Aspie Traits or Abuse?

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I need some advice on a subject...I have been in a relationship with an Aspie for almost a year now. I am an NT. I am having a difficult time determining whether or not certain behaviors engaged in by my Aspie partner are just aspie traits or if it is abuse. The behaviors are as follows:

-has a really hard time if I want to go see my friends, seems to be jealous of the time I would spend with him and says I should spend it with him instead.

-calls my family names (bad ones), has no respect for them at all, even to the point of being disrespectful to me in regards to them by continuing to call them names to my face after I've asked him to not do it

-if I don't understand something he will talk down to me as though I am a child or as though I am stupid

-if I go out of town for any reason and can't talk to him as is our "normal routine" he gets hurt/mad at me and lashes out at me in ways such as refusing to answer my texts, tells me not to ever go again

-can only see his side of things, refuses to admit he isn't right even if he is honestly not right, thinks himself superior to all others including me

-hates one of my children, has stated he hates him, told me he doesn't deserve anything at all cause he's a bad behaved child

-laughs at my child, laughs at me

-when I try to talk about things in my life he says that he doesn't really care and he wasn't done talking about his stuff

-gets very upset when I don't reciprocate his i love you or his i miss you, yet, he doesn't always reciprocate mine especially if he's mad/hurt

-puts a lot of pressure on me to do things, makes me feel guilty for not doing things, throws tantrums big and severe enough to make me afraid to say no, not help, or do anything I want to do for me or my kids or in my life.

Can someone please help me? I don't want to think that he's abusing me and that it's only aspie traits. I'm scared, I feel very alone, I need some advice if possible. Thanks!

Aspie traits - though that does not mean you cant explain them and go over them with him.

What advice do you want exactly?

I don't think it's fair for anyone to lie to you about what it really is.

We've been over and over and over them. He always says "I can't help it" and it keeps continuing and it's making me feel horrible. I am emotionally drained all the time.

Consult with a professional. I think that would be the best route.

We've tried that too. My therapist says he's in the wrong. His therapist tells him to tell me to get over it and he's got aspergers. Beginning to think it's a no-win situation.

I want the honest truth. It is just aspergers, plain abuse or an aspie being an abuser? Then I will know what to do and where to go from there. I just don't understand aspergers enough to pick out if what his behaviors are is aspergers or abuse.

I mean you alone. Don't go to the same therapist he goes to. Find someone who won't be biased for him.

To be honest, even if he is an Aspie, he seems more than just that.

Last edited by MCalavera on 23 Dec 2012, 10:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

new therapist or new bf

What about a duel therapy session. Both people in the meeting.

What is he doing to address or work on his side? Anything?

we both go to different therapists. thought about couples counseling but I don't think he's open minded enough to go and actually "hear" what he/she says. I feel so alone in this. I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff and goodness knows I can't talk to him about anything. He takes it all so personally and then beats himself up over it then takes it out on me. I feel like giving up sometimes. Running away from him but I literally feel stuck, like my feet are nailed to the ground.

I misread about the therapist thing. Well, anyway, his therapist sounds like a dickhead.

He says he's doing tons of things. Honestly, I don't see much of anything from this side. He goes to therapy and says that's him trying to change. I sometimes can see him trying to empathize, and see my side of things. It's not often though. He does get less angry at me and the yelling at me has subsided a good deal. He doesn't tell me to go away as much. I have made a lot of changes though too. He is taking me through this "Aspie School" where he teaches me about "his Aspergers" how it affects him and so on. I've learned some about mind blindness, his need for "recoup time", and I tag all my messages to him so he knows every emotion I am feeling (this is a hard one a good bit of the time and honestly a pain in my butt and I hate it). A lot of my changes center around me catering to him and his Aspergers. I haven't really changed just rather grown complacent and numb to him. It's easier that way sometimes. Like this past weekend when I went out of town and he got upset and hurt because I wasn't there for him. I messed up his routine. He told me to never leave again and to not go see my family anymore. It's as if he tries to control his emotions, feelings, thoughts, world and actions through controlling me. I don't know what to make of it anymore.

Keep in mind I am also hearing what she says from "his side." It may not actually be true and he may be misinterpreting what she is saying. I try to keep that in mind. However, either way it sucks.

you ignored as sensible but heart wrenching option..why date this prick?

I love him and he keeps telling me it's Aspergers and he can't help it. I don't know if it is or if it isn't. I don't want to give up on him but dang it if I am not exhausted all the way around. It feels like another kid to take care of!