Marrying and Children

Post Reply New Topic

I don't think I'll ever marry, and I don't think I'll ever have children.

Think about it. If someone has a bad childhood, they are more likely to repeat what was done to them to their children (not saying they will, but they are more likely to). Also, even if I did manage to snag a neurotypical male to have a child with, there would still be a chance that the child could be born with Asperger's Disorder. There's a chance they could be born with the same depression I have.

Logically, I know there is a chance that this may not happen. But, logically, I know there is also a chance that this might. And, I would rather not even try then risk this all happening and having a child that would go through all of the pain that I've gone through so far. I wouldn't be able to watch. I'd probably cause more damage.

As for marriage, I don't relate to people well. I don't need another person to be by my side. Truthfully, the more people that I become emotionally tied with, the more out-of-control I feel. I'm not empathetic, and I'm not good at taking care of others. I'm bad at pretty much everything needed in a relationship... trusting, compromising, being flexible... I don't want to be responsible for hurting another person, especially if I'm fine on my own.

Maybe this is just one of my passing "moods", but I was wondering how many others here have also thought of these things.

more than anything else in my life, i'd want an appropriate and companionable mate and easy-to-raise children - but i seem to have been born under the dark star which would enable only dysfunctional relationships and "problem children." i seem to lack the right stuff for anything better. now i'm too old to worry about it.

Well, it depends on if you ever find someone who's "Right"

Trust me - After you fall for someone the first time, you start ending up getting a bit more confidence in that area.

(Disclaimer: As a male, I have no idea what the female perspective is)

I used to think it was simple to not repeat your parents mistakes if you know what they did was wrong but wrong. I am learning that now and see I am doing what my parents did to me as a child and now I have to try and break that cycle too.

I can't see myself getting married nor having children. The marriage part, because the idea of it puts me off the older I get and I would make a terrible father for kids for various reasons. That and the world is overpopulated enough as it is.

I desperately want to marry, but I would never have children. I have a hard enough time with life without the extreme responsibilities and obligations that go along with child-rearing, and because many of my problems (including Asperger's) have a strong genetic component, I find the idea of bringing someone who shares my genome into the world cruel at best.

I'm not optimistic about the future of the world in general, for that matter, and it's not a place I would want to bring someone even if I knew they would be neurotypical and healthy. It's a hard world and I'd rather not force someone to participate in it.

All kind of people marry and have children, why not autistics? If you could find a loving and understanding mate, preferably on the spectrum too, yes, it would be a challenge, but not impossible. Besides, there's much more support in terms of knowledge and maybe therapy than used to be in the past, so why not?

You never know what the future holds. When I met my husband I had no friends. Still dont. I have no idea how I managed to land a husband, especially since I was completely uninterested in him when he flirted and asked if I would hang out. In fact, I cant tell you when and where our first date was because what he considers a date, I consider a friendly outing. I guess I was pretty damn lucky. He is much like me. In fact, it was him who was interested in aspergers first as he thought he had it. I made him take the famous aspie test, but not before I had done it myself. He had gotten 125/80 while I got 152/65.

He wanted a child, and with me about to turn 30, I figure its probably now or never. Plus, its not fair that so many other morons reproduce. Why should we prevent us from contributing to a future society? However, I was always fearful that I would be doomed to relieve my childhood through my child and how cruel that would be. That fear grew worse after I was pregnant when I realized that the probability of my daughter becoming an aspie would be high. But I realized that I would raise her like she were an NT because theres still a chance she could be, plus, the skills learned will help her better than shielding her from everything. She'll be 3 months old next week, so everything is still unknown. If she is an aspie however, we will know exactly what will work best for her, and make accommodations if needed. We wont make the negative choices when dealing with the issue, because by being able to see and understand her world, we will be able to understand her.

I would love to get married one day!...the idea of being alone for the rest of my life would be an awful thought..although i have AS i live in hope that one day i can find an understanding lady with or without AS that i can share my life with.
As for children..i would have to be ready to be able to give a child a secure and happy life...so would have to make sure the time was right for having children.
I don't see why people with AS should not go on and have a happy life with someone to share it with..there is always someone out there for everyone..it's just finding that person...

