Need advice on how to survive Christmas break.

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Anyone got any advice on how to survive Christmas break?

I'm going home to my parents on Tuesday. I haven't got my own room there anymore and I don't understand how I'm supposed to stay there for 16 days without going completely mad. Yesterday my mother said "rebbieh, I'm really looking forward to you coming home soon! Then I can give you loads of hugs and kisses." That made me not want to go. Don't misunderstand me. I love my parents and I love my boyfriend (who'll be there as well) but I can't stand it when people are "clingy" and want to be physically close to me all the time. I don't even like it when my boyfriend's like that.

I'm a person who needs a lot of personal space. I need a lot of time to be by myself. I need time to think, to talk to myself, to analyse things, to sit in silence, to sit by the computer, to watch documentaries about Astronomy, to listen to one song on repeat hundreds of times, to do the same things every day et cetera. Here, in my dorm room, I can do all of that. Sure, the others living in my dorm complain about it sometimes but I really can't be bothered. But there, at my parent's house, I won't even be able to sit alone in my room since I don't have a room there anymore. Instead, my boyfriend and I will have to stay in my sister's room (she's not home) when we're there over Christmas. I will feel pressured and forced to be social and to "entertain" my boyfriend.

On Christmas Eve (which is when we celebrate Christmas in Sweden) my grandparents (on both sides), my aunt, uncle and cousin will be at the house as well. I will have to receive Christmas gifts in front of others (which I really don't like since I never know how to act in those situations), it will be noisy and I will have to be social the whole day. Is it really "normal" to feel this anxious about seeing your family (haven't seen them since August) and seeing your boyfriend (haven't seen him since the beginning of October)? I mean, I like all of them but I'm really anxious about this.

I should mention that my parent's won't believe I could have AS or something else until I have an official diagnosis (working on that). So, in their opinion, I have no "excuse" for not wanting to be around people. They think I'm too isolated.

Any advice?

You could be my exact duplicate! I have a diagnosis, but it doesn't help at all with the parent situation. Usually I just find an excuse to leave. I tell them I'm walking the dog and then disappear for hours. Usually I just go on a really long nature hike with my dog. It's not the perfect solution, but it gives me enough alone time. Maybe something similar would work for you.

Sort of. I'm not sure if this will work for you, because it's just based on personal experience and my opinion...

I currently share a room, and at first, it did drive me crazy, until I understood things had to be that way for now. Sometimes, it *seriously* helps to force myself to do something when I know it has to be done. If you have an iPod, a notebook, or something you can work with, that'd really help you too--and actually, it not only helps, but sometimes isolates me from all the noise, etc. as well. Now, I'm not saying that sharing a room is fun all the time--it's not! But, I think also how someone chooses to view their time in there will either make things easier or harder. And honestly, I *totally* understand you being afraid of the hugs, presents, etc. That'd seriously make me think, too! On the bright side, it's not impossible and 16 days is only 2 1/2 weeks--it's not as bad as, say, 3 months would be.

Also, I find analyzing things is best done in the everyday world--I learned things had to be that way years ago because things can't always be silent. It's just the way this world "works". Despite that, I really do love quiet and plenty of time to process/think whenever it's available. And finally, to answer your last question, I personally think it's certainly normal to be anxious over seeing your family!

I hope you have a great Christmas + that this helps you...

Simple. Don't go home.

Wow. I'm absolutely LIVID that there are parents out there who will disbelieve, for years and years, that anyone could possibly need time alone or that they might have some degree of autism when they're showing practically every sign of it in the book.

I'm wondering if maybe, to your parents, autism is a toggle switch: it's on (what we would think of as "severely autistic" - perhaps unable to even speak) or off. When in truth, it's more like a dimmer switch: it can be off completely, or on brightly, or on very dim, or anywhere in between. Since your Asperger's/autism is not severe enough to qualify for their simplistic, severe idea of autism, they think you cannot have it.

Oh, and I'm not happy about the removal of Asperger's from the DSM-V. People's ideas of "autism" are even more warped than they are for "Asperger's"...

I don't know. All I know is that when I first mentioned that I suspected I might have AS my mum said "No. I'm a nurse. Believe me, you don't have it." I then said "how can you be so sure?". Then she read the Wikipedia article/page on Asperger's and once again told me I don't have it. Every time I try to discuss the possibility of me having it or discuss my childhood memories (etc) she tells me I'm wrong and that I don't remember things correctly. Always makes me so angry I feel like crying and smashing things. So I've sort of given up talking about it.

