Don't think I've ever been more miserable and desperate

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I stopped coming here a number of months back after a "disagreement" with a couple of regulars. A really offensive message was posted here which I took objection to (and in retrospect I still think the person was being deliberately offensive and was deliberately baiting people and yet was stood up for because of his/her status in the community. I asked the question at the time: If a less long-standing member of the community made those comments would they have been tolerated? No answer was forthcoming which suggests to me that that the answer was "NO". Frankly that whole thing destroyed me and left me asking a lot of questions and feeling VERY cynical and I didn't come here for months. I tried to find somewhere else to go where I could just speak to people but every other autism forum on the internet has about 5 posts per day max i.e. they are completely useless.

Since then I've been formally diagnosed with AS. In addition to that I've had the shittiest time of my life recently. I was supposed to move into a house with my friends until very shortly before one of them decided to have a MASSIVE go at me because I was having a meltdown. I retaliated verbally with probably the worst tirade of abuse I have ever given a person. Of course being the aspie I have the lowest social status amongst my friends and as such everybody sided with him. I actually don't have any more friends but it has sort of cleared up now and I am talking to them but going to the house destroys me and that is the ONLY social contact I get (when I say it has cleared up I mean that it is no longer ongoing). They are also really bad at answering phone etc - whether that is just to me or generally I don't know. My dad keeps telling me that the way they have treated me they are not my friends at all but I really don't know - this is one of those situations where my lack of understanding of social mechanics leaves me completely puzzled. Even if he is right that doesn't help a lot - how does a 30 year old aspie in a small town with no support start completely afresh with friends etc?

Now I am in the situation of having to move into somewhere on my own and I just can't face it. Right now I live with my mother which in itself drives me crazy - she can't deal with my autism at all (I think she feels guilty that I got to near-enough 30 without anyone other than me figuring out there was something wrong and that I wasn't just "acting up" or whatever) and that causes a horrible feedback mechanism making us both more ill. Nearly every day I wake up and immediately freak/meltdown/whatever you like to call it because I can't face another day sat in this room on my own. I can't even focus on any of my interests so I just sit and obsess and obsess and obsess. I HAVE to get out because being here makes me ill but I am also terrified because my MAIN problem is the amount of time I spend alone. If I get a place on my own I am likely to end up spending EVEN MORE time alone. There are NO other options available and that is destroying me. The level of loneliness I feel right now makes me want to not live anymore - I constantly contemplate suicide and I'm so scared that if/when I move into somewhere alone that the loneliness will push me over the edge and I will actually do it. I'm totally freaking out, I just wish I could go to sleep tonight and not wake up again to be honest.

I don't know if anyone will even read this or if anyone will give a s**t. Maybe someone will remember the altercation I mentioned at the start of the post. The fact is though that I have nobody I can speak to in real-life and I am really scared that another few days of being in this state will tip me over the edge. I really don't want to live life like this anymore. Truth is I don't REALLY want to die either but right now that would feel preferable - I just don't have the courage to do anything about it (and I also feel guilty about the consequences to my family). I just want some people around to spend my time with rather than (literally) spending 98% or so of my life alone. If that can't happen I really would rather die.

Sorry you're going through such a tough time. I am not familiar with the thread in which this disagreement to take place, so I have no comment on it except Welcome Back!

Moving out on your own may not be so bad . . . will you be living close to your mom and will she be supportive? It's a big change, but sometimes change leads to good things.

If your friends make you angry and feel unwelcome they may not be worth it; but I know what you mean about needing some social contact. I go to various social gatherings which I don't particularly enjoy just to "get out." Being in a small town must make that even harder.

Do you have a doctor you are seeing? You mentioned that you were recently diagnosed. If so, I would talk to him/her about your suicidal thoughts. He may be able to help.

I've been where you are, and around the same age, too. The difference was I really was suicidal and swallowed 48 sleeping pills. They pumped my stomach in an acute hospital (where I was out for two solid days) and sent me to a psych hospital for two months. Needless to say, that was one of the lowest points in my life. Ugh! I'd hate to revisit those days again. They say that, when you're suicidal, staying alive is the best revenge. It's hard to determine what gives people hope - money, a mate, a child, an automobile. Mine was writing. Hopefully, soon, you'll find yours. Life has its bad moments but it seems they never last forever.

