I realized something interesting today

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The thing I realized is that there is no "formula" for forming relationships, romantic or otherwise. OK, maybe I already knew that before today, but the thing I realized today is that looking for this nonexistent "formula" destroys one's ability to successfully form a relationship.

I'm a bit unusual for an Aspie in that I actually have a pretty good social life. I think that's because forming platonic friendships doesn't make me nervous... I consider them a natural part of life. When I'm asking my friends if they want to hang out, I never go through the second-guessing myself and worrying that I go through when seeking something more than a friendship. I don't worry about being absolutely perfect, because I know that these people will still be my friends even if I'm not.

Imperfections are what make people interesting. To create a "formula" for forming relationships is to assume that people have no imperfections, and are all the same, and therefore not interesting, therefore rendering any relationship with them completely meaningless, which is certainly not the case.

Every time I've gotten anywhere near forming a romantic relationship, it's been when I've been in a state of mind in which I consider that to be a natural part of life too, and not some baffling enigma the way I think about it most of the time. Maybe the key to success with women is to stop looking for the key to success with women, and just go with whatever's on my mind at any given time, the same way as I've had success forming platonic friendships...

Oh my gosh, you just wrote what I was thinking earlier when I was reading another thread, but I didn't write it.

A guy was trying to find the most fail safe approach to a particular woman. I wanted to say; man, there's no magic bullet when it comes to meeting women or relationships. Courtships are just like friendships, but with a sexual component. There's magic in them, but they can't be pre-thought into existence.

I didn't write it because the illusive formula is what most guy's here are looking for. You're right, there's no formula. There's just relating.

So, yeah, it sounds as if you enjoyed yourself. I'm smiling.

Well said!

A number of folks have tried repeating this until blue in the face, yet some people keep coming back looking for that magical, elusive formula... and turn to PUA, etc.

Humans are each one giant variable, you're just gonna' have to talk to 'em.

And yes, a LOT of people are not going to be interested... that's just the human variable at work. Don't take it personally, even if they flip you the bird and tell you to f**k off... with billions of other humans on the planet, a rude one like that simply isn't worth another thought.

Good luck out there everyone!

A formula probably ain't gonna work on me, I know that much!

You're right, but a lot of people don't even have a sense of what it takes to make it work. When I first started out and failed repeatedly, all I knew was there was something wrong with me and I would have to change my pattern of behavior to improve my luck. I also learned I would have to change the way I thought of other people.

People who are getting into pua or some other fad are probably at that point too and just trying to make the changes they need. It beats giving up.

I got on to this line of thought by thinking "OK, there's no magic formula that makes me attracted to girls, it just kind of happens. I mean, sure there are certain traits that get preference, but everyone has those, and even those can be variable from person to person. That said, considering that I am, in fact, a member of the same species as every human female on earth, there is no logical reason that there should some 'formula' for attracting them, either."

If I were to try to write a "formula" for attraction, it would be this: Be as clean and physically attractive as possible, as much of the time as you can, and then just wing it from there and hope for the best.

I have high hopes for 2013.

Some imperfections are too much to cope with for the opposite gender. Few (or worse: none) friends is a helluva big deal and helluva difficult to work around. For every flaw, you need to compensate. If you're extremely socially awkward, you need to compensate by being really phsically fit, earning a lot of money, or something like that—unless you want to pick from the bottom of the barrel.

It's great to read that you can engage in social situations in such a relatively care-free manner. While I have a very active social life, I can't really say it's the same for me.

I lost many friends due to things I did without knowing what those things were. I can only conclude that that is because I rarely make capital mistakes, and fail to recognise them because of my Asperger`s. Naturally, this has upsetted me more often than once. I lost what I thought were friends for life, and it has destroyed precious romantic relationships as well. I can't trust people will be fine with me, even if I do something stupid.
And because even in retrospect I fail to see my faults, I weigh every word carefully. It mostly pays out, but it makes social occasions very intense.

Despite that, I have some friends, and also managed to have an almost three year romantic relationship. I'm constantly worrying about it though, because I'm very afraid of making more mistakes. She has Borderline, so there's also the occasional mistake I make which in hindsight was no mistake at all. Not a day goes by in which I don't see signs of everything hanging in a fragile balance, with me wondering if isolation is preferable.

It has worked for me pretty much every time I have had a girlfriend. Go with the flow, don't sweat any BS. I have the most success when I'm not trying at all, when I am just being ole' me, nobody else.

I know what you mean.

I always kind of think that relationships ''are what they are at the time'' kind of thing, like; you can't really take them out of the context, the chance, the timing, the way the people are at the time, the choices they make.
There is literally NO formula for partnerships. None.
And in the end, everything passes and we all rot away back to the ground.
So just, go with what it is at the time, I say.

I think it's all cupid's luck of the draw and that it's like lightening willed by the gods. Either that or chemicals. But a formula will never work so theoretically passion and love and lust just doesn't exist because it can't be replicated in a lab like it can spontaneously in real life.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVmU3iANbgk[/youtube]

Hows that for metacognition for ya?

Formulas do work. I've used formulas and they work a lot better than acting like myself. Only problem is that I make friends with people I don't like and my friends think I'm somebody I'm not when I use formulas. On the other hand, I don't usually get friends if I don't use formulas.