Cool I feel like sh*t.

Post Reply New Topic

So watch me express my feeling like s**t and piss someone or another off, so I can feel even more sh*tty about myself for not being able to just keep it on the forums and in my head instead of mentioning it IRL only to piss people off. I honestly think if I had a gun I'd probably be considering shooting myself with it right now. Just bothers me I already know how its going to go today........I'm already in a sh*tty mood, so when my friend gets up I'll already be in a kinda bitchy/irritated mood and am bound to say something they take wrong and go off the deep end about, or they will say something and I will do that.

And of course that stupid whatever sort of thinking it is has me fairly convinced that the reason my friend has not gotten up yet is because they already know this and are trying to avoid me and my crap as long as possible.....probably not true, and then if I said 'you probably just slept in to avoid me.' then how do you think that's gonna go over?

I mean I am a terrible friend to my friend, a terrible sister to my brothers and my sister, a terrible daughter for my parents to have.....I just add to my moms stress at home. I always end up accidently blowing off my dad or just can't deal with him at that moment cause I don't want to hear him b***h about this 'girlfriend' of his I hope he finally cut ties with. And I swear if one more person says I am 'letting' the negative thoughts and such get to me this much or that i don't want to see the positives I am pretty sure I will either slam my head in the wall or punch them in the face or something.

Do people think I already don't feel bad enough about being to pathetic and weak to fight away the negative thoughts with my supposed intelligence? Do they honestly think I like not being able to enjoy things........and sometimes I do see the good things but I feel distant and separate from them like I can't take part in fact it can be worse if there is a lot of good positive things because then it intensifies the feeling even more.

Then to top it all off it seems I am finding friends/close family to be not so understanding after all........I mean I thought I had a few people in my life I could trust but then even they have gotten to the point of just repeating the same BS phrases of how it gets better how you have to take the power back(not sure I had that to begin with) and stop letting those symptoms interfere even though none of them even believe it themselves. Now I just feel back at square one no one IRL I am comfortable really opening up to once again though it took quite some time to open up to the few people I did but now that's gone..........stuck not knowing what to say or afraid to say it due to not wanting to cause problems.

Really nine view already, I guess even the first sentence was a bit much.......so I don't blame anyone for not reading the whole thing and quickly running away after viewing it. I have no on left IRL either.

Read the whole thing. Didn't run away.

Read the whole thing of what?...so far your response telling me to read the whole thing which unless you mean my own posts does not make a lot of sense since all you said is no ones run away but I suppose I am not entirely convinced since now its up to like 45 veiws and mostly --------. Sorry just confused, and was trying to talk about some of this some you know vent a little before I end up pissing off IRL people with it.

I mean edit* 60 veiws and one comment if people already don't like me or are just fed up with hearing about me and my problems its not like they have to view the damn thread just to show me how many people took a look and didn't give a crap.

Sorry, maybe I should have put "I read the whole thing".

Oh I suppose that makes more sense, thought you wanted me to read something.

I'm not always the greatest at expressing stuff. I was just letting you know someone was here.

Ah I see, well thanks.

Edit: Good luck with your life. You are doing better than me anyway.

Last edited by MisfitAmongMisfits on 12 Nov 2012, 3:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That seems kinda like what I would do in some situations just sit there and wait till maybe someone realizes there is a problem...though I would be maybe more likely to get frusterated and start throwing or kicking things after a while of 'no one caring'. Also, I realize people probably aren't not replying out of spite.......I mean it can take a while to post and not everyone knows what to say to every thead, but thats another example of that stupid negative thought process thing with a personality of its own I can't seem to get rid of trying to convince me it has to be out of spite and not caring rather then not knowing what to say........or taking some time responding which are probably more likely.

