Aspie-Aspie Relationships

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I have a fair amount of dating experience for my age, just not of this type.

I've been going out with an aspie girl for almost a month, and it seems to be going well. I am just wondering what are the types of things to watch out for in these types of relationships? Is there a risk of destroying all the social skills I've worked so hard to learn and slipping back into bad habits, or does it not work that way (someone please tell me it doesn't)?

Just curious on what others' experiences are since this board is mostly guys trying to find NT girls. I'm kind of sick of NT girls, to be honest, and I'd like to make this work.

I would like some information as well. Although mine has only been official for just over 24 hours at this point...

Mine lasted almost a year.

What started killing it, was that it was just me giving, and him taking. He didn't make an effort. He didn't show appreciation, he didn't tell me what he felt for me, he didn't show it either (and I *do* understand all the shortfalls of aspie men and took that into account).

I gave him the opportunity to talk things over, to write, if that was preferred, and all he did was ignore me, until he "needed" a boost of confidence, and that quality time he always had in my place.

I don't think I meant that little to him, but I don't think I meant that much either. If I did, he would have tried a little harder, and he would at least tried to "not" let me go.

So guys, good luck, be willing to change a little, don't stop being yourselves, that's not what I mean, but communicate with your girls, because communication is the solid foundation to sustain any relationship.

I've got... eleven years? Let me dig up some advice.

It's pretty awesome, overall.

Joint meltdowns are the worst thing. The worst. The key is to not break up because you both failed each other when you were at your most emotionally vulnerable. It is just awful, but it's not very frequent - maybe once every couple of years. (Clearly you could measure the average time between your meltdowns and the time between your partner's meltdowns and figure out how often they will overlap. Math!)

You have special interests, they have special interests. Both of you should be OK with long discussions about the other person's special interests. Even if it's vegetables or video games or fashion or manners. Even if it's dumb. Also, you eventually get to know all about an issue without having deep feelings about it - it's kinda like being NT.

Social skills: when you have someone who will discuss biology or comics with you for hours, you feel less need to talk about those things with other people. That makes outside interactions easier. Also, thinking about someone else's emotions a lot of the time makes empathy for everyone easier. It IS important to maintain friendships outside the relationship so that you remember to keep making eye contact and finishing sentences.

It's important to talk about how you feel ALL THE TIME. It's boring, but it saves so much suffering. Saying things like "I had a rough day and don't really want to talk." or "I need to sit quietly for a while." or "That thing you are doing with your teeth is currently driving me up the wall - could you pick another stim, please?" can prevent all sorts of fights.

It's really nice to have someone who's in your corner - someone who understands that you have limits to what you can do or handle, and that some things - like nightclubs or backpacking through Europe - might be completely out of the question. It's wonderful to have someone who understands how important your special interest is to you - and is curious about the world and delighted by the complexities of something else. My aspie friend once said the best part about dating was sitting in the same room, reading quietly - I agree.

I hope you guys are very happy.

The aspie distribution of sex drive seems to be roughly bimodal - either extremely strong sex drive or virtually none to speak of.

Aspie females seem heavily weighted toward the asexual side, while aspie males seem mildly weighted toward the hypersexual side.

If you're lucky enough to be asexual, another aspie may make a good match for you. If you're a hypersexual heterosexual/bisexual female or homosexual/bisexual male, you may have some success here, though there are other places to find hypersexual men (they're hardly in limited supply, regardless of your looks and personality, AdultFriendFinder, Fetlife, Craigslist and even OkCupid will get you plenty of attention).

If you're a hypersexual heterosexual male (or presumably homosexual female), I think your chances of finding a match in an aspie setting may be extremely low. I don't know of any studies unfortunately, but if this forum is any indication the ratio is highly unfavorable (compare the ratio of female versus male posters on the hypersexual thread in Adult Autism Issue, or look at the gender divide in posts here about whether sex is a need). If you're hypersexual then sexuality compatibility is likely one of the most important components of success in a relationship, and an understanding of or at least sympathy toward the pressures and pains of hypersexuality is probably necessary to prevent alienation and resentment.

Now that I feel completely accepted (also dating an aspie), I don't feel the need to put on a mask anymore; I've been more weary about socializing, which is kind of an issue. That's the main thing I've noticed. Other than that, I'm very happy. It feels natural and I don't feel as stressed out.

See I've only been in 1 aspie-aspie official relationship and I've dated a few aspies. And I'm not terribly fond of it either. Well my first relationship, we talked a lot in the beginning and became stale quickly once we ran out of things to talk about. There was no natural spark, just some common interests but a relationship needs more then that. And i dated this aspie guy for a few months and well that outcome was pretty disasterous. We we're both stubborn and had poor communication problems. I never considered him a bf by any means tho. And then we got into a huge fight and never spoke to him again. So I learned the aspie traits in both partners dont always play to your advantage. For me, they more played to my disadvantage. Anyways, I'm quite happy with my NT bf now. I seemed to like NT guys who are a touch of socially awkward but not downright socially awkward.