On Dating Aspie Girls

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Ugh, I feel like this is a difficult subject, but I do not know where else to go with it but WrongPlanet. Please understand, I'm not trying to verbally bury or stereotype anyone. Nor be an ingrate of any kind.

I... don't think I like dating girls on the spectrum. I'm lucky enough to not be one of the many aspies to fall into the never been kissed category. I'm not a virgin, and I've actually had a few girlfriends. I enjoy it greatly, and am glad that I've made enough progress socially to begin to notice patterns.

But that's the problem, I have noticed a pattern. I'm not sure whether it's due to sensory issues, or something else, but I'm... not really very satisfied when I'm dating a girl with AS.

I've dated a few of them, and despite the fact that they were quite good looking, and sweet, interesting girls, I... don't feel like I connect with them fully. I'm just so much more sensual, more intimate of a person (also I wear my heart on my sleeve, I don't have trouble expressing my feelings like some guys do). I don't feel physically satisfied when I'm with them, even if we have a great time together. And that physical satisfaction is a layer I crave in my relationships.

Wait, wait, don't leave! I know this sounds kind of like I'm a pervert who only wants to get off, but that's not what I mean. I just enjoy... vibing, I guess, with girls through all forms of physical contact. Cuddling, soft caresses, kissing, etc, and yes, sex in its many forms. I find it lets me be and feel closer to them using more than words (something I always crave, since I'm always striving towards normalcy). I rarely am able to do such things when dating a girl with AS, because they seem to not enjoy being touched much.

I've enjoyed dating neurotypical girls more as a result of this, because they seem much more interesting in connecting in this fashion. I also love the non-verbal communication that aspies find so difficult, so it can be frustrating when a girlfriend doesn't understand certain messages I'm sending.

Now, I know that not all Aspie girls are touch-phobic bumps on logs (and by the same token, not all neurotype females are sensual, affectionate lovers), but I do feel like there's kind of a wall between me and the ones I've been with.

I've been flirting with this girl lately, and I'm quite sure I could date her, but I fear that we aren't a good match for this very reason. I do know she's like this (we have spoken enough to assess this), so I'm not stereotyping her... I just want to be able to have a normal, adult relationship, without having to worry about Autism related issues, but I'm not sure if I'll get it in this case.

My question is, is it offensive to not want to date someone because of AS? I know how devastating it feels to not be wanted for something you can't control, but that it would be worse to try to force a square peg into a round hole. I don't want to be that as*hole who tries to convince her to come out of her shell and cuddle and make out and try sex and stuff, because I learned from one of my high school girlfriends years back that that's jerk behavior. Halp, what to do?

(BTW first time poster, long time monster. How we all doin today?)

Interesting. I hope people on this forum who've made comments about how easy it is for women with AS to date and maintain relationships read the above post.

I may not date her, though let me clarify. I portrayed it in a not so great light, but I actually do like her, and we have good chemistry in a lot of ways. I'm just wondering if it's not a bit too Jerry Seinfeld to be uninterested in someone over just one thing.

From another angle, it's likely to only be a short term thing anyway, as we both intend to move out of state within a year. I'm just thinking we'd have a lot of fun together, but as you said, I don't want to play with anyone's feelings.

I don't care honestly. It's whoever I'm attracted to. To be honest I've met 3 aspie girls and wasn't interested in them. I tend to attract bipolar types more than anything else. In both relationships and friendships. It's all a matter of who I'm attracted to. I become attract to a person not because they have some kind of disorder or not.

I think, I would rather date a NT girl, rather than an aspie if I have to choose, I mean, I would prefer someone who doesn't have issues, but I do have issues though, in any case I go for "Dating... Sounds scary and hard. Not for me, thanks."

As hard as it is to date anybody, I have found it much harder to get closer to Aspie girls than neurotypicals. Even when we have literally everything in common and can finish one another's thoughts, they are much more easily frightened than NTs and have a much more difficult time developing trust, even when they have known someone for years and years. It has caused me no shortage of heartache and grief, as I would really prefer an Aspie.

I have an Asperger syndrome girlfriend that I have been together for a couple of months and so far the relationship is at the moment getting better and better. She loves hugs and cuddles as I do which is not the usual portrayal of Asperger syndrome people, women in particular. I tell here everything and also go into things really deep. We really communicate really well and the feelings are mutual. I have known her three years but developed feelings of mutual attraction towards each other and we asked each other she hit on my during a walk in the countryside and I hit onto her on Facebook and got together that way and she is the best girlfriend I have had. OK I have to work at it because you have to in every relationship. I don't mind because I love her so much and she feels the same. we really enjoy each other's company and have similar sense of humour. It seems like a soul mate but it is still early days and I want to take things steady. Also taking her on more dates as well. This is the first relationship in 10 years and the ex was somewhere on the neurotypical spectrum. But me and my current girlfriend are well suited together and part of that is our Asperger syndrome I find and I am glad I have an Asperger syndrome girlfriend I wanted one for years and now I have found her.

Like you OP I am a very affectionate Aspie guy who loves being close physically & emotionally with my partner. My 2nd & current girlfriend are on the spectrum & they are opposites of each other with their personalities within a relationship. My 2nd girlfriend got annoyed with me for being too clingy & needy but my current girlfriend is needy & clingy & loves physical affection.

I think it's OK for you not to date a girl for whatever reason you want, especially if you think your not compatible with your relationship needs.

I think the lack of compatibility has more to do with personality types rather than them being Aspie or NT. For example: while I am a female on the spectrum with sensory issues, I do enjoy some touching, affection, and expression of feelings with a romantic partner. I should add that my mbti type is INFJ. I have a female friend on the spectrum who's INTJ (which seems to be the majority on the spectrum) and she seems to be very anti-touch. It's also hard to get her to open up about her feelings, though I respect her desire for privacy. Anyway... this is to say that we're all different.

My option isn't there..

I like to date Neurodiverse women. I am married to an amazing one, in fact

I prefer dating neurotypicals and heres why:

Girls on the spectrum are somewhat rare. I probably know 40+ guys with autism but iv'e only met around 5 girls with autism. Only 1 of them would I actually consider dating.

Not only are autistic girls rare, but most of them arne't that attractive. I know some of you will be offended by this but it's true. Autistic girls (and guys) tend to not be the most attractive people in the world. And when you're a young adult like me, looks matter.

I'm the type of guy who's not going to settle for just anyone. Yes I do want a girlfriend but at the same time, I also have standards. I want a girl whom I can at least be somewhat attracted to. You know what I mean?

Now if she was cute, then yeah i'd consider it. We're both autistic, that's something we have in common.


This is why i'm probably going to be single for a while because i'm not the most attractive guy in the world and i'm not willing to lower my standards to consider dating ugly whales. I have to at least be somewhat attracted to you, the problem is all of the girls i'm attracted to are taken.

People's attraction is easily being manipulated by clothes, hair styling products and face paint.
Many times you can wipe a woman's beauty outta her face, if you know what I mean.