Though I would say I many times reach the point when I feel like death would be preferable. I feel like I should honestly get myself in a psych ward soon.....I just feel it would be best to wait till one of my next appointments though and just tell them about the suicidal urges cause I just don't see myself being able to hop on the bus, then navigate to the emergency room of a hospital and then somehow express I am suicidal though by then I would not know what to say and I feel like I'd just make an idiot of myself. Also if I mentioned it to the doctor or therapist maybe that would decrease my chances of 'running away' since if I say I am likely to kill myself they are likely to not really give me the choice to just leave and go home. I suppose the thought scares me to though which is why thus far since I've been considering this I chicken out about telling the doctor or therapist that though I don't have an exact plan I have been feeling more and more suicidal for like a month every time so then they just send me on my way, then it just keeps getting worse. Also I have financial concerns about it since I am broke and have no income. Hey at least having no income makes it harder to use the excuse of 'but if I just get drunk or high that should keep me good for a couple days.' I can't exactly afford that.

Edit: Good luck with your life. You are doing better than me anyway.

Last edited by MisfitAmongMisfits on 12 Nov 2012, 3:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Then I worry about the cost of that to....and I know its not idiotic to ask for help but good luck convincing my entire mind of that.

Woah I went through this whole thread.. Sounds like the story of my life a couple of years back.

How I got out of it? I really do not know. Maybe because I moved out to another country to study and learned to cope because if I didnt I would be a goner..(this is a terrible way to express it but still)..Maybe I managed to get a fresh start because of all the new people..
But I have effectively shut out all people in real life so nobody gives me BS anymore.. at the same time, nobody is here to give a damn about me either.
Right now I am engulfed in this morbid fear that one or two people I still choose to talk to, would leave soon and I would be left all alone..

About suicide help.. So talk to your therapist about it. I understand that asking for help is extremely difficult with a head like this ( no offense meant.. i am like this too).. But think of the tiniest of silver linings for which you want to live and derive the courage out of that to ask for help.

I do not know how much this helped.. Take care!

Oh and to top it off I am so ret*d I can't even ask people simple questions simply because I am not exactly close to them or whatever so then I freak out like an idiot because I am confused about the situation......and everyones so quick to just get back to what they were doing regardless of how anxious I am getting even if I am starting to get into that stupid 'piss people off mode.' Because that is how f****ing annoying and useless I am.

I've been feeling like this the past few days, an awful son and friend - I feel like I don't deserve them a lot of the time and that they're just putting up with me. I feel like even my closest friends barely understand my situation & past, I feel very lonely irl even more so when I'm with my friends or loved ones. At least I can keep myself busy though. Blargh I should probably get away from The Haven for awhile, makes me think and think and think when I don't need to.

Yeah that's basically it in a nutshell.......and yeah I want to try and take care of some of my issues, but its hard for me to admit my wrongs without totally beating myself up about it and thinking it makes me some terrible person. For instance my brother could say I am being 'self centered' which might be true at the time he says it.....but then I'll take as him saying I am just a horrible selfish person that only cares for myself but then he'll explain even he is self centered sometimes and a criticism is not always meant as an insult. I just take things really personally I mean even when talking to a therapist i start getting edgy if they start talking to me about flaws on my part that if I worked on might help with some of the other issues.

I just wish I could hear people out and not always assume they have bad intentions and totally jump of the deep end and act like I am being aggressively insulted or attacked.....I mean I have gotten pissed at people close to me because I care about them and feel they are doing something thats not in their best interest, so I should be able to rationalize its a lot of times the same if someone close to me gets pissed at me or criticizes me for something.

But yeah its like someone could say something with good intentions and I wont take it that way.......like another thing that comes up with my brother is I get really down on myself and come off as self loathing so I might start going on about why I am a terrible person and he'll say 'quit the self loathing.' when really he probably just wants me to mellow out so we can enjoy our time instead of listening to me say a bunch of insulting things towards myself. He doesn't actually mean 'stop feeling how you feel.' more just drop it for a while because he himself struggles with depression so its hard for him to deal with someone going on and on about it. I mean I am far from perfect so I should try and keep in mind no one else is either so not everyone is going to have a way of helping me. But then its hard to open up to a therapist, making an effort to do so though.