What did you tell your kids about Newtown?

Post Reply New Topic

We purposefully did not tell our ASD 6 yo about the school shooting and we don't ever have the TV or radio on with news channels where he could have overheard the news. I misjudged the extent to which other parents of first graders would let their children hear about this news and of course the first thing this morning a little girl announced to DS that 20 kids and 6 adults had gotten shot at a school. Now I don't know if I should bring it up with him this evening and try to see if he is thinking about it or wait and see if he brings it up himself. I would love to hear how any of you handled this with your kids.

I told mine nothing, as we do not expose him to the news due to the adult nature of the content, and his emotional immaturity. I asked the teacher to let me know if anything is said at school, so I can handle it at home. They are avoiding it there, too, unless specifically asked..

If I have to deal with it, I am just going to try to address what his specific concerns are. If he hears about it, I expect an anxious "What if..." type question because he does that anyway but especially when stressed. I will probably have to wing it, but my current idea is to talk about it being a low probability event, which means I may have to calculate the actual probability...

...Off to go get stats on school shootings....

Edited to add:

According to http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nati ... t/1769367/

the probability is approximately 1 out of 2 million, so 0.0000005 or 5e -7 as a decimal, and .00005% ( in case anyone would be helped with this stat.)

I told my DS (age 9) last night. I knew he would hear it at school, and I wanted to make sure he heard it from me and felt safe. I also told my DD6 ( who is NT and will be 7 in 2 weeks) for the same reason. They will hear about it at school from the other kids. I did not go into any real detail. Basically I just told them that a bad man, across the country hurt some kids at school and he can no longer hurt anyone again, and that they were safe at school. I told them the only reason I am telling them is that they will hear stuff at school and I did not want them to be scared about what the heard. I told them I was not going to go into detail about what happened, but they were free to ask me if they had questions.

My two 11 year olds know everything. The 8 year olds know a crazy man killed 20 little kidsat school far away from here in CT. We don't have the news on when they are awake either; however, I learned from other tragedies that I had to tell them because all the kids talk at recess about this stuff a lot. I would rather them hear it first from me and we can talk through it. I asked after school today and yes, most of the kids seemed to know all of it.

My son is 12, and many of his friends know his diagnosis. Considering the words Asperger's and Autism are being bandied about, I wanted him to have scripts ready just in case.

We were pretty matter-of-fact; the day it happened, we simply said "There's been another school shooting. Let us know if you have any questions" (Could you ever have imagined we'd live in a world where those words would come out of your mouth?) The sad truth is that there has been a lot of gun violence in our area recently, and to him it isn't much different than hearing people were killed in a car accident. We didn't give any details because he didn't ask.

However, when the diagnosis became news, I decided to offer a little more. I waited until we were all in the car (I find that makes conversations easier, because eye contact is basically unneccessary) and said "There's more about that shooting. We want you to know that there is speculation the perpetrator has Asperger's." DS didn't really react, so I said "Just in case kids at school are talking about it, I wanted to give you some things you could say. Like 'If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism,' or 'There isn't any connection between autism and this kind of violence."

DS thought for a minute and he said "I'll just say it's speculation, and speculation is basically just a guess." Which I also thought was a good answer.

Apparently, it either didn't come up or DS was able to handle it because he came home from school in a good mood.

I blew it, and I'm looking for suggestions on how to get that teaching moment back. My dd is 13 and interested in world events, so she watched it on the news with me. Later, when I told her father about the speculations that the shooter had Asperger's, she overheard. She opened the door of my room and looked very upset and said "I'm not going to shoot you or anything!" I was caught off guard (had no idea she was listening at the door) and just said I knew she wouldn't do that. I would have liked to tell her that these speculations were upsetting to me, not because I was afraid she was like that, but because I was worried about what might be said at school. I hate the way people treat people on the spectrum and I often wish the world would go away and leave my awesome family alone. On the other hand, she wants to be out there and pass as NT, and any suggestion she isn't invisible or like everyone else makes her withdraw into miserable silence. Although teachers and some of the parents of her friends at school know her dx, she does not disclose and usually gets upset when I even mention autism or Asperger's. Any idea how I can better help her feel something positive about being part of the ASD community?
J.

