Why I am convinced I am on the spectrum still like opinions

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Ok I was born with a cleft lip and I received horrendous bullying all the way through school.

I am now getting close to my 40s.

I still live with my parent’s and I have never been in a relationship and I do not drive although I am trying to fix that right now.

I got the lip fixed I always believed my lack of social skills was due to the years of bullying.
When I got a computer and broadband almost ten years ago I discovered chat forums and I was thinking here is a way I can chat and not show my face.
I have been banned from many forums.

Forums dealing with technical stuff I seem to excel at however.

I never knew anything about Asperger’s and I knew very little about Autism until this year.

Here are things I have always known about myself however.

• I always made moaning sounds when I got frustrated or overloaded.

• Eye contact was a disaster for me and hated waiting rooms or public transport in which seats faced each other.

• I knew in my teens that I would never form a meaningful relationship and become a father.

• In every school or workplace I have been in I always fell to the bottom of the rung even when my lip seemed to be no longer an issue.

• My hand handwriting has always been very bad despite me trying to practice it.

• I have always gone off on long monologs.

• Loud noises flashing lights or chaos have always freaked me out.

• I was working in the one job for many years until it closed and I was a social disaster I was bullied and misunderstood.

• I had a manager pull me into his office and tell me that people said I was very rude and I said hurtful stuff this was a total shock for me.

• No matter how much I tried to engage with people I always messed it up.

• In any setting I have been anywhere at anytime in my life when I got talking to a person one on one if another person joined in I was bypassed and ended up silent.

• I have had many people say I was crazy or mad and turn on me.


• People have always taken advantage of me using me to go to the shop in work for example and maybe leaving me short and I would make up the difference.

• I remember thinking this exact thought a few years ago (Am I missing some sort of secret code that everybody else gets except me?)

• I have also wondered to myself if I was slightly ret*d or Autistic or something I had no idea what Asperger’s was much less that is was a kind of Autism.

• I have always had OCD and obsessive interests in science sci-fi Video Games Audio Video equipment and so on.

• The first time I heard the term Asperger’s was a few years ago a case in the UK in which a young man had hacked into the CIA and the US wanted him extradited. Part of his defence was that he had Asperger’s which I still had no idea what it was but his trouble in cyber space reminded me of myself.

• I spent a number of months unemployed in which I attempted to end my life with the use of a plastic bag over my head. I would always panic and take it off right as I felt my heart go into a irregular spasm.

• I tried a new method staying up for a very long time without sleep and then getting very drunk on Vodka using rubber bands around the bag using two fingers to hold it a little off my face and hoping when I passed out the bands would release and seal the bags.

• When my attempts failed and in-between attempts and using Google to try and help me find a successful way to end it all I also searched my symptom’s and my lot in life.

• Putting much of what I have written into Google in a very disjointed way I found Asperger’s and shortly after this site.

• I am now working again and I have been open about what I am 100% convinced I have. I am working on getting myself on the road and my depression has been replaced by a cautious but hopeful feeling.

• I have watched just about every Autism and Asperger’s video on the net I also read this board everyday now.

• Reading this board I see people posting things I only privately though about in my own mind much of my life.

• Still living at home being a social disaster and not being independent I was racked with guilt for years blaming myself for messing things up.


• Since leaning about Asperger’s I have learned to drop the guilt and start to leave my past in the past as much as I can.

• I am now setting myself goals like driving and becoming more independent.

• I have accepted the areas in which I fall flat and try and not worry about them anymore.

• I went to a shrink a few months ago who agreed that I am most likely an Aspie and he as referred my for a formal assessment that I am still waiting for.

• Having said all of the above it still bugs me that I do not have a formal diagnosis


Please share your opinions with me can anybody read the above and think that I am Neurotypical ?

Just to add to my above post.

I have never clapped cheered danced and I don't sing ever happy birthday makes me cringe when I have to listen to it.

I don't hug I don't kiss and I don't like to be hugged or kissed.

I don't like people waking behind me .

I never cry except when somebody close to me dies and then I only do it on my own and do it once.

Also I am very awkward and showing off my legs and feel naked in shorts.

Hello Sharkattack. Welcome to WP. It's nice to see how open you are about releasing so much intimate information about yourself. The nice thing is you can do that here and not be shunned or ridiculed. If you're suicidal you can even share that on WP. Folks will come out of the woodwork to give you support.

A lot of what you said relates to me. I've never had a cleft lip or palate, but I definitely know what it feels like being an outsider. I despised the high school bus so much I walked home the 3 and a half miles every evening because the students, or thugs, misbehaved like apes in a zoo. I've been fired from quite a few jobs and even quit a few. I just don't last in them. I find it hard to kowtow to a boss just for a paycheck like others do. I hate being talked down to. I'll quit on the spot if it happens. Suddenly changing schedules unnerves me.

One of the best things I did was getting an official diagnosis for my quirks and odd behaviours. It took a load off my chest, like a whole new world had just been revealed to me to explore. I still have extreme avoidance issues, though. Getting me to go out would require drugging me, throwing me in a sack, and dragging me to where ever people think I should go. I really do want to go to the Asperger's Meetup groups around here, I just can't find the nerve to attend. I guess all things in due time.

Thanks redrobin62 however I am feeling much more optimistic now.

My newest obsession is the Aspergers itself and I will not put it to the back of my mind until I get an official assessment.

It is nice to offload here and I hope I can take some part in helping more people like ourselves by sharing information and useful advice.

You post just planted a new idea in my head I am going to look into finding an Aspergers meet up group.

I'm not going to lie, reading your post and the first reply has made me tear up a bit. Thinking about the times when I was low and suicidal and thinking about now and how it feels to finally have an answer and really appreciating how much of a contrast it is from those moments. It's such a breath of fresh air to not only understand myself, but to have the company of others who do as well. It has certainly helped open up a new chapter in my life, no longer do I feel solely like a victim.

Hi and welcome! I'm new here too, and new to the idea of Aspergers, and currently just a self-diagnosed Aspie.

I've felt and have gone through a lot of what you've gone through and feel. Based on everything you've shared and by comparison to what I've read about Aspergers, I highly doubt you're an NT and I think it would be good for you to get an official diagnosis. The last few points of your first post are so very positive. I hope that you, like many here, learn to see yourself in a more positive light now that you have a better understanding of what could very well be the issue that you're dealing with!

Even if the assessment turns out "negative" for any kind of autism, you are still welcome here. If you aren't autistic, you are, at least, an autistic "cousin".