She will be nearish but she isn't very good at giving emotional support. In fact nobody I know is helpful in that respect which I guess is a big part of the problem. I don't think any of them really understand autism and people's attempts at help usually involve "Well why don't you do X? That worked for me when I was 'depressed'" (my quotes on the depressed because the people in question seem to think that being in a bad mood for a week equates to depression) or "You really have to stop letting Y affect you so much". Well no s**t people! So yea I basically don't get any support emotionally - my mother just cries every time it comes up, my father shouts at me because he doesn't understand (and is maybe frustrated?) and we've already discussed my friends.

There are no gatherings or ASD support groups or anything like that locally (that I have been able to find so far anyway). I am supposed to see a psychiatrist again soon (the same guy who diagnosed me) but I have had paradoxical reactions to every med I took and the wait for therapy is LONG so it doesn't look like they are going to be able to help much either.

I feel a bit better this morning but that is largely because I am doped up to the eyeballs on diazepam right now. I am terrified to go to sleep because I feel pretty sure I'm going to wake up in the same state again. Can't stop fantasising about death or just getting in my car and driving to who knows where to get away from all of this. Yesterday my neighbours (who are also our landlords) turned up because of the noise I made and really invaded my personal space i.e. came into my room; now I feel even worse about being here; like the next time I slam a door they are gonna be all up in my s**t again. I can't relax at all because of it. Right now I wish somebody would just put me out of my misery.

edit: Thanks for the responses.

Was it me? I'm usually the Minister Responsible for Upsetting People around here.

That is unfortunate. Sadness and anger are not helpful. Maybe they blame themselves. That would be ironic, because that you have ASD means that it is not their fault. People have strange reactions to things sometimes.


Don't give up on treatment . . . it took me 40 years to find the right combination, but I finally did and I feel much better. I wouldn't want to go through the bad times again, but I'm glad I made it to this point.


I know that fantasy . . . trouble is, wherever you go, there you are.

I still think the move to your own apartment may be good - it's not an end to your relationship with your parents, but it may give them the space they need to come to terms with their feelings.

You sound very depressed; make use of your psychiatrist. Things won't be like this forever.

Don't give up on finding the most effective treatment for you, even if it takes time. I think the doctir who diagnosed you is supportive and the right guy to speak to professionally about this.

Family may attempt to understand autism and aspergers but they don't really know how to deal with it. It's not "visible" enough for them to deal with compared to something like blindness or physically disabled. On this forum, most of us are there to support one another, as we can relate to each other. I was diagnosed only 3 years ago and it has helped me a great deal. I had a great deal more stress before that as I could not put a name to my condition or explain anything to anyone. I went through many bad experiences as a result. I joined this website to learn as much as possible and also to help others where its possible. We may be thousands of km apart but the online village can be a place where you have genuine friends. Years ago, this interaction was not possible.

Make a list of all the things that you feel positive about, e g your talents/hobbies. Take things a step at a time. Keep focused on improving your situation - the fact that you are sharing your experiences on this forum shows that you want to get better. I believe you can count on the support of those that have posted replies here.

Your situation with your friends sounds very much like something I had gone through many years ago. My friends had ganged up on me with criticizing me because I was going through a depression (although at the time I didn't realize it) and I was therefore a drag to be around. At one point my dad had said something similar, that I should probably get new friends. This was really terrible advice, because over ten years later we are still really good friends, even if we've been through some rough patches.

Your dad almost certainly is getting an incomplete picture of how you and your friends relate with each other. If you gave your friend "the worst tirade of abuse" and he's still willing to talk to you, that to me sounds like a really good friend. OK, it's really insensitive to pick on someone while they're down, but people are imperfect and selfish. Everyone is to some extent. As long as your friends aren't being mean to you now, it's worth trying to get over your discomfort.

It's really important to maintain social contact because it can put you in bad mental state without it. It is also good to broaden the type of people you socialize with. Maybe you could take some sort of class like tai chi, crafts, language, or whatever else you might think of.

I know this sounds preachy, but hopefully it will be of some comfort or practical. Anyone who disagrees, please feel free to criticize.

Haha no it wasn't you; as I recall you and I share a view or two :p



He is actually very good - he's a consultant psychiatrist who specialises in learning difficulties (which is the label ASDs get for the purposes of our National Health Service). He said that in his experience (and you don't get to his level in his profession without knowing your stuff) it is not uncommon for people with ASDs, particularly high functioning people, to have no reaction or paradoxical reactions to antidepressants and because I have had such reactions to every one I took so far he doesn't think it worthwhile to continue experimenting with those. He mentioned the possibility of anti-psychotics but I'd really rather not go down that route if I can avoid it so I guess it's a case of waiting for the therapy.



