Can aspies apologise sincerley post meltdown?

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I started dating an aspie man one year ago today. Hes 53, hates labels and when ever i want to approach the subject that i know hes AS he dodges the subject and goes into why he hates labeling. i believe sometimes labeling can help matters especially whilst finding solutions, remedies and help. my ex husband and adult son are also aspies (strange coinsidence i know). I am NT, affectionate, very social and have a huge circle of good friends. I am trying my best to educate myself enough by reading everything i can about being in a relationship with an aspie, cause if i am to enter this ltr again (after my 24 yr marriage) i want to do it right this time.
many things do bother me about my bf but i do want to see if we can make it work. he says that i am 100% of what he wants but doesnt think he is what i am looking for. true, the robotic emotionless lack of warmth bothers me and his not being able to really be there for me has a big effect but i am still trying to move forward with him and see what happens. because when he is not in meltdown mode and trying to be less critical of me and more loving I really love to be together and i do love him very much.
he has two children, daughter age 13 and son age 15. about four months ago his daughter shut him out of her life. i dont know exactley what occured aside from his side of the story he told me, which was simply, "i asked her what she wanted for dinner and she said F YOU to me"...since that day, she has not spoken to him and will not spend any time with him. this is making him sad and miserable beyond beleif. and its seeping into our relationship as he is having more frequent meltdowns and outbursts since his fractured relationship with his daughter. he talks about her and their previous times together as if she were dead and he is grieving. i get the greiving over the loss of your children in divorce...i went thru it and go thru it daily not to mention the pain i am faced with during holidays such as xmas and birthdays etc.
so Xmas was a couple days ago...we had both been looking forward to it for many weeks. its his favourite time of the year (apparentley). of course i was indeed missing my kids but as always everything was about his daughter not being with him on this xmas, (the first one without her). he couldnt be grateful with me and his son being with him and present in the day. he couldnt be grateful for the roof over his head and a beautiful xmas dinner in the oven...he focused on his absent daughter.
the day before xmas he had short bouts of meltdowns and irrational outbursts (at me) and i let them go whilst dodging into another room or however i was finding coping best. then on xmas day...just as he was to serve the dinner (with only me and him as the dinner guests)...he went into a meltdown rage. i ran out of the house in the pouring rain (for two hrs) when he called me to come back i did, and he went into another rage. at that point i opened my mouth to say that if you have treated your daughter a fraction badly as you had treated me on this day then i know why she shut you out of her life and if you continue on me you will end up lonely and alone. he then threw me his car keys (to his spare car) and said "go"...i packed the car and did as he said and left. i drove in torrential rain for five hours home. he hasnt called me since and we are now on dec 28th (our one yr anniversary). i suggested we meet for a xmas re do yesterday via email and he eventually replied with a 'no' to that request and he said he is not yet ready to talk.
he has had other meltdowns and many outrageous irrational outbursts previously, but this was the worst. my question is...does he have remorse as he usually points the finger at me for everything and he never seems to take any responsibility for any problems that arise ever! is he able to apologise sincerely? i know he loves me deeply and wants a ltr with me...but at this point i dont think he thinks i can handle him and his way of beng. he always says this is who i am, if you dont like it then you have a decsision to make. i tell him when we have a fight what works for me is saying sorry and a hug and or kiss and moving on. can he do this? does the aspie have capacity to be truly sorry?

Yes, Aspies can apologize post-meltdown. Maybe this particular Aspie is passive aggressive, but Asperger's itself is not a barrier to apologizing. All people who have trouble apologizing, Asperger's or not, have trouble understanding how apologizing fixes the problem. They think the problem is that the other person is upset, and so its not their fault the partner is upset and the partner shouldn't project their problems. Face-blindness is a barrier, but it can be overcome because it is confusion, not bad intentions. Bad intentions means not caring, which is what it sounds like here. It's not the Asperger's.

So are you saying he doesnt care?

Yes I believe an Aspie can be truly sorry for what they done during a meltdown, this is base only on my own experience though. When I have a meltdown remorse comes pretty quick but I only apologize if I am sincere. I can not judge your boyfriend I don’t know him, but having AS should never be used as an excuse to not try harder in any relationship worth keeping. It sounds to mean you have been doing a lot of giving and not much receiving, that’s wrong. Aspie need to be handled with care, but we should never be cuddled*. It’s not good for us or those who choose to have relationship with us.



