Aspergers & Love

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Hello. Just found this forum and I would love to get some feedback on my situation.

I started seeing a girl with AS. At first, I just thought she was shy and abit unfeeling. After much conversation, she told me she had Asperger's (autism on the low spectrum) and ADHD. I started reading as much material as I could about AS and now understand her behavior.

I know her favorite drink (Root beer) and candy bar (3 Musketeers). Her favorite color (purple). She's incredibly talented with making crafts. I'm a Graphic Designer, so I admire her skills. Anyhow, I'm always buying small gifts for her, but she very rarely says "Thank you." ... when I ask if she received a huge vase of autumn roses that I had delivered to her house, she just said, "Yeah, I got them."

She hasn't had a serious relationship in 10+ years, so I guess this is very new to her. She said no one has ever shown interest in her like I have. We spend a lot of time together playing board games (we work in the same building), but haven't gone on a serious date yet. Believe me, I've tried. We hug at work too.

She said she really cares for me and interested. I really don't want to mess this up. I can get used to her AS and I really care about her.

Thanks for any feedback you may have.

(Thread moved from Random to L&D)

Thanks for moving this topic to the right area.

Also, she never asks me any questions about myself. She loves it when I ask things about her though. What gives?

It doesn't come naturally to many spectrumites.
She might think that if you want her to know something, you'll tell her.
Just because she enjoys being questioned (has she said that?) doesn't mean she presumes you would.

Aspies tend to be more blunt and straight-forward, communicatively.
Interpersonally, NT's are all about making someone feel interesting and attractive through non-verbal cues, inquiring about them, etc.
I, personally, don't ever think to do these things. I think therein lies the point-
NT's don't HAVE to think about these things; it's a fundamental difference.
For me, communication is about sharing information.

She might not know what to say about the gifts.
I feel similarly-befuddled when my beau compliments my appearance.
I can manage a "thank you" sometimes,
but I'm too confused about what it means for it to sound very sincere.

Thanks for the info.

I'm completely smitten by this girl. She has the most beautiful eyes. I just want to make sure I don't blow this.

As for the questions, yes, she said I can ask her anything about her. Things like "what makes you angry?", "what are your goals?", etc.

Any advice?

Last edited by Colton on 26 Oct 2012, 1:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You might want to find out what her "language of love is." Google this. I am an Aspie, and so is my husband. He rarely buys me gifts, but since I don't really expect this it doesn't matter. He shows his love by doing things for me, such as combing my cat when she is beset with fleas, washing the dishes when I feel too tired, or watching a chick flick with me even if he doesn't particularly care for it. Some girls like presents, (chocolates, flowers, mushy cards, etc.) and will get visibly upset if you don't gift them on a a regular basis. As for me, I get confused and flustered upon receiving a gift, and am not sure how to respond, but am usually pleased. Aspies also struggle with reciprocity. If you compliment her, don't be surprised if she doesn't give you a compliment in return. We just don't see the reason for it, even though you have just given us one. Also, I would advise moving very slowly towards dating. Aspies can and will burn out on a new relationship and can than go into hiding for an indeterminate length of time. I have had this happen with casual friendships as well as romantic ones. We sometimes experience a loss of self if someone is coming around too frequently, and may need to withdraw periodically. Learn the warning signs of her feeling engulfed and give her lots of space. Good luck!

When it comes to the first kiss ... should I tell her that I want to kiss her?

So, is buying her gifts lost to her? Should I stop doing it?

I recall some of my gift just laying around. I would buy her a case of her favorite root beer and put it on her desk. I would attach a cute stuffed animal to it -- only to find the stuffed animal on the floor or under the desk as if it were discarded.

Other times is when giving her a "3 Musketeers" candy bar ... she would just take it without saying anything. :-\

I have fixed her laptop, installed new games, bought her Nintendo DS games and so much more. Rarely a smile. Just accepts them and wanders off.

She just turned 30 and I wanted to throw a very nice party for her at work. She loves Monopoly, so I created a big Monopoly theme and made signs and posters. Bought her favorite cake (chocolate) and ice cream (chocolate chip). Bought her a very rare Beanie Baby she didn't have and a Nintendo DS game that she always wanted. I sent birthday flowers to her house. I easily spent over $200 on everything ... and it all went unnoticed (at least to me).

Am I doing something wrong? Am I a horrible person or something?

Last edited by Colton on 26 Oct 2012, 1:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hm, your post didn't contain any question. What exactly do you want to know?

I don't know about her or if it's a general autistic attribute, but I'm even uncomfortable asking questions like "how are you?".
Previously (a few years ago), I didn't even know I was supposed to ask such questions.

So there are several possible explanations for her behavior. In any case, you should ask her direct questions and not wait for nonverbal hints.
How exactly did you ask for a date?

Sounds sensible.
(Disclaimer: I've never been in a relationship with anyone, so I don't know what it's like.)


Did you ask her if she liked them?

I asked if she'd like to go bowling sometime. No date has been set (by her).

Either that, or what happens here:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38x6kWB-xD4[/youtube]
(Don't take it too seriously, but it describes the Aspie-way of thinking pretty well.)


And she declined? Maybe she doesn't like bowling.

you know.... when it comes to kissing, I would think it sounds awkward to even ask. I also understand that it may be even more awkward if you try and surprise her with a kiss and she doesn't seem to want it. For me personally and being a guy, the most recent girl had to make the first move in that regard.

She didn't decline ... just never set a time/date.

First kiss ... an AS girl would make the first move???

Okay, a little more info ...

I've been spoiling this girl for MONTHS with gifts. A week ago, we were playing a board game and I asked her about us being a couple and make it official. She muttered something about our age gap and didn't want to talk about it anymore. Well, I took it as she wasn't interested in me and wanted someone closer to her age. She's 30. I'm 45.

Later that night, she contacted me on Facebook and begged me not to end our friendship and that what she said was because of her AS condition. She wants more time to consider all things and that we could have a relationship at some point. She thinks of me as her best friend and I'm the only one she can talk to about her problems (except her parents). So, I forgave her and we started talking and playing board games together again. I still spoil her too. She said she has never had anyone show so much interest in her in her whole life. She only had one short relationship ten years ago. Nothing serious.

When we are alone, she likes to get close to me. When people show up - she moves away.

Please ... help me understand.

My AS boyfriend will often not comment on cards and notes I leave hidden for him. I asked him once if it was too much and should I stop? He said he absolutely LOVES them and asked me to please keep doing it. He never said thank you for anything either until I told him it lets me know you appreciate things I do.

That's helpful, Lori.

I really care about her and she knows. She always tells me that she never had anyone care enough to be interested in her.

We have a lot in common. We both love to play board games/computer games. One time, we were playing Aggrivation (board game) and she was eating something at the same time. Well, she put the dice in her mouth and rolled a Funyun. We both laughed at that.

Did you actually ask this as a question, or did you just say that you liked bowling? I don't get big hints, but if the question is asked directly - I get it.

I told her I would like to go bowling with her. She said she would, but she had to check her schedule ... that was two weeks ago.