Indeed I think there are certain people who are just never going to be able to properly understand ASDs... I can't really blame them because I don't understand most NT people either. I guess that's why I came back to this site; it was really really difficult to do because of the above-mentioned episode (which I don't really want to revisit - it would be pointless) but this is about the only place for people with ASDs I've found online where there are more than about 10 posts per day. I think most people feel the need to be understood (although I know there are a few people on this forum who have professed to not care either way - oh how I wish I too didn't care) and there are just some aspects of living with this stuff that only somebody else who has to deal with it can ever properly understand.



Thank you, it has actually helped a little (not gonna lie hehe) that people have taken their time to think about my problems and respond to them. I hope that at some point when I am less tied up with my own crap that I will be able to reciprocate and offer some support to others in the same way as it has been offered to me.



I think they do blame themselves. I'm pretty sure my dad is actually an aspie too even though he isn't diagnosed so I can't blame him for getting frustrated and shouty - I do the exact same thing as we learned earlier in the thread :p



I can't imagine how you managed for 40 years dealing with this stuff. I'm glad that you finally hit upon the things that work for you. I think I can probably manage without meds if I get the right therapy to deal with my obsessive thoughts (I have OCD too and I put the O in OCD :p) and get into a better home situation.



You're right of course which is why, I guess, it stays a fantasy. Also with the apartment; I've lived independently before so being back living with my mum really isn't great. OK I did make a total mess of it before but that was before I knew I has an ASD which, I think, is some pretty vital information which will allow me to approach things differently. I think I need help getting some kind of routine set up; like most people with ASDs I do better when I live a routine and ordered life but I *really* struggle to get into a routine so atm my life is totally chaotic which I think we can all agree is not helpful for people with our type of difficulties. I think if all of those things can fall into place I'll probably be fine in the end but I feel like it is going to be a serious uphill battle.



I pretty much agree with you re: the friends thing. Lets be honest, nobody is perfect and everybody acts like a dick sometimes. I guess one of the points of friendship is that you accept it when people do that (unless it gets to a ridiculous point) and move on. It doesn't sound preachy, it is good advice; the only catch is that I am really really bad at following good advice lol. Still I will think about everything which has been said and even just writing things down and discussing them with some people who are not emotionally invested in the situation helps put things into perspective a little; so thank you again to everyone who took time to respond. As I said before I hope that when I'm able to stop obsessing about my crap that I will be able to help someone else in turn; even just a little.

Next dilemma: Do I go to their (the before-mentioned friends) NYE party and potentially become upset or do I stay home? It's important to note that unless I stay sober so I can drive then I am stuck there for the night because they live in the next town across and taxis are crazy expensive on NYE.

Seroquel (anit-psychotic) has been a great help to me. It helps me to think in a less "all or nothing" way; that is, my thinking is more rational and by extension my dealings with others is easier. But, it's different for everyone.


The chances of staying sober at a New Year's Eve party are low; so you will probably stay over. If you're anything like me, this is an unacceptable variation in routine. But if you think you would enjoy yourself, then why not?

How long have you been taking seroquel for? Have you experienced any unpleasant side-effects? If so how did those side-effects compare to, for example, any SSRIs or SNRIs you may have tried? If I remember correctly an ex-girlfriend of mine was taking seroquel for extreme depression and what I think amounted to PTSD over a miscarried baby with her previous man. As I remember they made her VERY fatigued; she could easily sleep for 14 hours a day (she did also have CFS but I am also under investigation for something very similar so yea...). Do you find you have that problem with the drug? You mentioned 40 years to find the right combination so that would suggest to me you are likely to at least be in your 50s, is that correct? He said that part of the reason he was reluctant to give me anti-psychotics was that he was concerned about long-term side-effects considering my relatively young age (29) and also about the fact that I may end up on them for life if I were to start taking them and he seemed to think that was an undesirable situation. I will be having another appointment with the psychiatrist soon where he will be giving me his full report of the AS diagnostic interview - I was just told that it was obvious to him before he scored the report that I had AS so I have yet to see his comprehensive conclusions - so I will discuss the pros and cons of trying some anti-psychotics with him at that appointment.

I've been taking it for 2 years. The drowsiness wears off after about a month. Tardive Dyskinesia is a risk. I do find I have occasional involuntary movements. I have not mentioned this to my doctor as I don't want her to reduce the dosage. They get concerned about it because the effects can be permanent. But I would rather live with the twitches than an ill-functioning mind. I also have blurred vision close up so I wear reading glasses now.


I think I will be taking Seroquel (or whatever drug they come up with next) for the rest of my life. It used to bother me, but mostly I'm just happy to be functional.