Coping mechanisms

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When I was a teenager in the 90s Autism was hardly spoken about in my school let alone Aspergers. By the time I reached 15/16 I realised I was different. I seemed to have different interests and hobbies to other kids. I never went to school discos and never had one conversation with a girl let alone a girlfriend. I assumed they would come to me. One teacher called me ignorant, loudly, in front of a class because I was blocking the route to her desk. The thing is I didn't know she was wanting to get by as I had my back to her. I got bullied a lot and by the time I left sixth form for University to do a music degree I again assumed that everyone there would be like me. This was not the case and I eventually dropped out and got diagnosed with depression.

Anyway the point of my post is I developed coping mechanisms during these years. They were only short term which I suppose led to getting depressed. I would go out my way to avoid people and ignore them. I would sit in strategic positions in class and plan all journeys out. When I had free periods in the sixth form I would either walk home (15 mins each way) or sit in a quiet alcove in the library. The main body of the library contained the smart, clever, kids in neat cliques that felt alien to me. School never really challenged me apart from A level psychics. I didn't like the teacher. She was young and liked to brag how she was always drinking/partying and once said to another teacher she thought I was on cannabis. I wasn't. I was the only kid ever to do A level music in the school's history. The teacher was ex army and very stern but I reckon I knew as much as him. On music history not so performing, or theory. Looking back I always wonder why no teacher ever took me to one side and actually talked to me. I suppose they thought I was the complimentary oddball, yet they had invested a lot of resources in me.

Coping mechanisms work well in the short term but they have always led to breakdowns. It has been an inevitable pattern throughout the last 20 years.

I wonder how others have coped or are coping. Especially if you are not yet diagnosed or went to school before autism was made more aware to people.

Thank you

I can relate to virtually everything you've been through. I've made it for 60 years before self diagnosing. I had major depressions and breakdowns in my 20's after leaving uni. I finally turned my back on NT society, I just couldn't force myself into that system. I'm now self employed in a niche area of the entertainment business. It's an extension of my obsession, so motivation isn't any issue. It has been a hard lonely road, but I have only had very occasional and relatively mild depressive periods since. I can deal with people on a superficial daily basis if there is a definite purpose, but cannot fit in with general social activities. I avoid them and accept that aspect of myself. I've got used to being misunderstood, it hurts, but I can still laugh at myself.
I think you have to be brutally honest with youself, and try and root out exactly what is triggering the breakdowns. Then make a decision to see if you want to walk away from it or try to see it from a different perspective.

I can identify with a lot of what you write here. I am probably about the same age you are and felt the same way. I also spent my time at school alone because no one wanted anything to do with me, and didn't get the "cliques". Sadly my huge school was served by a tiny library which was always packed full at breaktimes, though I would go there in my free periods in sixth form. However, I spent most of my time in high school outside lessons walking around the school in circles, because there was nowhere for me to go and stopping anywhere by myself was an invitation to bullies.

My coping mechanisms led to breakdowns as well. I was so rejected by others that I avoided people whenever it was possible and often when it wasn't (meaning I avoided things I needed to do because it involved social situations which caused me massive anxiety). It seemed the only way to spare myself the pain and humiliation being with other people caused me. At the worst point of my life, the first time I lived away from home by myself, I was so socially phobic that I was not even able to feed myself properly because shopping for food was too distressing, and I lived on instant noodles and crisps from vending machines. I had a kind of mental and emotional breakdown that year and had to get help. A decade later I have moved on a long way from that but still have a long way to go before my life will be anything close to "normal".

I don't have any answers for you since I'm still working on it myself and have just started looking to get assessed for an ASD. But you're certainly not alone in your experience.

Thank you for your responses. Really where I used to work felt like school just with older bullies. I find that if I try to be myself and strip away any pretence I really am an introverted oddball. But I can't stop being avoidant and a social phobic. At work people knew I was an easy target because I had a nervous twitch, which of course got worse when anxiety increased. I couldn't pick up a cup of coffee without shaking and was really clumsy. Sometimes the boss would stroll up to me, I'd say hello, but he would just look at me right in the eyes for a few seconds and go 'Hmmm.', and stroll off again. This confused the hell out of me but again he could sense this so did it all the more. It didn't help being in a near all male environment where we were all manual labourers. The only conversations permitted where sex and work gossip. I used to long to talk about my interests but if I mentioned anything I'd get shouted down or asked if I had swallowed a dictionary. I don't know how I have put up for it for this long. I broke down at work this April and told one of the antagonists to F*** Off three times. He just laughed at me.

Do we really stick out to NTs as much as we may think we do? I've got a funny walk and have to keep rubbing my toes with the heel of my other foot as I walk along. Sometimes people shout at me from their cars when I walk along the pavement. I don't get it.

It is a relief to know that there are others out there who understand.

Thanks again.