It really bothers me. My parents have told me they sometimes wonder if my sister's got ADHD but as soon as I say something's "wrong" with me (no matter what it is) it's like they've decided not to believe me. I'm thinking maybe that's because my sister's been causing a lot of trouble over the years (she's very agressive, always doing things, can't be alone, she's spontaneous, says a lot of mean things etc) while I've been quiet and withdrawn, haven't shared my thoughts and feelings with anyone, been following rules etc. Perhaps they just think I'm shy or something. I don't understand.

Or maybe I'm completely wrong and they're right. I really don't know.

Hint: when you receive a gift, be appreciative. Even if you have to feint it.

Alcohol sleep and food,

I try. I mean, I might be happy and thankful on the inside, it's just really difficult to show it on the outside. Especially with people looking at me and expecting me to react a ceratain way. Anyway, I say "thank you". However, I've noticed that might not be enough. When I've said "thank you" people don't stop paying me attention. They keep looking at me and they keep smiling at me as if they think I should either say something else or try it (whatever I just got) out. I don't get it.

I just wouldn't stay for 16 days x_x I mean wow 16 days is a lot without your own room and privacy and being stuck with your family most of the time.

Find something to distract you

Personal experience: While studying for my MA, I often had to stay at my aunt's place (in another city). My aunt is a really nice lady, for sure, but living with her can be extremely boring at times... and the lack of a computer doesn't make things any better.

So I tried to fill my time with anything that will keep my mind off the boredom. I read newspapers, even though I don't really give a damn about 90% fo the events they talk about. I read a few old books (from the communism era) - their style of writing was weird and I even laughed at some parts (they were genuinely silly). Occasionally, I also took out my notepad, grabbed a pen and wrote... whatever came to my mind - meaningless short stories, random thoughts, etc.

And so, the time passed and I survived the boredom.

I am sure you can find at least one thing that can be a distraction. Good luck.

Tjena!

I don't know if this is an advice - but it's how I handle it.
I live next to you in Denmark, so Christmas is just about the same here.

For some years I haven't been celebrating Christmas at all.
This is what I like most.

I have also realised people find me very odd because of this and tend to be overcaring and concerning because they don't understand how I can live without Christmas.

I haven't seen any of my family (except my younger brother. My family is quite small as I have never seen my father) since 2007 which I am quite pleased with.

Despite this I have a "spare family" with whom I celebrate Christmas.
They see it more like a cosy evening with good food and a lot of crazy stuff more than a traditional Christmas - plus we share a lot of interests (making me talk! omg ).

This I can relate to - and they are kind of weird in their own NT-way and we come along quite well.

I like this kind of Christmas and it makes me feel accepted - and when others ask me about how my Christmas was, I can actually come up with an answer they like, without lying or making something up.

I don't think this is the best solution for you, as you love you family and I really don't love mine.

Anyway.
If I do exactly what my mind tells me to I would be alone all the time.
That is not good for anything.

I try to push my self into situations like Christmas and similar so I get more and more used to it - or just to maintain a steady level of socialising with others as that is really important to me in order to function on a daily basis, having a job, interacting with other people etc.

I know I have Aspergers and I act different from others and despite a lot of people says it's just a way of different thinking, I know I'm the one who's different and if I don't try, people will dislike me at some point.

On the other hand - It's me who wants to be part of the NT's, I'll have to try and change - that's simple integration


Also, though a lot of people may find it a bit rude - get a pair of headphones and listen to some music.
It works for me. That's my portable private space and people who know me knows that.

If I have them on and they want to get in touch they move in front of me and do crazy stuff - they never touch me (NT's can learn too! ).

What happens to you if you can't have your own private space?

About presents; we always pass funny presents when at my spare familiy.
If I don't wish for anything I'm sure of getting something crazy I definately do not need - but it's crazy and I can expect it to be that way.
In the same way I can speak freely and say "oh my god, that's really ugly!" (or, "okay, den er godt nok grim, alligevel!" in Danish and it is at no offence as it's bought with the purpose of being ugly

One year I gave away a golf putter and 24 garden gnomes..

