Advice for NTs married to Aspies

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If you could only give one piece of advice to your NT spouse who loves you very much and wants you to be happy, what would it be?

Great subject.. just wanted to make sure I get the notifications on the responses. I have learned so much from the awesome people on this site. I can honestly say my relationship went from really good to better than I ever imagined possible by taking the advice here and applying it.

I've been married 7 years to my NT spouse and been diagnosed nearly a year.

We are still ironing out the kinks of misunderstanding, its a long long process. If I could say one thing though its have patience and try to be specific in your choice of language.

I've been married for 8 years to my NT wife. She has had more than a few frustrations with my manifestations but despite that we are still on good terms with each other. So the best advice I could give, based on my own experience, is to not sweat small mistakes that your Aspie partner might make, as they are simply due to not getting the gist of a situation as intuitively as an NT might, so they give an inaccurate response - one that is otherwise grounded in good intentions - but the consequences of that misjudgement in terms of personal loss or suffering is usually very small in the grand scheme of things, so don't let it get to you. i.e. don't be overly critical that "everyone else gets this why can't you..."

I agree Jayo. I usually master the "don't sweat the small stuff" when there is a miscommunication. If anything, I feel badly for failing to speak in concrete terms. Fortunately, he is patient with me as well.

To an NT spouse I'd say: SPEAK YOU MIND, say flat out what it is you're feeling/thinking. Don't magically assume I "get" what you're trying to imply, and don't take offense if I don't interpret your nonsense correctly.

And on the same token, if you misunderstand something I've said, or don't know how to interpret what I've said, ASK FOR CLARIFICATION before assuming the worst and jumping to defensive/emotional retaliation over a misunderstanding.

I'm in a mixed relationship.

I say:
"Don't take my lack of physical or verbal affection as indicative of a lack of love. I worship the ground you walk on, and you have only to tell me what you need and I will try my best to comply."

Tell him what you want. And for the love of God please do not ask if the dress makes you look fat unless he has learned how to suck up.

That is tooo funny... Sometimes a girl really needs another opinion. It use to drive me crazy because no matter what I had on if I asked how it looked he would say "it's ok" Then we would go out and I would see pictures and say... that looked awful! Why didn't you say something. lol.. I have learned I have to draw out the question more. "I have other things I can wear but I am unsure of this one. Does it look nice or should I try on something else." He WILL NOT say anything that could potentially hurt my feelings or make me mad... even though I just so happen to be that rare female that prefers honesty over being told something someone thinks I "want" to hear. He will not discuss my weight either lol

*sigh*

This!
10, 000 times over, This!

I don't think this always applies. I have been try to be blunt with my aspie husband, and it always goes badly. It may be because he suffers from depression as well as aspergers, but if I tell him I even have a different opinion or even a different preference (even something as little as saying I prefer to have my cookbooks in the kitchen where I cook instead of somewhere else) ends up with him taking it as an attack on him personally and he gets angry and hurt, and I have to soothe him, and do whatever he wants each time just to make him happy. Even when it's something petty to him and something serious to me.

For example, we could want a different colour painted wall in a room, and if I said "I prefer blue to white" and he had said he liked white, he'd take it as a personal attack. That by saying I prefer blue (even if I said white is nice but I think blue looks better), he'd be hurt and angry.

and omg don't get me started on asking for clarification. I'm slightly deaf and I've explained that to him. He talks really really really softly and if I ask him to repeat himself because I haven't heard it, he gets mad and sometimes refuses to even respond or just grunts "whatever". If I do him and ask him to explain, again he takes it as a personal attack if I don't understand what he means. He can say some things which are incredibly hurtful and if I ask what he means he refuses to tell me. Just answers "doesn't matter".

It might not matter to him, but it matters very much to me. And telling him this just makes him stopping talking altogether, sometimes for hours.

He has been diagnosed with aspergers for years and accepts it, but he doesn't accept his communication problems. He constantly blames it on me having an inability to communicate. And don't get wrong - I have aspergers traits, not officially diagnosed, not enough probably to get a diagnosis, but I have trouble understanding people at the best of time (combination of being socially awkward and difficulty hearing) but I have a LOT of aspies in my life, and I do not have any trouble understanding of them ever. I find the majority of aspies to very understandable, very logical, very rational. But I find my husband even harder to understand than the most complicated NT I know - even more complicated than my family who are very messed up people.

