Feeling fed up

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Generally typing, I feel pretty downbeat. Nothing new about that. Depression is an old adversary to me by now. So, besides all the other crap I don't feel like typing about, in this moment at least. One thing in particular, is circulating inside my mind. I guess, I'm just posting this, to put it out there somewhere, into the ether, and try to let go a little. So forgive me this thread, its likely just a rant past this point.

Onto the subject at hand:

I hate my inability to socialize with others. I hate how much I struggle to keep any bonds of friendship going. I hate how rare it is, that I actually feel comfortable in conversation. I really truly despise, how most times, when I'm talking to someone, I'm just paranoid about running out of things to say, or how boring I must be, or how much I feel I talk about myself. I hate that I barely ever, feel like I have the strength, to even start a conversation with someone.

What often bothers me, is that, its not always because, I don't feel amicable towards someone, that I don't want to talk to them. There are some people in my life, who I would love to keep in touch with, and talk to regularly, but, for whatever reason, I just don't have the strength to do it.

Maybe its because, I've just done most of the talking in conversations, for, I don't know, the past 10 years of my life. I guess one could get tired of such a thing. Yet, then again, could I handle someone who always had stuff to talk on? Or would I just melt in the face of that? I think I have in the past. I suppose depression, and how unwell that can make you feel as well, probably makes me a lot more tired too.

I just feel so alone, so isolated, so unable to fight out of it. It hurts. A lot, if I'm being honest. Its so stupid, I've worked so hard, to become a better person, and not someone I hated. Yet here I am, feeling disconnected, and sad.

It hurts to know, that when I wasn't very nice, and arrogant, and maybe not so run down, I could remake friends kinda easily. The more I've observed, the more I think, life often seems to reward being unpleasant. Almost, a ready queue of people, to enable them to be that way. Yet, I strive to better myself, and I have to feel this way. I hate it. So, freaking, much.

Sorry for ranting on, thanks to anyone who took the time to read this. It isn't anything amazing, I know. So, yeah, thanks.

I completely understand that feeling as I feel almost the same thing. I myself hate my lack of a social life. My inability to talk to people correctly and the loneliness I suffer. I mean yeah, my suffering isn't that bad of course but I just feel alone and isolated like you. Especially in school as I have no one that I am friends with even if I try to make myself stand out. I lie to others as well as of how I truly am because I feel insecure about myself. How I will just get shunned as I have in middle school. All I can say for you is that if you are in high school, things will get better and if you're not but in college..I don't know. I would try to connect with you better since we are both aspies but sadly distance can be a problem.

I can only wish you the best of luck to get better as it could be worse for us both than now.

First up, thank you for taking the time to have a read, and respond.

I think it can be really difficult living with that side of things. As its tricky at the best of times. Want to make friends, but stuck feeling too inept, and lackluster to do so. Its a real pain.

I too, am aware it could be worse, and that it is for some out there. However, individually, I still have to face this, and how it makes me feel. Likewise for yourself, with whats going on for you, or indeed, whats not, for that matter. Of course, I'm grateful its not worse, as I already feel a little too close to the edge as it is.

As things stand for myself, I've been out of what would be the equivalent of high school here, for a few years now. I've just been sort of, drifting in and out of people's systems since then really. Trying to find my way I suppose. My ability to make new friendships of significance, has grown poorer with time, if anything. A worrying trend, I must admit.

I think I deceive a little too, as to my true personality. As in part, I just don't wish to alienate myself, any further than I feel already. On the whole though, I've managed to clean that up quite a bit. Its still not ideal, but, a lot better than what it once was.

I suppose, from where I'm sat, I'd say, don't lie to yourself too much. The thought that comes to mind, is that, if you've no real friends currently, why not be yourself? If your gonna feel isolated, you might as well try and have a little fun while its going on.
I don't know though, maybe I'm wrong, I suppose that's just me philosophizing about things.

Anyway, thanks again for responding, and I wish yourself good fortune as well

Most of what you wrote resonates with me and I understand most of the feelings you have had. I like being a recluse in my room; Yet at the same time I desire to go out into the world, but personal shortcomings and medical conditions I have no control over (Sensory Issues) make it quite difficult. As does having no social outlet to meeting new individuals with. Speaking with someone and constantly fearing that you shall run out of topics is something I experience as well. Too often do individuals just reply with, "Yes". "Okay" without contributing to my conversation, so I give up out of frustration and never reply. Does that happen to you too?

Being yourself is a great thing! Even the most flawed men in history, with undesirable traits (Not saying you do at all!) have managed to make a plethora of friends. Some individuals are even drawn to arrogance as long as you tone it down and make it 'confidence' as opposed to 'arrogance'. Recently I have accepted my isolation, yet this acceptance allowed me to become apathetic about social situations that I feel at ease when trying to message new people online now. If you're able. I'd start off practicing speaking to people online, if things go south... Well, nothing lost there. Once you feel completely comfortable online, trying to socialize more at school could help too.

Hello Comrade, thanks for taking the time to read, and respond back.

Its sorta nice to know, that I'm not the only one who feels like I'm gonna run out of things to say. I have wondered, whether its just me, or if other people run into this too.

To answer your question: Yes, I have had this happen on quite number of occasions. Its really very frustrating when it happens. As on a personal level, your there, trying to make an effort, be social, and keep the conversation flowing, and whats coming back in return for your paragraph of text, is, maybe not even a full sentence. This wouldn't be so bad, if the other person said more than "Hi" of their own accord, and maybe a "How are you?" if your lucky.

I think, before I became a little too broken down by life, I used to be able to ignore it for the most part, and do enough talking for both parties, in a one on one scenario. Its just the more broken down you get, the more energy that saps out of you, till you find yourself not even wanting to start conversation with someone, because you know the amount of energy, your going to have to expend to get anything out of it. So rather than have that conversation, you think things like: I don't have the energy, Its too much hassle, I'll have to do all the talking, Maybe next time, ect. Before you know it, you've not kept in touch with even people you like, for weeks, months, or even years, in some cases. Depressing though that is.

For me, what was once a seemingly easy process at one time(at least online), is now a slug fest, filled with more stress and hassle, than it is often worth. Especially the process of trying to meet new people. I just don't feel like I have the energy, nor confidence any longer. It's something my mind deems as, to be avoided. I do realize that's less than stellar, but, feel quite uncertain, of quite how to redress it.

Anyway, on the subject of arrogance, and the like: I don't think I can re-acquire that again any time soon. In part, due to my own desire to mould myself into a better person.(as I'd grown to hate who I was) Also, life, mistakes, and failures, have left me rather stripped, of most of the arrogance I once had. As well as some of the self esteem and confidence, that rightly or wrongly came along with that.

Its interesting to see you mention apathy. Its something I've come to know well. Although, alas in my case, it hasn't overridden my social awkwardness. I would imagine, that must feel a little freeing, to be able not to care about who's thinking what, and all other things that go with it. I think with me, I just feel apathetic towards socializing(at least to a reasonable degree). Besides a good friend of mine locally, I just don't do it in a hurry.

Although I am trying to fight against it a little, as this thread, and a messenger conversation recently, go to prove.

Forgive me for going on a bit. I typed on a little more than I was initially planning to. Answering your question, really got me thinking about it again, haha.

hooo boy do I know how you feel. There are very few people in this world that don't require a great deal of effort to socialize with - and when you do you feel completely drained afterward!