My son is 11 very open about having AS. He just did a PowerPoint to his class explaining how it is a different way of thinking and how he struggles, but isn't mentally impaired. It went very well and he felt very positive about it. It seems to have inspired him. He loves to draw comics and started to draw a comic book about Aspergers. When the topic became that Adam Lanza might be an Aspie, I was worried he might get a hard time at school. I probed him yesterday. While the kids were all talking about the school shooting. No one at school seemed to know the AS part or make a connection. I am going to keep probing until the topic quiets down. I think it is important to stress that being Aspergers or autistic doesn't make someone violent. I am glad there have been some articles int he media by professionals stressing that point. That kid obviously had some other mental health issues that sadly were either missed or not taken care of as they should have been.

My son seems to have a desire to connect with other Aspies. I think he wants to know he isn't alone or maybe he thinks they are going to get him better. I ma not sure. We are Latter Day Saints (Mormon) We have a web site called I am a Mormon where people can share their stories. I did a search on there for Aspergers and found where many young adults with Aspergers have posted on there. When we have time, I plan to show it to him and let him read their stories so he can relate.

If you know he's heard about it, bring it up, since he may be afraid to upset you by mentioning it. Just make sure to tell him that what happened in that school was very unusual.

I had a long discussion with DS this morning about "correlation does not mean causation." I think this logic will work for kids on the spectrum (plus, this particular confusion is a pet peeve of mine in much of what passes for science these days.) Point out that many mass shooters have glasses, or dark hair, or are male - but nobody connects this to their actions.

The problem is (and this is something a kid on the spectrum may need explained) that when something horrible happens, many people try to make sense of it. It doesn't make sense - end of story. People are grasping at straws to explain something that is completely inexplicable.

I also talked about how people are confused about the difference between how you feel, how you process information, and what you DO. I explained to DS that nobody can control their feelings or how their brain works or how other people treat them - but everybody has a choice about how they ACT. It simply doesn't matter how this guy was wired, or what else was going on with him - he chose to do this; he followed through on a multi-step plan to do it.

We talked about how sad we feel about the victims, and I told DS I am sad for the shooter, too. Even if he was solely responsible for his actions, I said I was sorry that he lived a life where that was an acceptable course of action. I said that all of it was a tragedy; the students, the teachers and staff, and the perpetrator and his family. (DS does not know the victims were small children; I am not certain he could process that piece of the information.)

We also talked about how people just don't understand what autism means. DS disclosed that a friend (whose brother has Asperger's, too) had hurt his feelings by saying that "maybe if he was reincarnated, he wouldn't have Asperger's then." He said he'd said "Hell, no! I LIKE being this way!" and we had a little conversation about how people don't understand and make assumptions about what autism is like.

Postcards, I hope this helps you. DS was fortunate in that the first kid we met when he was diagnosed was one of those supergenius computer-hacker types, so this helped him reframe AS. He still struggles with the word "autism" and gets very angry when it is applied to him. We do a social skills class with other kids on the spectrum, and I think that helps a little (after two years in this group, he is just now starting to focus on the positives of his peers, instead of the negatives. It took a long time.)

Sometimes, we do talk about magical and famous Aspies - he and his Dad read "Be Different" as a bedtime story, we've watched "Temple Grandin" together, and I'm always looking for examples or books that show autistic people in a positive/realistic light (I like the books by Kathy Hoopman, but haven't yet explored her YA series.) This is a double-edged sword, because sometimes DS wonders why he doesn't have magical superpowers like all those people, so we have to explain it in other ways. (For another female role model, Bombaloo has posted here about Miss Montana - there are many interviews where she talks about her experiences in school that might be helpful.) It's hard to find a balance, but I just keep looking for those teachable moments, which it looks like you are doing, too.

I havent spoke to my 7yo about it, he is homeschooled and thus far none of his homeschool friends have brought it up. If it does come up, I plan to tell him it was a bad man who got into a school, and sadly killed some people and leave it at that.

Thank you all for sharing. Most of the time (not always) I feel pretty confident about the decisions I make in raising my children but for whatever reason this incident and the media focus on the shooter's Asperger's has me feeling a little lost and scared. You all have given me some good things to think about and I feel a bit more on track. I wanted to share this op-ed from the NY Times from yesterday:

Don't Blame Autism

Thank you, Buyer Beware. You are right, I shouldn't expect my daughter to embrace difference at this age, when she is trying so hard to fit in and make friends. She also knows that her autism is responsible for a lot of cognitive deficits, so school is a big challenge even aside from the social stuff. I think I'll have a talk with her about how empathetic, sensitive and generous she is, to reinforce the fact that she is nothing like the perpetrator of such a hateful action.
I hope all your kids are doing well and looking forward to some relaxed family time.
J