't it? Being awarded a title for being a complete bastard and potentially ruining the lives of others in order for a company to make another million or two? Society sure has an interesting sense of humour... what kind of insanity is this?

After taking a four month break from University before going into work, I finally start in a new company, again creating Software solutions to improve business processes and efficiency. Why? Because its the only thing I am good at, its the only thing I can enjoy doing, I get some satisfaction out of improving situations even if it does mean that other people get laid off because they are no longer needed, I understand the price of progress and know that everything must evolve in order to survive.

Age 23
Half a year into my current job, I have lost any will to carry on with what I am doing, as I visit company property, the employees look at me as I am a threat, probably rightfully so, I am greeted with nothing but forced smiles. After all, what can I expect? I have been hated my entire life and the only way I could find a way to succeed in life was to turn it back on to others. Jeanette no longer talks to me, she does not explain why or even amuse me with a quick talk anymore, my University friends, although I left them in good terms, I still left the city and moved to another part of the country, no longer relevant in their lives.

Last week I created something which made two more people irrelevant, I visited their office to implement the Software, actually wanting to be challenged or even punched in the face for doing something which made them redundant, instead they talked to me as anyone else most likely pitying me, endured and did not even try to justify why they were needed. I have become too logical, too results based and so far away from humanity that I no longer respect the need or use for the masses.

The only questions in my mind as of now are:
* How is it that I have let myself become such an horrible person?
* What has it all been for? The money is useless, you cannot buy happiness, the people who I loved have left me and all which remains in a hollow man who knows only hatred.

Since you aren't looking for advice I thought i'd simply drop in an opinion. I don't think anything you've said makes you a horrible person on any level.

Society does that, you are not a bad person,i enjoyed your story, not in the way that it was all good, but i can relate to a bunch of things you said.

People said purpose in life is to study, get a job, get money, get a family and you will be happy, i dont understand this, i have study, i havent got a serious job, i havent got a girlfriend in 20 years(my whole life), and i dont really want to get a girlfriend because i think they are not going to accept the way i am, and the money is for nothing, just to call others attention, you buy things you dont need, to call people attentions you dont care.

As i said you dont seem like a horrible person, i can read that you are feeling concious for other people, i dont even have empathy for my parents or other people, i just respect them, smile, you have been through a lot of problems, but hey, it could be worse.

Thank you for your opinions.

Decided to take immediate action and posted my CV on the net and have three secondary interviews this week, all making non-management based systems so hopefully I'll have less impact on making people redundant.

I also provoked Jean and after half an hour of screaming at each other, we felt much better.

Feel sorry for my manager now though, he found out about me looking for work, a second interview last week already asked him for a reference (without my permission!). He hasn't talked to me directly about it yet, but has been hinting about future promotions for me. Hope I get an offer before we have a serious talk!