Explaining or Educating

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My best friend of over 5 years does not believe I have Asperger's.

I think she's under the impression that "autism" is characterized by a specific set of traits, most of which I admittedly do not exhibit. I have tried to explain that AS is high-functioning autism and that the reason I don't always come across as having AS or autism is that I cope fairly well.

I suppose it doesn't help that she's known me for a long time and seen me change a lot. I pointed out that she's a lot different than she was at 14, when I first met her, and that we still get along. Granted, me having Asperger's clearly doesn't compromise our friendship, but the fact that she straight-out does not believe I have it bothers me greatly.

How am I meant to explain this to her? I don't like making excuses for anything and certainly have no need to "justify" the way I am naturally, but this seems like such a trivial thing to write off. She is pretty much neurotypical. She's been through a lot of unfair crap in her life and dealt / deals with it very well. She's said she thought she was borderline bi-polar (this came up when I mentioned I thought I was as well) but realized she is not. Neither am I. She has ADHD, same as I do, but beyond that, her brain functions totally normally.

I'm convinced that's why we get along. Opposites attract, they say. She's like a sister to me (that is, nothing romantic would ever happen or has ever happened between us - the thought is just plain weird!) and is always there when I need her. I just don't understand why I can't convince her I have AS.

I think it's because I force it down and don't display my Asperger's-influenced quirks and stuff like that. I mean, I have all the social symptoms, but everyone suffers from social anxiety to some degree and she's convinced the only reason I think I have AS is because I have a "negative outlook" and don't try hard enough to overcome my faults, which she thinks I blow out of proportion.

It hurts when she says stuff like that, because she's not even wrong. But how am I meant to explain that I can't overcome some things entirely because of AS? I deal with most of it so well that most people don't even know I'm an Aspie. It just seems like we go in circles.

Sorry this turned into such a long post. Any thoughts are appreciated

Perhaps you can try educating her about people with high-functioning autism/aspergers. If it doesn't affect your friendship then it shouldn't matter. Are you undiagnosed? Perhaps you can try seeking the a diagnosis for aspergers if that is important to you. Try seeking a professional opinion to justify if you have aspergers or not?

I experianced the same thing, funny thing is that I would tell people I had aspergers, they didnt always believe me because back then I didnt explain it well. Once I learned how to explain things well, people believe me more. Ironically now I have better social skills then i had back then. So it all doesnt make sense. The only thing I really have on me now that I tell people is, if you met me back in high-school, it was a hell of a lot more obvious. Which is true I suppose.

Back during my freshman yr in college, my roommate didnt believe I had aspergers. But then I was insensative and pissed her off a lot at times. She didnt believe in theory but my unempatheticness was pissing her off. Which I realized only later. So in a sense, if I had pointed out that those things I did was attribed to aspergers, it would make more sense. So perhaps you can explain things you do or did in the past and explain how that ties in. But then NTs have a tendancy to justify things and say "well everyone does that" or "a lot of people around here are weird and socially awkward". Yeah so theres that challenge.

For seeing it, it all happens on the inside. So it is hard to "see" it. But making her understand? Maybe a book on Aspergers? I ordered one now recently and I hope that by giving this to my friend, might open his eyes.

My mother is like that (with books). She's actually the one who initially "diagnosed" me when I was about 15. Being 15, I blew her off and refused to believe her because well I was kind of stubborn and ignorant. She has a doctorate in pharmacology and is extremely well-educated about any kind of neurological difference - learning disabilities, ADHD, autism, you name it, someone in our family has it. I'm the only Aspie though. My father probably is but doesn't acknowledge it. Interestingly, my friend also doesn't believe my father has AS either.

My social skills are SO much better than they used to be. Prep school was rough for me socially. College is too, but in different ways. I have a few close friends and consider myself very lucky. I know I have a support system. My fraternity brothers all know I have AS (yes I am in a fraternity!) as do most of my other friends. Most of them either don't know fully what it is or don't care (or both). I'm fine with that.

I do need to sit down and talk with her just to explain that it's simply part of who I am, like my sexuality or my learning differences/disabilities. Of course, she's also convinced I'm a bit of a hypochondriac...so there's that battle as well.

Probably your classic case of 'you're functioning well so you can't be autistic'. Explain to her that autism is a spectrum and it comes in many different levels. Then explain to her that "I have aspergers which is in the mild / high-functioning end of the spectrum", and that "I'm better off than most people with autism, but I still have autistic tendencies/behaviors.", or something like that. Give her analogies of the spectrum (I usually say that "If there's an autism test, where normal people will score less than 10, people with heavy autism scores above 90, I'd score around 50."), and tell her about your autistic/AS tendencies/symptoms/signs/whatever you call it.

You sound a lot like me. The way I did it when ir ealized, as an adult, that AS is what explained some of my eccentricities was to point out a bunch of things that i thought my friend might remember about me - for isntance, times, I was extremely literal, or the time he gently and kindly told me that I tolked too loud on the phone. He guessed it was because of my hearing but I was actually used to thinking "Well the person's not here I have to be louder" or somesuch. I also told him a few thigns he might not have known, like about talking with imaginary friends my first couple years of grade school on the playground and never knowing how to invite myself into other kids' games.

In essence, then, what I did was say, "Look at all these eccentricities, 1-2 alone might not seem that unusual, but put them all together and it sure sounds like I have just enough of the diagnostics (2,maybe a third in A, 1, maybe 2 in B, on the DSM-IV) to be at least PDD-NOS if not Aspger's.

His response: "Hmmm, I never considered that possiblity, I'll have to think bout that." In other words, he knwos it's possible.

So, perhaps you need to piont out specific instances in your life instead of just the diagnosis. Although, I would also emphasize the spectrum part, which i did, too.

I think my current friends believe it mroe easily becasue they figure I coudl have had more problems functioning as a child. This friend I mention, however, had known me since about 3rd grade, the tale end of my made up words that I listen today to tapes I did and I have no idea what they meant.

I am wondering what people will do when the dSM-V coems out. I look at it and it *might* not apply to me as much, though it depends on what "support" means in daily living. I live on my own and am extremely high functioning. the support I needed in grade school I got - from friends who were willing to have patience with me and encourage me to play and stuff like say the president, Vice Presidents, or whatever in order as early as 3-4th grade. i think at tiems they just did it to be amazed at how I was rattling thigns off, but it did help me with communication some, though I still dont' always sahre my interests really efficiently.

Sorry, boy, that was a ramble and a half, huh?

I'm wondering what your friend imagines AS to be. Does she think that it's something negative and that by using the label you're making excuses for yourself or limiting yourself? What if you told your friend you were gay or you were Black even though people assume you're White? I'm sure she wouldn't say "oh no you're not..." If you let you friend know that this is just a way that you're describing yourself so that she (and others) can understand you and that it's NOT anything wrong or bad, she should see it differently.