Marraige Crashing Bad

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I've been married 20 years and it seems to be coming to a grinding halt. As I've become older, it has been harder to play the "normal" game with everyone. My wife knows about Aspergers but accuses me of using it as an excuse for everything. I don't think that I do. I just try to get her to understand the reasons I might act a certain way. I'm tired, very tired. I feel like taffy being pulled too thin by people who want me to meet their expectations instead of accepting who I am.

I'm not outwardly emotional.
I'm called cold and distant.
I'm called selfish and self-centered and that I don't think of anyone but myself.
I never apologize (I agree because I won't apologize when I feel I haven't done anything wrong)

I've had a very difficult time concentrating and have made a mess of my art career by having terrible work habits. This gets me called lazy. Now I get insulted for spending my time "coloring" and was just put down for referring to myself as an artist a few minutes ago. Because we are fighting, I got insulted for doing things no one wants.

I am always in trouble for spending too much time on the computer. I used to do all my painting digitally but I've decided to go back to doing it the real way. I don't like not having a physical end product when things are done on the computer. I don't play video games or watch porn. I read a lot of news and other articles. I can maintain a good focus on what I'm doing when I am on the computer and don't notice the time going by. I have cut back drastically though for the last several months.

I think I might just be wrong for marriage. My wife is Bi-Polar so that adds to many of our problems. We have a 25 yr old son who also is ADD and probably Asperger as well. He still lives at home and doesn't drive. He has a good job and we share living expenses. I've not worked a real day job in 10 years since I developed severe depression and have had several back surgeries. I'm a chronic pain sufferer and take morphine. I also have a spinal stimulator that is supposed to help control pain but drugs or the electronics don't really help much. The drugs tend to make me even more lethargic.

I feel like I'm at the end. I just want to stop, I think. I sleep a lot due to medication and that has become another item of discord between my wife and I. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. I live in relative isolation with no other close friends to speak of. It is all pathetic. I wish I could start over again with what I know now about my mental health issues. Too bad that isn't possible. The future seems bleak with my marriage crashing around my ears.

Why am I writing this? There's nothing anyone can do for me. I think I just want to find a way to live alone so I can concentrate on my drawing without the obligations of being a partner.

Crashing, tired, miserable and without direction.

davidbr sorry to hear you are going through such tough times.

When you say you don't express your emotions outwardly? Do you express them at all? This has been my Achilles heel, pretty much all my life, but I am trying to change. Even if by writing, I try to show others I care (still painfully hard with some people). Maybe by painting, which you express to be a passion of yours? Do you think your wife would appreciate something like that? Painting something for her?

I may just be talking rubbish, but I was trying to put myself in your shoes.

I recommend trying the following:

1. Turn off the computer and ask your wife on a date to the local coffee shop.
2. Apologize when you've upset people, on the grounds that you upset them and didn't mean to.
3. Seek marriage counseling.

That's an important point. In Customer Services training when being taught to handle difficult angry customers I had to learn that saying "I'm sorry" does not have to mean an admission that they are right and you are wrong. It can just mean "I can see that you are angry because you are failing to understand the logic behind my argument, and, because I represent a company that aims to please, I am sorry to see that you are angry."

Once I understood that apologising doesn't have to mean "I was wrong" but rather it can also mean "I am sorry that you are angry /hurting," I apologise to people a lot.

Apologising is a great technique. It diffuses anger. Most of the time, the angry person only wants you to admit that they are right. Once they think they have that admission, they will calm down, and will have no justification for continuing to shout and be angry.

Of course, the people you are apologising to will think that your apology means an admission that they were right - but it doesn't. They don't have to know that, though. Let them think that they were right if it pleases their little heads. Just get on with the apologising, and things will all be smoothed over.

Hope this helps a tiny bit somehow.

Maybe you have low testosterone levels.

Last edited by Growlithe on 22 Dec 2012, 11:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.

im only 18. I don't have good marriage advice.

I know this situation well If you plan on staying expect to at times to do better than your best. stretched thin stretch more.
If you plan on leaving please do be cordial about it. Advice form some one who was in a similar boat.

Couldn't have said it better! (Added the bold part though.) Do this soon enough you might be able to save your marriage!

I've said it to others but it bears repeating - the pain from loss is worse than the inconvenience and effort of change. Do the work now... you two will likely be happier for it! Then you owe me a beer.