* I am using the worst sense of the word.

If he is indeed capable of feeling sorry for ruining our Xmas how is the best way to get a heartfelt apology? and/or approach a discussion on what happened or how we can prevent another meltdown affecting our relationship? or better yet...how we can prevent his daughters relationship (or lack of one) affecting ours?

“If you have met one aspie you have met one aspie” is a very true statement. I can’t really answer your questions because your bf is a unique individual who happens to have AS. I see the word we in your questions and that’s good, but he needs to do something it would seem to me. I have a wonderful caring wife who has chosen to spend her life with me for close to 30 years now, if I had acted this way, I believe she would wait on me to make the first move. No doubt he is experiencing difficulties but the man is 53 years old, perhaps it’s time for him to do some growing up.

Thank you for that, HYKSOS55...is there any way to 'prompt' him for an apology? or perhaps a tip on how to get an aspie to 'look within' rather than always pointing blame on others?

Let me ask my wife tonight she would know better then me. I really wish you success in this relationship if he can make healthy choices for it. You sound like a very gracious person and deserve to be happy.

Yes we can be. I apologize all the time after having a meltdown because I feel so guilty afterwards for my behavior.

after i left his house, just before we served out the meal...he probably sat down with a beautiful 15 lb organic turkey and many yummy side dishes... all alone. Then apparently he proceeded to throw everything in the trash. Perhaps out of anger of driving me away? I dont know? i never get the feeling that he is remorseful as he always points the finger of blame at me.
I have a feeling that when he is ready to talk about Xmas Day and the horrible results of telling me to leave. the blame will again point in my direction as he will be angry at me for leaving him alone at xmas. even tho HE TOLD ME to leave!! !! How can I make him understand that HE DID THIS?

This does note sound like a good relationship. I am autistic and I wouldn't behave like this. Honestly, I think "I'm sorry" at this point won't cut it. If he is not making an effort to change than I think you should move on.

Regarding the question, I know I feel remorse and I have been able to modify my behaviour over time. But I think your boyfriend has more going on than this and is not likely to change.

If he is overly stubborn, I don't think there is any way to convince him of his bad behaviour.
I can assure you from a previous situation that when I was in a meltdown mode that I left the place I was at. The reason why is exactly because of the stories you posted. I don't need people to see me in that condition nor do I want to.
If this guy was happy with you, then clearly this whole thing was also a self-fulfilling prophecy and he sabotaged the relationship based on that. Not the first aspie to do it, and certainly won't be the last. I don't know what it is with myself and some other Aspies trying to create probems when one doesn't exist. It actually boggles the normal part of my mind even thinking about it.

After speaking with my wife about this, she informed me she has never been able to prompt an apology out of me. Her exact quote was "If she's not willing to give and give and keep on giving like Mother Teresa she needs to look elsewhere." She also said it was painful to read your post and, "After 24 years of paying your dues, I would think long and hard about continuing with this one."

Some people just cannot and WILL not apologize. Ever. My ex, mother and several women (and a handful of men) I've worked with were like this... They see admitting a fault as some kind of weakness - something only losers do. Some, like my mother, distort reality completely to pretend a different sequence of events happened, making them either the hero or the victim. (That's called DARVO - Distract And Reverse Victim Order... a lot of people do it, some expertly.)

My father is similar, I'm an diagnosed Aspie, but my father definably has something on the spectrum. He'll never admit to it though.
I have meltdowns in relationships, but I feel very bad for them. Whether you have Aspergers or not doesn't give you the right to be like that. Id advise you to write down how his actions have effected you, and send it to him or email it. I cant express myself with verbal communication very well, and I personally find it easier to understand things if they're written down.

The older the person the more set in their ways they are, and ultimately the harder to break those ways become. Every Aspie is different, so its hard to know for certain what another Aspie is going through. If he cant make the effort to get help, its probably best to consider moving on. What I know for certain is no one can change someone, they have to want to change themselves. I've met many an Aspie, and some are just really nasty people.

Sure he may need help, but lets be honest he's been around long enough to get the help he needs to progress. Give him an ultimatum he gets help or he walks away. My dad met someone and changed drastically, if he can change his way everyone else should be able to.

Blue max as usual nails it.
its not something to do with being aspie that people blame being plain rude on, we are simply socially awkward miss signals ect.
Being complete arrogaunt monsters is not part of aspergers at all, nor should it get misunderstood to be.