This new Facebook meme scares the crap out of me

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"I am Adam Lanza's Mother"

Not for the reasons it would have scared the crap out of me three years ago, when I was in the middle of it.

What scares me about this post is the (understandable) level of despair the mother is articulating. She clearly feels like her son will never improve and things will never get better. While, of course, I have no idea what this family's story is, this particular post going viral means that many, many people are going to use this story to confirm their assumptions - assumptions that are already flying around the internet: People. With. Diagnoses. Are. Bad. And. Scary.

My heart goes out to this mother, and all the mothers she lists in her post - and I do think "There but for the grace of God" (well, except I'm an atheist - so the non-religious version) but that being said, we as a community need to fight back against the tendency to paint all mentally ill or neurologically different people with one, big, scary brush.

I am, and my son is - so far - a success story, in large part due to the help I received both here and IRL. I expect we will have setbacks, but I know that with continued support (and the support is actually pretty minimal) my son will do just fine. He came back from this, as have many other children on WP.

Please put quote brackets, because I was confused for a good amount of time. Sorry for the order-like grammar; thank you.

That's not really a Facebook meme. It seems more like an opinion article to me.

Sorry; usually URLS are highlighted and I figured that would set it apart without quotes.

This is an opinion article that has been shared all over Facebook.

Yep, George Tekai just shared it, which is I think the point at which it officially becomes a Facebook meme.

In the comments, I found this counterpoint article which I think expresses my concerns exactly:http://thegirlwhowasthursday.wordpress.com/2012/12/16/you-are-not-adam-lanzas-mother/

Disclaimer: no one can ever really know what the right thing to do is in someone else's situation, and I don't normally form opinions about other people's actions, but this mother has put something out there that millions have read and shared, and I believe that makes the actions worth discussing.

The mother's actions in that article really bothered me. How can you threaten a child with a mental hospital for saying they want to kill themselves? As in using it as a threat, not a haven. Isn't the mention of suicide where you ask questions and dig around, trying to see what the heck is going on in their heads and if they might mean it this time? I just couldn't help feeling while reading her story that she set him up, that she had opportunities to divert the conclusion and did not act upon them. Sure, we've probably all done it, not realizing it until later, but no where does she suggest her actions were anything but 100% appropriate.

It is so hard to say if what I would be doing in her situation would work, because I'm not in her situation, but she's running around with conventional wisdom responses that we all hear know don't work for our kids, so it seems like a long shot that they'd work for hers.

Maybe we should write our own piece.

"We are not Adam Lanza's mom."

We have children with special needs. Our children are on the Autistic Spectrum. Some of us have children that are mentally ill. But none of us our Adam Lanza's mom. Every single one of our children is unique, and no two special needs or mentally ill child will ever be exactly alike.

We've chucked conventional parenting theories out the window and found solutions that we believe work for us. We believe that to give our children their best future, and a positive place in society, they have to feel accepted, loved and HEARD. They need to discover that the confusing world around them does hold a positive future for them, even if much the world will never fully make sense to them. And that is a challenge: children like ours are too often misunderstood, bullied, and forced into holes that don't fit them by the people around them, sometimes even by their parents, and all of that can make the world seem like a very hurtful place to a child with issues. But we, as a group of parents, have developed our own protocol and have seen RESULTS. Our children are thriving in ways others often would not have believed possible for them.

We don't know what life was like for Adam Lanza or his mom. We can never know because we were not either one of them, and we don't know all the issues they struggled with.

In our parenting, we can only respond to the stories we hear directly from the autistic community, from our own children, and from parents who are raising children similar to ours. When you get something right with your child, you know it: your child feels good about his place in the world. When you haven't solved it yet, you know that, too, and you keep looking.

One thing we do know is that a supportive community makes a huge, positive, difference, and allows our children to thrive as positive, contributing members. We also have seen how a negatively rigid environment or one that allows labeling and bullying can set our children back and force them into darker places than they might otherwise go.

To use this tragedy to reach negative conclusions about any child you know in your community would be a step backwards for that child. Please don't do it. That child isn't Adam Lanza. And his mother is not Adam Lanza's mom.

Please edit and share your thoughts.

The fact that this woman was told that the only way she is going to get help is if her son gets arrested for something and put into the system is what is WRONG, so very, very wrong.

That seems to be the way it goes for everything with our spectrum kids. In the public school system, you can't get real help until every possible (cheaper) avenue has been explored and the child has hit bottom. I don't know what may or may not have made a difference for the young man in Newtown but there needs to be more proactive ways that are accepted as standard methods for helping people with mental and neurological issues. It seems the best we've got right now are professionals who mostly throw sh*& at the wall and see what sticks or the school system which doles out services with the parsimony of Ebeneezer Scrooge until a parent forces their hand by bringing other professionals to the table or the child's behavior becomes so unmanageable that they admit more resources must be brought to bear.

Thanks DW. Well put, can I share?

he sounds crazy, she needs to do something, what I don't know.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Just agreeing that it is a meme... I have had it re-posted 3 times on my Facebook and I only have about 100 friends.