I love him, but I've spent most of my honeymoon crying because he won't listen to me when I'm extremely blunt and I'm trying hard to listen to him but he refuses to talk. And it hurts that he's blaming the communications problems on me.

I am EXTREMELY blunt and direct for his sake. I'm blunt and direct normally because I'm used to dealing with people who can't follow simple instructions. So knowing his aspergers, and advice from his family and friends, I give extremely clear, concise instructions.

For example.... around two months ago I said to him he could borrow my car to pick up a hard drive for his mum's computer and fix it for her that morning on the condition that (this is what I said): "I have an appointment at 1pm and it's an hour drive to the appointment. We must leave no later than midday. DON'T go to your brother's house after your mum's house because we don't have time. Try to be back at my place as soon as possible, but absolutely no later than midday. I'll be asleep [I had surgery the day before] and will need waking up. don't try to call me to wake me up because I'll sleep through it".

At 1pm after dozens of calls to his mobile over the previous two hours which he didn't answer, I finally got hold of him but he couldn't understand why I was really mad.

He hadn't forgotten - he just assumed I'd text him when I was ready for him to return my car. Ignoring that he wasn't answering his phone anyway (which I pointed out), I was VERY clear. And I had said to him at least 20 times my appointment was at 1 and we had to leave by midday to get there. He also knew I'd had surgery the day before and that I couldn't wake up on my own so I'm not sure what possessed him to think I'd even been able to text him.

He was mad at me for being mad at him because I supposedly shouldn't be mad I ended up being two hours late for my appointment because of a "mutual communication issue".

I couldn't have been more blunt and clear with what I'd said if I'd put it up in neon lights on gigantic billboard right in front of his face.

This keeps happening. I saw we have to be somewhere important at a certain time and then he doesn't turn up and says it's both of our faults because we're not communicating between us. This is ridiculous because it's not true.

I have a ten year old daughter with autism from my first marriage. She has hit puberty and is deliberately difficult (as all teenagers are) as well as having serious aspergers, and even she has no problems following my instructions. I have extremely difficult family members including my dad who is an undiagnosed aspie - he is rude, difficult (on purpose, not because of being an aspie), selfish, doesn't listen, and yet I don't have half the communication problems with him that I do with my aspie husband.

Please keep in mind when reading advice that it's not the same for all aspies. The combination of aspegers, depression and low self esteem means that my aspie husband cannot handle me speaking my mind at all, even to voice a different preference on something unimportant to him (even when it's important to me and needs to be said), and nor can he handle being asked for clarification.

I'm just so sick of being blamed for our communication problems. I couldn't be any blunter if I hit him with a sledgehammer. He just doesn't listen. He's used to living alone and doing his own thing and nothing I say can make him see why this needs to change now we're married and living together.

I'm NT, but I agree with this advice so much. I wish I knew earlier, but my years of experience finally made me realize that I must be straight-forward and overcame any embarrassment I had over what I had to tell him. I now tell everything and it's actually so much better than with another NT, all the games and indirect stuff we NTs do.

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I'm NT, but I agree with this advice so much. I wish I knew earlier, but my years of experience finally made me realize that I must be straight-forward and overcame any embarrassment I had over what I had to tell him. I now tell everything and it's actually so much better than with another NT, all the games and indirect stuff we NTs do.[/quote]

I completely agree with you. I had a lot of embarassment to overcome to be able to be direct and ask for specifically what I wanted or needed. It has been interesting to me to discover that the harder I worked at doing this now the less I need to. I think it is often our Aspies spend so much effort trying to desipher what things mean and what we are tying to say that they get confused and then get it wrong and get frustrated. I think in an NT/AS relationship, at leas in the good ones, both parties try harder to figure out the needs of the other based on the knowledge they have that they process differently. NT/NT relationships don't always realize that they too are speaking two different languages and never take the time to figure out what they other person means so they keep on misunderstanding and butting heads.

