Why does confidence always ''let you off''?

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I know an NT woman who can be very embarrassing, and she admits that she doesn't care what people think of her in public, and she does unusual things what most wouldn't do in public, and doesn't dress very presentably, and has an awful, overweight figure. But when she is with her friends or family, none of them feel embarrassed or despaired of her, they actually laugh with her (not at her) and it makes her more popular than ever. Also she doesn't draw attention to herself and people don't look at her funny or anything.

But if I did anything just a teeny bit out of the ordinary, even if I knew I was looking ridiculous, I bet I wouldn't get any respect. My friends or family would despair, and I would be getting weird looks and people snickering.

Is it to do with confidence? Or what?

Wow. What a good question. I wish I had a good answer. I think it has to do with the "vibes" people give off. A confident vibe would tell the people around that everything is ok. A hesitant, scared, uncertain vibe would tell people that something is wrong. And "wrong" scares people, so they need to do something to get rid of the scary feeling. Hmm. I think.

It's all in the presentation.

If I try anything out of ordinary it just comes across as awkward. There are people who just carry themselves and exude a sense that they are in control of their surroundings.
Unfortunately that is probably the last thing an aspie can do, except maybe if you were with a group that had an interest in a subject that you have taken on as your special interest, then you look like the genius in the room.
But once the conversation returned to small talk, that would be all she wrote.

That is a good answer actually.

I've always wondered this too.....there are always the "cool quirky people" whereas my quirks just annoy or repulse people. When I asked a friend about this she said it was probably because of my lack of confidence. Somehow a lack of confidence makes one seem more awkward I think. I guess awkward and quirky is not "cool:" and turns people off. Also I think my particular quirks turn people off-like sometimes I pick my skin in public when I'm nervous or just not thinking about it and that grosses people out....and the things I talk about tend to bore people (I give too much information) and I do strange things with my hands while talking sometimes which people just think are weird ect. Only some kind of quirks or "embarrassing traits" can be made "cool" I think.

Confidence, ability to control the social impressions you get. Which I guess is social intelligence and socially adaptive skills. Which also is ability to conform and to "be" in society, you know what people think to some extent, how they work, and then you can behave more freely in those terms you control.

Confidence would let you brave through and not care so much about the impressions you get, though, I would think. But I don't think you ever can be as free as people who have better social skills.

Ditto.

People pick up on the subtle little actions you make after doing something out of the ordinary (What do you mean by out of the ordinary btw?), If you act awkward or embarassed and basically make a scene then people will pick up on it and either use it as an opportunity ot laugh at someone elses expense (everyone loves doing this as it makes them feel better about themselves) or feel uncomfortable/cringe in empathy with you. If you pick yourself up and brush whatever happened off your shoulder then it doesnt give anyone anything to react to. Its all about being too self aware really. I cant really talk as im the same, the smallest little faux pas will make my face go bright red and people will stare and laugh (at least thats what i think happens, I usually avoid looking at other people when i do something embarassing and just try to escape the area as quick as possible). Im sure if I just kept my head up and laughed then people wouldnt give a toss.

I've actually taught my son to do this...or at least tried. To get him to "join in" in laughing at his quirks and awkwardness. To make fun of himself (not in a mean way...in a good-natured way). When he remembers to do it, it helps. It really does. Like if someone calls him weird, to smile big and say "Why thank you! I take that as the ultimate compliment!" By using this technique, some kids who used to pick on him are actually kind of nice to him now. I do think it has to do with "owning" it instead of being embarrassed by it.

I remember last year one kid teased him because he brought a Pokemon stuffed animal to school (5th grade). My son was really hurt, but we worked on finding humorous comebacks to use when the kid was teasing him. Not too long after (maybe a month or so), the kid brought my son some if his Pokemon things that he wasn't using anymore, including a card of my son's favorite character. Now this year he will sometimes play Pokemon with him, even though the kid doesn't really play it anymore on his own.

I guess the trick is to be OK with it yourself, and then eventually others will follow suit. And if they don't, you don't care because you are OK with it, so it becomes a non-issue.

I can't really think of anything out of the ordinary off hand, and I don't mean it as an extreme thing either. I just mean things what most people wouldn't want to do out in public, like fart loudly in shops and openly admit it (yes my mum's friend does this), or shoves hands down the trousers to rub cream around the private bits in the middle of a public place (yes my mum's friend does this too), and also wearing clothes that others probably would judge someone like me in, and so on. She doesn't watch her figure (she is rather overweight), and has a bad posture, but people don't seem to judge her because she seems so confident in herself. Not all NTs are like this, in fact most people I know aren't like this, they try to take pride in themselves when they go out in public, but you do get a few people who are normal people (not got any neurological differences or drug addiction or anything like that) but are still the type who still want to be an individual but able to fit in aswell.

It's hard to be like that though when you're naturally not.

Wow, she does sound pretty out there lol. I think i would actually be embarrassed to walk around with someone like that. I do know someone whos kind of the same though, but maybe not quite as bad, she will walk down the street adn shout at people (not in an agressive way, just she has a very loud voice) and swear like a sailor, and yet people dont seem to give a toss because of how she handles herself.

I know its hard, Like i aid i cant really talk as i have the worst trouble turning off that little voice in my head that tells me im attracting unwanted attention to myself. Like everything though it gets easier with practice, its just having the confidence to get that practice in thats a problem. I think a lot of it has to do with upbringing, if your parents were that way then you are more likely to be that way too. I think i inherited my shyness from my mother, as thats who really raised me. My dad is pretty much the opposite but he wasnt around for the majority of my childhood or teens.

In all honesty it doesnt really matter though, people will still like you no matter how you are, some people are just more reserved than others and nothings really gonna change that.

I think it's everything, because we are all judge on everything we do, from the way we look, the way we speak, the way we move, even the way we sit/stand/hop - as crazy as that might sound. Every action, or inaction, gives off an energy. There are socially correct and incorrect energies or proper/acceptable ways to do everything. Some people are lucky to have those proper energies that are attractive and confident.