Having to Be Twice As Good As Anyone Else

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I realize that I find myself an over-achiever to compensate for the negative view most people have of me and other Aspies. I realize that I have to be twice as good just to be on the same playing field. I realize I will always be viewed as a smart ret*d. I am a smart, intelligent, very verbal person; I realize that is not going to change people's opinion of me. Do other Aspies feel the need to over-compensate as well?

I'm not sure about that. But sometimes, I feel like I should just let it be. As in, what's the point of trying too hard, when you know people would keep thinking of you in that way? I'm not sure about you though.

Definitely agreed.


Aside from our tight circle of family friends, people only talk to me, look at me, whatever, when I've done something outstanding, which used to happen back a lot in childhood.


Then...I hit puberty.

I don't feel the need to over-compensate... That requires that I care what those around me (who have not earned that level of respect) think about me.

However... I do tend to be viewed as an over-achiever... But it's not based on a need to prove anything to anyone other than myself. I have always held that anything worth doing is worth doing correctly. As such, I tend to be a perfectionist and constantly work to improve myself, my skills, and my art.

Its pretty much a necessity. One of those uncomfortable truths your not told.

I can completely relate. But just like justrandomme said, people are always gonna see you the way they see you. Once they put a label on you, to them that label is never coming off. No matter how much you try to change and improve, those people are just gonna amount it to you "trying too hard". Even with my major accomplishments so far, no one really congratulates them ....
I'm done trying to "overcompensate" for the people around me, and am currently on a mission to get the heck outta dodge, move away and start fresh, but the one person I trust to help me accomplish these things doesn't seem to take me seriously either...

Yes. That is an experience we share with not just other disabilities but with minorities in general.

Physically disabled people often call it being a "supercrip"--the stereotype of the heroic disabled person who does amazing things. Many disabled people, both physically and cognitively, have to deal with this problem.

"John Henryism" refers to the same phenomenon in racial minorities, especially black people in America. They work too hard, get too stressed, and often shorten their own lives, just to try to be seen as equals.

Women who have full-time jobs, especially married women, often find themselves working two jobs--one being their day job, the other being as a homemaker. This is the result of having a career in a world where maintaining a household is still considered "women's work", and it can take a heavy toll on women who feel like they have to prove themselves as being equals in the workplace not just by being good workers but by also maintaining a model household to "prove" their competence.

It comes partly from not wanting to be restricted by the stereotype of incompetence associated with your minority status, and partly from buying into that same stereotype. Most people are presumed to be competent until they prove otherwise; for disabled people, it's the opposite, and we're presumed to be incompetent until we prove we aren't. Having to work harder than everyone else just to break even is a symptom of a society that does not accommodate for disability, nor see disabled people as equals. Hopefully, an awareness of this phenomenon will help us to be kinder to ourselves.

Me trying to be twice as better has nothing to do with the autism spectrum, the high possibility I might be on it is quite new to me, I'm 21. I've always wanted to be better (academically) because I have nothing else going for me. I've had no girlfriends, couldn't even pick up part time job because I'm scared of talking to strangers on the phone, never had money. Performing good makes my life meaningful, if I found out I'm average, I'd get serious depression.

Yes, I remember a few years ago, before I even knew about Asperger's, a friend of mine asked me to play pool with a group of people. I told him that I didn't want to because I wasn't very good. His response was to tell me that he thought I was pretty good and that I was being ridiculous. I remember explaining to him that I didn't mean that I wasn't good at all, but rather that I wasn't VERY good. Meaning that I had to be better than everyone else for it to be fun for me.

I think "compensating" is very normal in general for various reasons. In some cases it's the perception of judgement rather than actual judgement that causes it. There's a Fake-Tit-Mart or 5 in every town. Or how about some Botox? If you just let a person with 3 days training inject botulism into your face you too can be as good as everyone else.

I use to feel this way and then I realized it was pointless and I would rather enjoy life than trying to be in a competition. I am happier that way.

NTs learn by seeing the big picture first and then discover the details when they need to. They also don't notice mistakes so easily. Both of these factors mean NTs are confident in their ability because they don't know what they don't know. People with AS are generally more aware of their deficiencies and tend to rate themselves lower.

I am a perfectionist and tend to focus on the things I don't know so I'm very critical of my abilities. The benefit is that I become very good at things. However, I downplay my abilities to others which lowers my perceived competency. I don't do it for the competition or to prove something. I just have a need to fill in the gaps in my knowledge.

But I do agree with the OP. I do feel the need to be very good at something to feel confident to participate, but I try to let go of that when I need to and "just have fun".