ButterflyWings80.. I do not claim to be an Aspie expert but I do, by nature, tend to pick up on patterns and notice when something falls outside a pattern. Your difficulties with your husband seem to me to not specifically be Aspie issues. I realize AS is a spectrum and those with it fall in different areas but for the sake of my explanation lets just say there are two basic groups of Aspies. The Sheldon Cooper type that require very specific systems to be able to function and those who are more likely to go undiagnosed because they are somewhat able to adapt to the NT world and though still have specific Aspie needs they are not quite as rigid. From those who fall into the Sheldon Cooper catagorie who have posted here those needs are beyond their control. If they need the cookbooks to not be in the kitchen they just can't deal with them in the kitchen. They would like to, but just can't. It is not about wanting it their way because people in general want things their way it is because it deeply disturbs them to not have it that way. Based on your discription of your situation it does not seem your husband NEEDS. He just wants it his way and he knows you will give in. Also, his behaviors seem to be very deliberate, and his excused don't match up with Aspie behavior IMO. If he remembered your apt with the doctor and the conversation he would not have assumed you would text when you were ready to go because you gave him explicit directions on how the situation was to be handled. He simply chose to not do what you asked of him not because he didn't understand what you needed. Again, this seems very anti Aspie to me. If he had said he was focused on what he was doing and forgot I would say Aspie, but he said he didn't forget. I have two theories and most likely it is a combination of the two. One is he is just a self centered jerk who uses AS as an excuse to get his way or Two it is a passive agressive response to your way of communicating with him. There is a HUGE difference between being "Blunt" and being direct. And if you normally speak to him the way you discribed the explanation of the doctors apt I can see where he may feel some real resentment toward you. I believe your intentions are thoughtful and you are trying to communicate the way he needs but honestly to me it sounded like you were talking to an idiot who does not have the grasp of basic concepts and the fact that you went over and over what he needed to do and why may have come across as you don't think he has the intelligence to grasp basic concepts. I had a situation myself where I was discussing where to put our daughters jacket. My thinking was I always left it on the doorknob but in trying to keep our home neater I was going to hang it in her closet but he would not necessairly think to look there since that is not where it normally was. When I was asking him where the best place for me to put it was he said "do you really think I am an idiot? I did put her coat on her this morning." Because I often put things in places to help him remember them he thought I was saying he was too stuipd to know to put a coat on a 2 year old when it was cold. I explained about the doorknob and closet and he chose the door and it was fine. I think if you had said "you can use my car but I have a doctors apt and we need to leave the house by noon. I need you to be home at 11 to wake me up. With the surgery and my medication I am afraid I will sleep through the alarm and don't want to miss my apt." The other way you just sounded controling and condesending. I am sure he feels as a grown man he doesn't need you to tell him not to go to his brothers house, and it really didn't matter where he went as long as he was home in time to wake you up. Plus you gave him a lot of unneeded information which, I have discovered is almost as bad as not being direct. I think you need to talk to and listen to one another a little bit. When you want something some way and he seems to be trying to be difficult ask him to explain why he needs it to be that way. On another thread wall colors were discussed. As an NT I thought dark colors on walls was dreary and made a room look smaller and light bright "clean" colors were more appropriate but EVERY Aspie who responded to that discussion prefered dark colors on walls and found them comforting. So sometimes him seeming to just be contridictory may have a reason to him that he just hasn't shared with you. The biggest thing to think about is Blunt can come across as mean/bossy/controling and I am sure that is not your intention. Let him know you are trying to be understanding and make sure he has all of the information. I try to follow these three rules when I need him to understand something. 1. What do I want (for him to be home to wake me up at 11)
2. Why do I wantit (will sleep through the alarm and I have a dr apt)
3. How do I want it to happen (please come home at 11 and wake me ups so we can leave the house at noon for my doctors apt)

That is all that he really needs.

^^^
I'm with Lori on this one.
What you are describing isn't issues with aspie traits, but rather issues with personality traits - the two are totally separate things. Aspie traits you can find ways of coping with, managaing, or putting them to good use in another form or finding away around the issue. Personality traits, on the other hand - are there to stay.

I learned about "hard truth" when my son was diagnosed. He saw a commercial on TV for Hydroxycut (a weight loss supplement.) He came running into the room, joyful, and told me that for "only $39.99" I could take these pills and be "normal."

I know he meant to help, but my 30 pounds of extra fat were a bit embarrassed. I just remind myself he said it with love; he did not intend to hurt my feelings.

How can an NT tell when an Aspie is having difficulty understanding or communicating and when an Aspie is being difficult on purpose? Any cleaar signs an NT could detect?