In the "old days" with my family I never said anything when having a present and I was told over and over again that I had to say thanks no matter what.
But how do you say thank you when you are 16 yrs and get an almost flourescent sweater in a size 10 yrs?
You know how it works - it's in some way pretty hard to tell a lie - at least to me it is. I still don't know if they gave me that because it was ugly or in the best meaning.

Yes, yes.. Sorry, but you got me started on this subject, so I'll just blabber on..

Also, I've learnt is polite to look people in their eyes when complimenting or saying thanks.
I simply can't.

I can't describe what happens, but it's a bit like staring into bright light. Either I have to close my eyes or look at something else, and then people don't think I mean what I say. You probably know this too...

For this Christmas I have had the exact same thoughts as you.
On the 23rd I will celebrate a full blown classic Danish Cristmas with my boyfriends family.
This includes a LOT of people, meals, presents and all that - and I have absolutely nothing to talk to them about.

There will be about 3-4 kids (12 yrs and smaller), grannys, dogs, noisy santas on batteries and Christmas carols.

Presents from them I expect to be things I need.
Normally I don't wish for anything which made last years Christmas at their house quite a scene, as I got all sorts of crap I didn't know what to do with - but they thought it was the best EVER and it was so hard for me to say anything.

This year I have prepared a list of 7-8 items I really could use, which I hope they will have a look at, so I know what to say.
Yes, it's odd, but we have had a talk about it
This could be an idea to you, perhaps?

Most of them know I have Aspergers, but I don't think they quite understand all aspects of it.
I don't expect them to either. My boyfriends mom knows about it and there is a room I can go to if it gets to noisy.
I'll bring my headphones

On the 24th I'm off to my spare family.
This has become my safe way of Christmas as I always know how it works, people I really know and they come every year with a personal invitation.
I am absolutly safe here and I enjoy it

On the 25th, my boyfriends moms boyfriend who is British, has invited us all for a classic British Christmas.
I start shaking just from the thougth of if.
I know what a Danish Christmas is, that I can handle. I know what happens on the 24th.
But a British Christmas with a guy I'm not that keen on. I have no idea how this is going to be.

I know some of the guests, but he has like five or six kids (from 10 yrs to ... around 35 I guess (I'm 30)) and the young ones I'm quite fine with, but the old ones knows EVERYTHING about everything - and then a little more.
They are just not right about anything.

They are not really people who are that accepting about others behaving in a different manor.
They are fine with me and my boyfriend (I'm a guy, too) as it is somehow "popular" being gay these days in Denmark, but their solution to Aspergers or similar is something like "that is like so saaaaaad - go see a doctor and get a pill!".

Not that I ask them to treat me differently, I just want to be able to be excused if I need to be a little alone with me headphones for a while, without having to answer all sorts of questions and come up with all sorts of answers they don't understand anyway - especially as I in these situations really don't want to talk.

At the same time they all think they can teach me stuff about my interests.
They CAN'T! No, 480 lines on a TV-signal is NOT a PAL signal, that's NTSC (576 lines is PAL, if you must know ).
Don't tell my about framing a picture when all pictures you've ever taken tilts.
I do TV for a living, please!

Stupid people shouldn't be allowed to talk. How am I to say that. They probably think the same of me

I am a bit in the same situation as you but I'll hope my boyfriends mom can talk to her boyfriend about me leaving for 5-10 minutes a couple of times and letting him know that's how I work.

The day after that we catch a plane to New York with a short stopover in Iceland.
Looking SO forward to that!

We will be staying over there till January 3rd in a rented hotel-apartment (where we have been before, the exact same room, actually.. Speaking of habits and safe surroundings) and see how New Years Eve will be over there.

Just him and me - and the rest of New York, but that's also a lot different from here.
Over there people on one hand seem to care more about each other and at the same time they don't care at all.

Maybe it's just their way of being - more tolerant and openminded to all sorts of people?

Anyway, I'm just about finished know.
I have no idea if you can use it for anything and I don't want people to come up with solutions for me, as this is your thread and you asked first.
I'll manage in some way. I always do

Gee, could probably have written it all in Danish and you'll understand anyway..
Naah, bad idea

About your mom being a nurse.
A nurse is not a doctor. 'nuff said.

Hope you get a Christmas you can enjoy - or at least cope with

Inspect the gift, maybe talk about it a little bit, smile of course. Everyone, from NT to AS has to feign interest in a gift at times.