I'm not fussed about getting married. I do want kids though, and I want to adopt at least one child with learning difficulties or autism (or anyone who is classically "hard to place") I would like to go through the experience of my partner being pregnant. The baby couldn't be biologically mine, but I'm not fussed about genetics. I'd then adopt maybe a slightly older child once the baby was a bit older.

I simply don't like children, period. Thus, why would I be that stupid to make one? I don't mind cleaning the litter boxes of my cats and occasionally their puke because I really really love them and their presence, but I would not change messy diapers of any brat nor endure his ongoing crying and wouldn't waste one single cent for such an idiotic creature, even more so since there are already way too many bipeds on this planet.

Scaurie,

I'd say this is probably a passing mood. AS women seem to not have enormous issues finding a NT mate, even on the rate of 1/100th as bad as AS men, since unlike NT women, NT men don't overwhelmingly judge them on social aptitude. So, all of the problems you may have, are more nuisances than anything, and something most guys will easily get over. Whereas, for me, I've been battling this since I was 14 or so (and I'm in my mid-30s) and no matter how fit I get, the moment I open my mouth, pretty much every NT woman gets turned off, bored, and leaves pretty soon.

I'm not going to make it a AS boys vs AS girls sort of thing, but the numbers speak for themselves. You'll be ok, and able to have a family if that's what you want and if you care to make the effort to do it. With the right communication with your partner, you'll be able to work with the way you are naturally happiest to make the relationship work. And, Even if you have a kid who has ASD, there are a ridiculous amount of programs and tools out there, specific to children, which makes all the difficulties we had, having basically zero things out there other than being told to "be normal" a fraction as tough for them. So, that can and will work itself out fine.

Now, for the guys here, I'll say personally, it's an uphill battle. But, if you haven't went on dates with 85+ different people, having only two relationships ever come of it (as in, more than the date itself), don't start talking about how "it'll never happen." I've done that, and, while the odds are pretty damn low, since, as a man, it's either extreme luck in finding the a rare 0.0000001% of NT woman out there who are empathetic or have to act SUPER-NT, being charming, witty, funny and above all "normal" to have a glimmer of a hope of a woman not be turned off by my ASD - I still think it's possible. I just need to find better and better ways to cope and forget about my immediate happiness, needs or comfort. And, I'm ok with that, since love is worth it.

**RANT OFF**

Last edited by JRR on 16 Nov 2012, 10:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

I did it anyway. Baaaad idea.
<But hey, I have to soldier on. I am going to stay married and try my best not to ruin this beautiful child.

My dad did this. I don't blame him because he wasn't aware of it and his parents had no idea what to do. However, it has made me quite aware of it and I think that my children will have the benefits of my experience. I'd be quite excited if I had a mini-me.

As for relationships, if you don't want one then don't have one. The pressure from society to get married and have kids is stupid. Your opinion will probably change when you meet someone. Just don't worry about it so much.

Recently got married after being with my partner for 10 years. We are both 30 now and the issue of having children is something that comes up more and more. Even before I understood how to explain it properly, I was very concerned by the possibility of creating a child which was 'like me'. When I think back to my childhood, there is confusion, isolation, depression, self-hatred, self-harm and suicidal attempts. How could I possibly feel comfortable about creating a child with the same genetics as that.

Sure Aspergers is identified early these days and yes, some things would have been easier and less confusing if I had found about AS. But labelled as AS or not, there are some core problems there that made life painfully hard and the thought of knowingly putting a kid through that makes me feel sick. I would never judge others of course but, knowing how it was that I felt I have trouble picturing me eventually being comfortable with the idea. This is quite a conundrum as my wife is very very clear about wanting kids ASAP. Problems may lie ahead one way or another

I understand that I'm only eighteen, but whenever I talk about this, my father just tells me "your opinion will change", and I think oh dear god, I hope not. I'd rather not pass on my Asperger's to anyone.

This is really how I feel, too, and that's the backing behind the choice I've made.