DW, that was very well written.

DW, I think this is a really powerful idea, and I'd love the crowdsourcing aspect of it.

OliveOilMom - I don't disagree that the child in this article sounds seriously troubled and who knows why, nor that somebody needs to do something about it. I've also been in a place where I couldn't see anything but a tragic future, and I think many parents go there when things are going badly. What this article is missing is that healing a family is a process, that it isn't static, and that kids and parents can change for the better provided they get what they need. (I know that sounds like an afterschool special, but it's true.)

DW, with your permission, here's my version - and I hope other parents on this board - ESPECIALLY the ones on the spectrum - chime in with their edits, too.

"We are not Adam Lanza's mom."

We are parents of children with special needs. In particular, our children are on the Autistic Spectrum. Some of us have children that are mentally ill. None of us are Adam Lanza's mom. Every single one of our children is unique, and no two special needs or mentally ill child will ever be exactly alike.

We found most often that by listening to our kids, we could find solutions that work for us - which often means chucking conventional parenting theories out the window.

We believe that to give our children their best future, and a positive place in society, they have to feel accepted, loved and HEARD. They need to discover that the confusing world around them does hold a positive future for them, even if much the world will never fully make sense to them.

That is a challenge: children like ours are too often misunderstood, bullied, and forced situations where they just don't fit by the people around them - sometimes even by their parents - and all of that can make the world seem like a very hurtful place. But our group of parents have developed our own protocol based on what we have learned, and we have seen RESULTS. Our children are thriving in ways others would not have believed possible for them.

We don't know what life was like for Adam Lanza or his Mom. We can never know because we were not either one of them, and we don't know their story.

We can only respond to our own stories; stories we hear directly from our autistic community, from our own children, and from similar parents who share their stories with us. When you get something right with your child, you know it: your child feels good about his place in the world. When you haven't solved it yet, you know that, too, and you keep looking. This is true for all parents, and it's true for us, too.

One thing we do know is that a supportive community makes a huge, positive difference. A community not only supports parents, but allows our children to thrive as contributing members. We also have seen the immediate, negative effects of an environment that allows labeling and bullying, or that has rigid expectations or attaches stereotypes to our children and families. These environments can set our children back and force them into darker places than they might otherwise go.

To use this tragedy to reach negative conclusions about any child you know in your community would be a step backwards for that child.

Please don't do it.

That child isn't Adam Lanza, and his mother is not Adam Lanza's Mom.

I am going to have to be honest and say I see this in an entirely different way.

Perhaps because I spent years working with the chronically and seriously mentally ill, children and adolescents included. Perhaps because I have a friend who knows that now that her son is larger than she is, it is only a matter of time. It isn't about "family healing." Sometimes it is seriously about very scary stuff. With no answers. The fact that this family has to have a drill that her young children have rehearsed just to stay safe tells me that the experiences this mother has had are something that I can't even comprehend. My heart goes out to this woman. I cannot imagine being in her shoes. I cannot imagine looking at the boy who used to be my tiny baby and knowing deep in my heart that he has the ability to hurt someone. Badly. Can you even imagine?

I am all for putting our own message out, but I am steadfastly against starting it with "We are not Adam Lanza's mother" or anything like that. To do so, IMHO, trivializes the profoundly painful situation this woman, and other mothers like her, face on a daily basis. What she did took immense courage. Can you even imagine admitting to the world that you are fearful that your kid could one day open fire on innocent people? Can you imagine how isolating, lonely, heartbreaking, and scary it is?

No, most of our kids bear no resemblance to this. But that does not mean there are not kids like Adam Lanza out there. I think their mothers need our support and understanding. They need our help. They aren't even safe in their own homes. My Gosh...I cannot even imagine. I seriously can't. To be in fear of your own 13 year old child.

My life is a piece of cake, comparatively speaking.

InThisTogether, I appreciate your honesty.

Don't get me wrong - I am not in any way trying to trivialize what this mother is going through. There are definitely mentally ill children out there, and families often have to face the unspeakable. I am not saying that it is right for a family to live in fear of a child because they have no help. I am also not saying it never happens - in fact, I've been there. I started posting on this forum during the time when I was hiding the knives in my own house.

What I'm uncomfortable with is the direct connection this article makes between a child with unresolved mental and/or neurological issues and adult-level calculated, deliberate violence. There is no evidence to support this assertion, but there is an awful lot of damaging conjecture as this idea takes root.

What worries me most right now is that my son's history of outbursts are known to some of his classmates, even though they are several years behind him. If we allow the dialogue to become /violent outbursts in childhood = adult mass shooter/ my own family is going to pay the price.

So, I think we're looking for a way to acknowledge that there are families out there in desperate need of help, that there are real, serious obstacles they face both from within their family and from outside their homes - but that their and our children are human beings who deserve respect and privacy, and don't deserve to have their names spoken in the same breath as that of a murderer when they are still just 13 years old.

As for Adam Lanza, I do agree with DW that we have no real way of knowing what it is that caused this event, and we may never know.