Does anyone know how to do small talk?

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Hi, I have Autism and really struggle with small talk. Any tips or Advice?

(Thread moved from Random to Autism discussion)

conversation about quantum principles is the ultimate small talk.

I get by with the same stock phrases that I churn out and alternate.

"How you doing?" - This is a formality unless asked by someone you are very close to and a generic answer is usually expected.
"I can't grumble." / "Not bad...you?" / "Good, cheers."

On a Friday at work I will fill awkward silences or meeting by just asking "Got much planned for the weekend" and "Get up to much interesting over the weekend" on a Monday.

These are all horribly simplistic and I worry that people might begin to pick up on that if they have not already but they do the job well enough.

As for more detailed small talk, a good trick is to be aware that people often relish the chance to talk about themselves so once they get onto the topic that relates to them just try to look really interested with lots of nods, occasional raised eyebrows and feint smiles and throw in the occasional "yeah" and let them do the hard work. Maybe that is more general conversation skills that small-talk but it gets me by for the most part.

Haha, much better than my answer!

no need to beat yourself up over nothing. that was not the aim of my post. i do not like to be presented with questioning words that force me to be either merciful and understanding, or cold and clinical.

social aspects of the universe are not worth inspecting really. there is no accounting for taste.

I get a lot of mileage out of asking people how their pets/kids/plants/etc are doing, then listening intently to their answers. People love to talk about pets and kids.

I also make a point of warmly greeting my co-workers when I first encounter them for the day, and on mondays ask how their weekend was. I have a short two or three sentence reply prepared for when the reciprocate and ask how my weekend was.

NT's seem to go into a shutdown if given too much detail at once, so always give the briefest summary overview to any question asked if at all possible, esp if that question isn't technical in nature. Usually social questions start with HOW, not what. "How are you doing?" should be answered positively, even if you are obviously doing bad, give it a positive spin, preferably with some hint of a smile if possible. for example: "Can't complain" or my dad's favorite "I'm in good shape for the shape I'm in" he'd reply cheerfully

i am quite a lot younger than you so i apologize for my lack of immediate identification with whatever you say.

Read the newspaper or watch the news so you have some knowledge of current events around you. Since you are a guy, you may want to start off with the sports page or the sporting news, which typically runs near the end of the local news shows. I read quickly, so it is much easier for me to scan cnn.com and read the newspaper than sit through all those TV commercials.

i have no interest in sport, and i additionally have no interest in formulating anything to say in an address to what i am not interested in.

Sometimes I think I should just keep a cue card around my neck, because I never remember to apply "polite small talk" in the moment.

I know how to do it, but it often irritates me that I'm expected to do it at all. Sometimes I don't mind. Sometimes I'm OK with doing it.

What I normally do is this:

If it's a random stranger I've never met before, say the usual polite things such as "how are you" and things like that.

If it's someone with whom I've already had a conversation, I wrack my brains to try and remember the things they said to me last time, and then ask them for an update. For example, if I meet a fellow dog-walker I've met before, and last time I met them, their dog had a sore paw, I will ask: "how is your dog's paw now?" This will prompt them to start going on and on and telling me about their dog's paw, and I won't need to think of anything to say for a long time, while they just talk and talk.

With family members, I more or less do the same thing. I think of things they were talking about last time we talked, and ask for an update. This is considered polite, and it's rude not to do it. For example, if somebody phones you to tell you they are going to have surgery for a minor ailment, you have to remember that fact, and then ask them how the surgery went the next time you speak to them. If you do not inquire after their post-surgical health they will think you are uncaring. I have got a bad memory but I do my best to try and remember things like that, so I can ask questions about them the next time we speak.

Last edited by Plodder on 20 Nov 2012, 10:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

Pick an element from your surroundings. Observe it out loud. Be the first person to hint that you have something better to do.

I generally avoid it unless I can steer the conversation to something useful.

Useless banter is a waste of energy.

What works really well for me is to talk about the places we have visited or the new restaurants that we like--it helps that we travel somewhere every few weeks. I'm also an expert on gardening--that works really well with a lot of women--they like to listen to my expertise since I've learned to keep my explanations concise and to the point.

In England you say 'Hi how are you?' or 'Weather's not great today is it?' (as it often is pretty wet!) or if you really want to fit in say something about xfactor or I'm a celebrity. Just be prepared to listen to a long rant with the TV ideas though and not understand what they are harping on about...